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Posts Tagged ‘Winter Olympics’

As the Winter Olympics draw to a close, GFB brings you a world exclusive photo of over hyped pop sensation Miley Cyrus Twerking her way to Olympic Glory !

Yes folks, all that arse wobbling and oddly sexless posing on stage with dirty old men, also desperate for a piece of cheap publicity to flog their pap, was in fact preparation for Miley’s assault on the Ski Jumping title in Sochi.

As you can see the positioning of the buttocks is remarkable similar. Miley steered with titchy movements of her tongue. If she had her dad’s mullet for the jump, the extra drag would have added a few more metres and she would have finished higher than 43rd.

We could be wrong, but hope she puts her buttocks away now.

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Here is Miley in pre-season training with a sausage………

miley_twerk

 

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leninluge

Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the Sochi 2014 Olympics that are, quite simply Sochi 2014.

Well Folks –  What A Day!

Canada beat the USA in the Women’s Ic Hockey. Go heavily padded and helmeted girls!

Britain got a bronze in the women’s curling!

Tony Blair offered his services to the Ukrainian Government after he spotted a kindred spirit in President  Yanukovich and his boss “Nipples” Putin. GFB says, “Good on yer Tone, where there is state sponsored terror there is a pound!”

A bunch of old lads got together and won the Marxist-Leninist-Maoist-Curling! If only these lads could make a clean sweep of things today!

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A couple of sports to look out for.

1. Fried Food Half Pipe –  Marvel at Frenchman, Serge Hohehon’s ability to catch a variety of battered foods whilst performing spins, somersaults, back flips and gurning along the half pipe. His three hop bouncing samosa (with pike) needs to be seen to be believed.

The tasty savourys will be launched by American acting legend Patrick Duffy. Pat has very strong wrists and so is suited to flinging fried foods. He will be wearing the swimming trunks he wore in The Man From Atlantis to add a bit of “showbiz” to the event.

putinsooty

2. Ice Pluckery

You are blindfolded and nailed to a spinning wheel.  For twenty four hours you are spun and forced to listen to Roseanna by Toto, after which you watch the entire back catalogue of Adam Sandler’s films. Twice.

You then have all your body hair removed by sandpaper, vilified by the cast of Hair and Ernie will bore you senseless about his feet and love of tuna fish sandwiches.

This is Set 1 of Ice Pluckery. There are a further 17 Sets which contain even more cruel and unusual tests of endurance,  patience and brain function including; The Braying Banker, Ironing Jelly, “Roger Moore Can Act – Discuss” and a personal favourite – finding the positives in  the singing voice of Yoko Ono.

Belgium’s Beatrice Molde is favourite for Gold.

Enjoy The Games!

Sooty

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lenin ski jump

Hello,

GFB has been following the Winter Olympics that are, quite simply Sochi 2014 and our reporter Ginger Sooty, The Glove Puppet Of Dreams, has been reporting on the sports at these Games, that are quite simply Sochi 2014, that haven’t made the headlines. Sports such as Full Contact Yodeling, Octagenarian Testicle Slalom, and Ice Donkey Dangling.

A number of fine individuals have come up with sports they would like to see in future Games.

Mr Guapola suggested;

  • Jello wrestling and Pudding wrestling – both preferably in the nude a la ancient Greece.

Mr DJ Gourdoux suggested;

  • Men’s “Bithatone” combining cross-country skiing with shopping for a new shirt.
  • Women’s “Rice Hockey,” teams attempt to put the puck in a bowl of long grain rice
  • “Figuring Skating,”  contestants perform spins, twist and jumps while solving polynomial functions of multiple variables
  • Men’s Speed Shaving (this year’s controversial change in the minimum beard length requirement certainly favoured the Russians in his opinion).

Mr Crawshaw has suggested;

  • Weight lifting on frozen ponds. Best moist snatch wins
  • Bare arsed skiing. One who collects the most snow gets gold and cold
  • Icelandic curling. Packet of frozen peas nearest the fish fingers takes it
  • Amateur ski jumping. Winner gets to kick the shit out of Eddie ‘The Eagle’
  • Downhill bin bags for poor people. Sponsored by David Cameron. No heats
  • In line Waterboarding (Sadly cancelled as the Russians claimed the USA win every time)
  • Fishing through a hole in the ice (not a competition, just trying to get something decent to eat)

putinsooty

WHAT SPORTS/GAMES/STUPIDITY DO YOU THINK SHOULD FEATURE IN THE GAMES? PRIZES FOR THE BEST SUGGESTION!

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lenin ski jump

Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the Winter Olympics that are, quite simply Sochi 2014.

This fella came down a snowy slope quickly.

Well known Fiddleist Vanessa Mae came down a snowy slope rather slowly (but more quickly than I could ever do) whilst playing the Violin bit in Dexy’s classic C’mon Eileen.

Dutch are shtill doing well in the der Shpid Shkatin’! Jeesh, thoshe thighsh!

sagelenin2

A couple of sports to look out for.

1. Bob Slay

How many men called Bob can you find in an hour and put to death? A sport that is not for the feint hearted. Judging is scored on  despatching technique (hands favoured over weaponry) and artistic impression.

Strange Vernon from Australia is the favourite. Best not to ask why….

2. Cresta  Run Team Tickle

Two teams slide down the ice side by side armed only with a feather duster and pluck. Points are scored when the duster strikes a designated “tickle zone” on the body – neck, armpit, behind the knee and base of foot – causing the opponent to giggle or at least titter.

Vladimir Itchykov is favourite to take the Gold after his world record Titter Giggle score of 46 last week. All the more impressive when you know that Vladimir sold his testicles to fund his vodka habit.

putinsooty

Enjoy The Games!

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That’s right – the old Bolshevik was stoked as he lay down some steamers alongside a piked 5 Year Tractor Plan with a hint of Marxist Dialectic 720 thrown in for good measure.

He landed with a trademark hammer and sickle stance and then proceeded to throttle the life out of various Baltic States.

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Oi Mensheviks! You Watchin’?

When asked about his love of Socialist Snowboardin’ he simply replied, “Capitalism my arse.”

sagelenin2

The Marxist Marauder!

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Hello,

Enjoying the Winter Olympics? Neither am I.

My lovely wife Shirley is though. Especially the Ice Skating. Last night Shirl and her sister Doreen, each chomping on a giant Toblerone, were watching it on TV.

“Nice arse,” Doreen said as some fella skidded around throwing in a toe loop here and a triple lutz there.

This bloke’s shirt had sequins and feathers stitiched in! Sequins! Feathers!

ON A BLOKE!

I thought Putin didn’t like all this gay carry on.  And here are all these “men” dressed like Liberace toddling around the rink in shiny, plumed apparel. (Now I would pay to see Liberace On Ice! Imagine – old Liber tinkling the ivories on skates as he tried to keep the old hair weave intact. He must have spent a fortune on glue. What a shame he missed out on the Velcro revolution).

“Nice arse,” said Doreen as a lad from Belarus hoved into view. He was wearing eye shadow! EYE SHADOW!

Doreen was becoming aroused. The hairs in her nostrils were twitching.

It was all too much for me small intestine so I visited the smallest room. The seat is a bit loose and wipeage has become a tricky manoeuvre. Fixing it is on my list of things to do. Along with breathing more regularly.

But that was of little concern as the seat slid from under me and I became the first man ever to perform the triple arse loop. As a result I inspected the mouldy toilet carpet. Two months ahead of schedule. At least I can take that off my list of things to do.

“Lard arse,” Doreen said as I returned to my chair. Shirl cackled and sparked up a Benson’s.

I fell asleep and dreamed of Olympic Glory……………

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“Faster Lads”

Laters.

Bob

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lenin ski jump

Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the Winter Olympics that are, quite simply Sochi 2014.

The Dutch are doing well in the Shpeed Shkating with Art Gorthuis claiming the gold in der men’s 1,000 metersh with a fantashtic dishplay. Enormoush thighsh to a man ash well! 

Canada beat Great Britain in the women’s marbles on ice (they call it curling)  – so we say INVADE!

A couple of sports to look out for.

1. Full Contact Yodeling

Violent, brutal and full of throaty eroticism, the must see sport of these games. All you need to play are a set of Fold mountains, pronounced glacial erosion and the ability to stand atop a peak and yodel incessantly then hurtle down the scree towards your opponent who is hurtling and yodelling in his/her descent from across the valley.

A “Yodel Off” then ensues. In the event of a tie, thigh slapping is used to determine the winner.

Italian Mario Zucchini, a man with vocal chords that could slice cheese, is favourite. We certainly hope so-de-lay-hee-hee.

Ireland’s Paddy McMuff the self-styled “Ululating Ulsterman” may feature.

2. Agoraphobic Biathlon

Test event at this year’s games.

Actually it started ten days ago but no-one has left the changing tent yet.  The sound of knees knocking together dominates.

Yeng Bing Yang of China took a peek out of the tent and this places her in the gold medal position.

putinsooty

Enjoy The Games!

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