Arts Scene – With Terry Cotter The Potter

 

My name is Terry Cotter. I’m a potter.

I stock a wide range of ceramic goods in my shop The Potter’s Reel here in Lower Swell. The shop is named after my potter’s wheel which goes round and round. Like a reel.

Here are reviews the world they call “Art”.

1. Painting

Sunflowers – VanGogh’s masterpiece – Some flowers in a vase. Don’t like vases. I Prefer Urns. More hygenic. Vince cut his ear off. That must have smarted.

2. Movies

Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid – A western set in the west.  Gary Numan is in it. Goes on a bit. Has that song about raindrops on his bonce.

3. Music

Chopin’s Polonaise in A flat major – There’s a bit that goes plinky,plinky, plinky plonk, plonk. After that it goes down hill.

4. Literature

Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky – A Russian bloke commits a crime and is punished for it. Goes on a bit.
Village News

The mime festival will take place by the counter in the Post Office next Wednesday. Thanks to Jeff Smegly for the face paint.

‘Til next time – The Wheel Keeps On Turning!

TCTP

Read Full Post »

Tony Blair Wants To Bomb His Local Indian Restaurant After Dodgy Chicken Tikka Masala

 

Narcissistic loon Tony Blair has called for his local Curry House to be bombed after the Chicken Tikka Masala he’d ordered turned out to be “Dodgy”.

As he told GFB,

“I was with the Chairs of Goldman Sachs, EXXON and Halliburton outlining my plans for peace in the Middle East by bombing the shite out of the place.  Only bombing will bring about the long-lasting peace we in the West deserve. Mass slaughter will open their eyes to my genius.

The curry turns up and the chicken was a ropey.  The owners are Bengali and Muslim – after all I have done for Muslims!  So I got on the blower to the RAF to order them to launch a few Sidewinders into the “Passage To India”.

“They told to me to “Fuck Off You Nutter!”

Me! Tony!

So, I called me old muckers Bill Clinton and George W to see if the Yanks could strike and y’know what? They never returned my call! Me! After all I’ve done for America!

There’s always Vladimir – he’s a chum now – especially as I am considering being a peace envoy for Ukraine – worth a few bob that gig.

As I said 10 years ago. History will be my judge. For without me there would be no peace in Iraq today. Does anybody know where a good curry house is though?”

“Cos We’re Worth It!”

Read Full Post »

World Cup 2014! Brazil! Prince Charles’ View Of The Competing Nations – Part 4

The World Cup Is Here!

Brazil is hosting the tournament.

Prince Charles provides his rounded view of the 32 Nations taking part. Here is his take on the final two Groups (Thank God) G and H.

Group G

Germany – Leiderhosen laden, oompa loompaing, thigh slapping titanic Teutons – massively hammed to a man – made a few mistakes in the past but who hasn’t? I’d slip Angela Merkel a length! Still have relatives there.

Portugal – Port swilling Latin layabouts obsessed with sardines and hair styling products -World centre for dandruff research.

Ghana – Ex colony (weren’t they all? sigh) – people smile a lot and wear clothes so bright their jumpers are visible from Saturn – cheap place to buy sandals but sadly not brogues for one.

USA – Ex colony – they have a penchant for shooting each other indiscriminately yet keep to a strict oral hygiene regime – invent their own games involving shoulder pads to make sure they win them.  Saved our bacon in WW2 when they finally got their arses into gear! Never forgiven Travolta for dancing with Dia*a all them years ago – no wonder he turned to Scientology (she was barking by the way – in case you weren’t sure).

Group H

Belgium – Mussels, chips and getting invaded a lot – Belgium!

Algeria – Cous-cous chomping nihilists who kicked the Frogs out decades ago – up yer arse De Gaulle! –  not  a fan of cous cous – the bits get stuck in one’s teeth.

Russia – Light hearted libertines with a soft spot for totalitarianism and gay rights – their idea of fun is amoebic dysentery – they burn puppies in the winter to keep warm – the rich ones have bought London.

Korea – Workaholic loons – bastards stole our ship building industry – trapped wind archery is the national sport (use your imaginations – does not make an appealing spectacle).

ENJOY THE COMPETITION!

TTFN

Charlie

 

 

Read Full Post »

Prince Charles – Now He Slags Of Paul McCartney & The Dalai Lama!

Many of you will have read that Prince Charles had a pop at Russian President and leading gay rights advocate, Vladimir Putin “On The Ritz” calling Vlad a Nazi. (Best not to look too deeply at Charles’ Grandmother then!)

Defender Of The Sausage

What was not revealed was the Chuck, currently annoying people in Nova Scotia, then went on to slam Beatles legend and champion of misjudged cosmetic surgery, Paul McCartney.

Gfb can reveal that Chas said about Macca, “Christ I’m sick of that scouse arsewipe. Ever since he married that one legged Geordie Harpie he’s been a right pain in one’s arse. Always turning up uninvited, Olympics, Jubilee, Weddings. If I hear “Hey Fuckin’ Jude”  emanating from his gob off key one more time I’ll get Mama to lock him in the fuckin’ Tower. He only gets the gig cos Camilla uses his plastic surgeon. Can’t you tell? They have the same nose and chin. Na Na Na Na me arse.”

But that was not all.

An hour later, drink in hand and a touch world weary, Charles was heard to say about the Dalai Lama, “Speccy Chink Wanker. Buddhist my arse. Looks like a nonce to me. Fuckin’ hate vegetarians I do. Never known any situation where having a sausage doesn’t make things better.”

He then hopped over the garden fence to steal a pair of women’s knickers that were drying on a rotary dryer in the balmy Nova Scotian spring air.

 

“One’s Always Been A Thong Man!”

 

Read Full Post »

Ginger Mysticism – With The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now.

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk in my hometown of Devizes. I also deliver eggs, orange juice, potatoes, bread (wholemeal mostly but the occasional white sliced) and yoghurt.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. Hairy knees will be this year’s must have accessory amongst the Hollywood glitterati.

2. Vladimir Putin’s testicles will douse a giant forest fire in Siberia.

3. Terry Wogan’s wig to be granted World Heritage Status by UNESCO.

4. Princess Kate to have her first baby and call the girl George.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Deirdre in Stockton,

It’s behind the flour tin.

Aranja in Pamplona

The loose floorboard under the stairs.

Malisarno in Palermo

You will find the answer on the blind woman’s mole

 

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny. Until next time……….I’ll keep me pints a rattlin’ for ye!

Read Full Post »

George W Bush’s Paintings Resembled………..

Many of you will be aware of President George W Bush’s love of painting despite the fact that they can only be described as shite.

Did he draw inspiration from the famous Fresco restoration of Cecilia Giminez on Ecce Homo in The Sanctuary of Mercy Church near Zaragoza?

Her handiwork was described as “A crayon sketch of a very hairy monkey in an ill-fitting tunic.”

Do George and Cecilia share the same brush technique?

Whaddya think?

The Resemblance Is Uncanny!

Read Full Post »

Winter Olympics 2014 – Sochi Update – With Ginger Sooty Day #37

Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the Sochi 2014 Olympics that are, quite simply Sochi 2014.

Well Folks –  What A Day!

Canada beat the USA in the Women’s Ic Hockey. Go heavily padded and helmeted girls!

Britain got a bronze in the women’s curling!

Tony Blair offered his services to the Ukrainian Government after he spotted a kindred spirit in President  Yanukovich and his boss “Nipples” Putin. GFB says, “Good on yer Tone, where there is state sponsored terror there is a pound!”

A bunch of old lads got together and won the Marxist-Leninist-Maoist-Curling! If only these lads could make a clean sweep of things today!

A couple of sports to look out for.

1. Fried Food Half Pipe –  Marvel at Frenchman, Serge Hohehon’s ability to catch a variety of battered foods whilst performing spins, somersaults, back flips and gurning along the half pipe. His three hop bouncing samosa (with pike) needs to be seen to be believed.

The tasty savourys will be launched by American acting legend Patrick Duffy. Pat has very strong wrists and so is suited to flinging fried foods. He will be wearing the swimming trunks he wore in The Man From Atlantis to add a bit of “showbiz” to the event.

2. Ice Pluckery

You are blindfolded and nailed to a spinning wheel.  For twenty four hours you are spun and forced to listen to Roseanna by Toto, after which you watch the entire back catalogue of Adam Sandler’s films. Twice.

You then have all your body hair removed by sandpaper, vilified by the cast of Hair and Ernie will bore you senseless about his feet and love of tuna fish sandwiches.

This is Set 1 of Ice Pluckery. There are a further 17 Sets which contain even more cruel and unusual tests of endurance,  patience and brain function including; The Braying Banker, Ironing Jelly, “Roger Moore Can Act – Discuss” and a personal favourite – finding the positives in  the singing voice of Yoko Ono.

Belgium’s Beatrice Molde is favourite for Gold.

Enjoy The Games!

Sooty

Read Full Post »

Winter Olympics 2014 – What Sports Would You Like To See?

Hello,

GFB has been following the Winter Olympics that are, quite simply Sochi 2014 and our reporter Ginger Sooty, The Glove Puppet Of Dreams, has been reporting on the sports at these Games, that are quite simply Sochi 2014, that haven’t made the headlines. Sports such as Full Contact Yodeling, Octagenarian Testicle Slalom, and Ice Donkey Dangling.

A number of fine individuals have come up with sports they would like to see in future Games.

Mr Guapola suggested;

• Jello wrestling and Pudding wrestling – both preferably in the nude a la ancient Greece.

Mr DJ Gourdoux suggested;

• Men’s “Bithatone” combining cross-country skiing with shopping for a new shirt.
• Women’s “Rice Hockey,” teams attempt to put the puck in a bowl of long grain rice
• “Figuring Skating,”  contestants perform spins, twist and jumps while solving polynomial functions of multiple variables
• Men’s Speed Shaving (this year’s controversial change in the minimum beard length requirement certainly favoured the Russians in his opinion).

Mr Crawshaw has suggested;

• Weight lifting on frozen ponds. Best moist snatch wins
• Bare arsed skiing. One who collects the most snow gets gold and cold
• Icelandic curling. Packet of frozen peas nearest the fish fingers takes it
• Amateur ski jumping. Winner gets to kick the shit out of Eddie ‘The Eagle’
• Downhill bin bags for poor people. Sponsored by David Cameron. No heats
• In line Waterboarding (Sadly cancelled as the Russians claimed the USA win every time)
• Fishing through a hole in the ice (not a competition, just trying to get something decent to eat)

WHAT SPORTS/GAMES/STUPIDITY DO YOU THINK SHOULD FEATURE IN THE GAMES? PRIZES FOR THE BEST SUGGESTION!

Read Full Post »

Winter Olympics 2014 – Sochi – Ginger Sooty Reports – Day (Feels Like 235) 11

Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the Winter Olympics that are, quite simply Sochi 2014.

This fella came down a snowy slope quickly.

Well known Fiddleist Vanessa Mae came down a snowy slope rather slowly (but more quickly than I could ever do) whilst playing the Violin bit in Dexy’s classic C’mon Eileen.

Dutch are shtill doing well in the der Shpid Shkatin’! Jeesh, thoshe thighsh!

A couple of sports to look out for.

1. Bob Slay

How many men called Bob can you find in an hour and put to death? A sport that is not for the feint hearted. Judging is scored on  despatching technique (hands favoured over weaponry) and artistic impression.

Strange Vernon from Australia is the favourite. Best not to ask why….

2. Cresta  Run Team Tickle

Two teams slide down the ice side by side armed only with a feather duster and pluck. Points are scored when the duster strikes a designated “tickle zone” on the body – neck, armpit, behind the knee and base of foot – causing the opponent to giggle or at least titter.

Vladimir Itchykov is favourite to take the Gold after his world record Titter Giggle score of 46 last week. All the more impressive when you know that Vladimir sold his testicles to fund his vodka habit.

Enjoy The Games!

Read Full Post »

Winter Olympics 2014 – Picture Special – Lenin On A Snowboard?

That’s right – the old Bolshevik was stoked as he lay down some steamers alongside a piked 5 Year Tractor Plan with a hint of Marxist Dialectic 720 thrown in for good measure.

He landed with a trademark hammer and sickle stance and then proceeded to throttle the life out of various Baltic States.

Oi Mensheviks! You Watchin’?

When asked about his love of Socialist Snowboardin’ he simply replied, “Capitalism my arse.”

The Marxist Marauder!

Read Full Post »