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Archive for the ‘Happiness’ Category

Hello

I was round Aunt Bab’s this morning adjusting her new Stenna chairlift. She was very grateful, although medically speaking there is nothing wrong with her unless being bone idle is now recognised as a medical condition.

The lift does set her new wallpaper off a treat though.

I had the inaugural journey, as I needed the smallest room. Got stuck on the landing and had to walk the rest of the way. Not exactly Neil Armstrong – can’t have everything in life.

I had a go at that Sudokio in The Sun whilst on the pot. All Those Numbers! In Boxes. Up. Down. Across. Did My Head In. Numbers are bollocks. End of.

So I rolled up the paper and swatted a fly who was banging its head against the frosted window pane.

Bit like me with the Sodokio.

I walked down the stairs.

The lads in the Dubious Pilchard were impressed when I told them of my new fitness regime. Given up crisps too. On Sundays at least.

Rio’s only round the corner after all……

Be lucky.

Bob

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My name is Terry Cotter. I’m a potter.

I stock a wide range of ceramic goods in my shop The Potter’s Reel here in Lower Swell. The shop is named after my potter’s wheel which goes round and round. Like a reel.

Here are reviews the world they call “Art”.

1. Painting

Sunflowers – VanGogh’s masterpiece – Some flowers in a vase. Don’t like vases. I Prefer Urns. More hygenic. Vince cut his ear off. That must have smarted.

2. Movies

Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid – A western set in the west.  Gary Numan is in it. Goes on a bit. Has that song about raindrops on his bonce.

3. Music

Chopin’s Polonaise in A flat major – There’s a bit that goes plinky,plinky, plinky plonk, plonk. After that it goes down hill.

4. Literature

Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky – A Russian bloke commits a crime and is punished for it. Goes on a bit.
Village News

The mime festival will take place by the counter in the Post Office next Wednesday. Thanks to Jeff Smegly for the face paint.

‘Til next time – The Wheel Keeps On Turning!

TCTP

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Tommy Tapper, “Bodger To The Stars” provides insights into DIY.

tommy_tapper

If it can be fixed he won’t be able to do it

His manual, “Let’s Not Worry The Taxman On This Job “ is an acknowledged masterclass in the no-nonsense, no worries, no skill approach to DIY.

Here are some of his trade secrets for Painting.

1. What is the primary purpose of Painting? To express a quiet and ongoing admiration for Magnolia.

2. What is Paint made off? Painty stuff.

3. How is Paint applied? Usually poorly – in a word – slapdash.

4. Normal Paint problems? Being collared by a Jehovah’s Witness whilst painting your front door – offer a life saving blood transfusion for one of their kids at some indeterminate time in the future. They will be off quicker than saying, “We are in the area and wondered if you would be interested in…….”

5. How lazy married men use Painting to their advantage? Just say, “It’ll only take 10 minutes to slap it on.” You will be spared any further involvement – guaranteed  

 Things to consider before you Paint;

i) You cannot paint using a hammer – use a paint brush, roller or the Afro sported by your neighbour’s son in tribute to Blaxploitation movies – ask him first though.

ii) The wobbliness of the step-ladder you bought from B and Q, “‘cos it was going cheap,” but was only used as a climbing frame by mice during the great rodent infestation of ’94.

iii) Because of ii) The journey time to your local Accident and Emergency unit.

iv) Licking the skirting board does not constitute a rub down.

iv) Do not drink paint however attractive the pastel shades are to your mind’s eye – if you do see iii) above.

vi) Enjoy the phrase “Dado Rail” before haphazardly applying Gloss.

vii) Think of songs that could have the word Emulsion included in the title.
Tommy – The Happy Slapper

 

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Hello,

I was in Tesco’s rummaging amongst the mangoes with a view to buying one for pudding later that evening.  As I popped a fruit into my trolley, I felt a tad woozy and a touch fey.

I had an insatiable desire to free my people from English tyranny!

The spirit of Joan of Arc, Maid of Orleans had entered me! 

Within minutes I was scurrying down the World Foods aisle in a hastily applied armour of Nan bread and fresh vegetables (some well beyond their best before date) with a baguette lance in my hand.

On I charged, scything down the enemy (Broad beans are handy in a fight).

I screamed, nay ululated,  invoking God to rid France of these English pigs.  I sped through the automatic doors, into the sunlight and trundled toward freedom, shattering their yoke of tyranny.

Sadly the trolley wheel locking device was activated and the lardy security guard, bearing his epaulettes proudly, ended my uprising.

The Magistrate deferred the sentence of burning at the stake to 120 hours of litter picking on the A13. I did get my pound back for the trolley though.

You may think I am a fantasist ………..I would beg to differ.

Mango anyone?

Sacre Bleu!

Agnes

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The great man enjoying a drag on his breadcrumbed fish fag!

No wonder all his faces were a bit wonky.

By The End He Was On 20 A Day

During His Fish Period

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Still Giving Lurve

Pump Up The Volume

Last night I applied hair volumiser to my pubic region. I woke up this morning with a crotch so bouffant that I can’t put my pants on.

I have a big date with Natalie from accounts tonight, was hoping to take things to the next level – but what is she going to think when I drop me strides and mr pubic Afro pops into view?

Worried Les

Oily Replies;

When pondering these problems I like to slither into my bath, lay myself in Extra Industrial Castrol and let nature take it’s course. I do all my best , ahem, pondering in the bath.

I then retire to the drawing room donning my ‘Noel Coward Rocks My World’ silk dressing gown and matching slippers, sip a brandy and ponder further the problems that beset my poor readers.

Shave the offending pubes into the shape of something meaningful to Natalie, something that will make her realise she is with a man who has empathy and isn’t afraid to show his feminine side.

The following are some suggestions of the images that most speak to the sweet little things;

A flower

A fluffy kitten playing with a ball of string

A 6 month old baby gurgling in a pram in a summer’s meadow with the sun blazing down.

An ironing board.

Cutting your mangy pubes into any of the above is a romantic gesture and would win over the hardest of hearts and ensure you get your oats.

If it doesn’t then she’s obviously a lesbian. If that’s the case get your camcorder and follow her home…..I pay big money for such footage.

Oily

 

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Aunty Bill,

Last night my partner told me he had fallen in love with the back door. This morning I awoke to find my partner gone and just a draught where the back door used to be.

There was a note on the table, presumably written by the back door as my partner is illiterate. The note said, “One day you will find closure.”

Not only am I heartbroken I am freezing. How do I win them back?

Meredith, Ottawa

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Meredith,

You don’t state in your letter whether the door was UPVC or standard wooden half Georgian wired glass.

At this troubled time you probably wonder why I am asking what type of door it was, but in the days ahead, when a window of clarity appears you will have to think about a replacement door and depending on the type that ran off with your (ex) partner this will dictate what type of frame, lock and extra security you require.

I always recommend a standard 5 lever bolt lock (ISO234567) is fitted where the door is UPVC, although for a wooden door an Ingeroll Chubb and separate mortice should suffice. Be sure to allow for the stress factor on wooden doors and if in doubt fix an extra hinge to allow for any slippage.

Experience dictates that men who run off with doors seldom return. At this point I could make a cheap jibe about knockers. But won’t.

Aunty Bill

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