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Posts Tagged ‘The BBC’

Gingerfightback’s Hugh Pugh-Barney-McGrew was interviewing the heir apparent about his love of courgettes when Chas blurted into the microphone,

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Defender Of The Sausage

“I’m sick of these Jock arsewipes moaning about how hard done by they are.  Mama forces One to traipse around some God for-fuckin-saken heather moor singing like Moira Anderson’s castrated cousin about,”Weee misty ooop the skelter” or “dinnae na bricht ma panty liners” whilst me knackers are frozen. Kilts are for C*nts who eat deep fried Mars bars, drink deep fried Lager and wear deep fried Shellsuits.

Braveheart? One’s arse.

If I have to hear “500 Miles” by them speccy Proclaimer bastards again I’ll get Mama to fellate Gordon Brown in the fuckin’ Tower. Bathgate no more – thank fuck – Shitehole – Alex Salmond? Lying Jock wanker. Leave old slaphead Robinson alone! Nick may be an arse bandit and Establishment lickspittle but he’s my arse bandit and my lickspittle. Caber tossing bastards…..”

He then hopped over a fence to steal a pair of women’s knickers that were on a rotary dryer in the balmy Edinburgh air.

 

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“One’s Always Been A Thong Man!”

 

 

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Fans of hit TV show, The Great British Bake Off were delighted to hear that Baking Guru, Mary “The Beast” Berry has set a new age category record for the Snatch in weightlifting.

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Mary lifted 7 tons in Glasgow last night, whilst sporting one of her “absolutely scrummy” chocolate tier cakes. Asked about the secret behind her great strength, Mary smiled sweetly and replied, “I use massive amounts of steroids in my baking. My snatch is an absolute picture as a result but I do have to shave my chest occasionally!”

Not to be outdone co-host and self-styled Bad Boy of British Baking, Paul “Product” Hollywood also jerked himself to glory with a lift of 8.5 tons in Abergavenny last Tuesday, whilst balancing a pork pie on his head.

“I’ve nothing left to proof,” Hollywood said.

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All that effort led to a soggy bottom I’m afraid

 

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Hello!

“All the world’s a fence.”

Like doubts, we all have them or know someone who has them. Fences that is.

What does your Fence say about you?  Secondary Picket? Loosely Hinged? A Godfather? Weak Footings?

Who knows? Who cares! 

This month sees Peter Capaldi fill the boots of the Time Lord and begetter of utterly incomprehensible, contrived and convoluted plots – Doctor Who!

The BBC allowed Gfb’s Sci-Fi correspondent, Cedric Must-Get-Outmore, access to the Set and he managed to take this snap of The Doctor fighting new baddies The Creosoters.

 

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My fence is Ronsealed!

Last time Benedict Cumberbatch shared his Closed Border Fence with us. Looks like he and the Doc share a passion for the CBF!

 

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Boo Bono!

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I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now.

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk in my hometown of Devizes. I also deliver eggs, orange juice, potatoes, bread (wholemeal mostly but the occasional white sliced) and yoghurt.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. Hairy knees will be this year’s must have accessory amongst the Hollywood glitterati.

2. Vladimir Putin’s testicles will douse a giant forest fire in Siberia.

3. Terry Wogan’s wig to be granted World Heritage Status by UNESCO.

4. Princess Kate to have her first baby and call the girl George.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Deirdre in Stockton,

It’s behind the flour tin.

Aranja in Pamplona

The loose floorboard under the stairs.

Malisarno in Palermo

You will find the answer on the blind woman’s mole

 

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny. Until next time……….I’ll keep me pints a rattlin’ for ye!

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Tommy Tapper, “Plumber To The Stars” provides a valuable introduction to DIY.

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If it can be fixed he won’t be able to do it

His manual, “I Bodge Therefore I am,” is an acknowledged masterclass in the no-nonsense, no worries, no skill approach to DIY.

Here are some of his trade secrets for Boilers.

1. What is the primary purpose of a boiler? To breakdown.

2. Where are boilers located? In a very inaccessible spot in your home.

3. What are they made of?  Normally stiff metally stuff.  A few pipes pop out. These allow you to play a boiler as a wind instrument in a mildly comedic fashion.

4. Normal boiler problems?  They stop working.

5. Things to consider before you fix a boiler;

i) If you can’t fix it by hitting it with your hammer, you maybe facing a more sizeable problem.

ii) The journey time to your local Accident and Emergency unit.

iii) Use a naked flame to check for a gas leak. Much the quickest way and so much better than all this politically correct, health and safety, Muslims eat our babies do gooding stuffed constantly rammed down our throats by the EU.

iv) Your adjustable spanner is comfortable with change.

v) That it is the boiler you are fixing.

5. Little known fact about the Boiler

The domestic boiler was invented in 1874 by Derek Central-Heating. Fancy that!

“Gingerfightback – The Blog That Cares. Really Cares”

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Blair-Witch

Hello Aunty

I learned a new word today. Tuesday.

This means that my week is now four days long. Wednesday, Saturday, Monday and now Tuesday. What can I do to fill my time on Tuesdays? The other days of the week I dribble and wet myself.

Damp Dave, The Thickest Man On Earth

Dear Dave

The days missing are Thursday, Friday and Sunday. Learn these by heart as it will make your week complete.

Spend Thursday cleaning up Monday and Wednesday’s dribble and wee in preparation for another bout of bodily leakage, although now you have Tuesday you have the option of option of either cleaning up Monday’s mess or having another day to sit in a mire of your own making on Tuesday and Wednesday and having a bloody big clean up on Thursday (see above for the new days added to your week).

I would advise against this. Best to try and hold back on Tuesday and then have a good tidy up on Wednesday (confusing isn’t it?)

This leaves Thursday free to go to the Job Centre to look for some kind of gainful employment, although I see few openings.

Friday – feel free to either scan the local paper for supplies of Cosifits or revert to type in preparation for the Saturday clean up.

Sunday, if you can control your bowels, visit the local museum to see how your ancestors lived.

Yes Dave they lived just like you although at least they had the get up and go to throw their excretia out of the window into the street below (this may be an option for you in order to avoid your interminable cleaning detail).

Sunday evening settle down in front of “Call the Midwife a Twat” and feel free to wee and dribble to you heart’s content. This  programme has a similar effect on millions of people across the country as they prepare for another week of toil.

At least you’ve got Monday to clean up Dave, eh?

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He didn't do well

He didn’t do well

Not that long ago, us Brits prided ourselves won being different. Original, you might say. We have original artists, poets and writers and great writers of popular music and innovative TV programmes, especially ground breaking comedy.

Known to the Americans as ‘Monnie Paethaaaan’.

 There was a time when ex-RAF fighter pilots would stroll into the office of the BBC’s Director of Comedy and say, “Morning Old Boy. I say, I’ve this terrific idea for a sit-com etc; etc;” and were told to “Go orf and put together a couple of pilot shows ( no RAF pun intended) and we’ll take it from there, arf arf”.

Like a good wine, a comedy series developed. Invariably the first series was a ‘suck it and see’ affair and probably not a huge hit with the public but the characters and writing developed in later series, producing blockbuster comedy such as the aforementioned Python, Dad’s Army, The Good Life and even The Fast Show which was, I believe, a slow starter.

In 2011 Paul Whitehouse and Charlie Higson had a swipe at the BBC’s policy regarding follow up series after the Corporation turned down their proposal for a second series of ‘Bellamy’s People’ on the basis that the first series did not pull in enough viewers. They argued, quite rightly, that this was normal for a new series.

So what do they now have to replace these little gems of innovation and comedy genius?

I’ll tell you what!

‘Celebrity Pie Throwing’, ‘Celebrity Dog Grooming’, ‘Celebrity Brain Surgery’, ‘Celebrity Bull Fighting’ (if only).

As the great Jim Royle would say,”Celebrities my arse”.

Look up ‘Celebrity’ in the dictionary and it will advise the following ‘Celebrity : A famous or well known person’.

So who are these fake tanned, Botox riddled, brain dead arseholes onto whom the epithet ‘Celebrity’ is bestowed?

Is there nothing these sad bastards won’t do to revive what was once a lack of talent teetering on the brink of a career? From munching live insects ” Oh my Gaaad, oh my Gaaad” to throwing themselves off ski slopes slightly higher than my front doorstep – “AAAAGGGHHH, Shiiiiiit” ……..and that’s just the viewers’ reaction!

There was a time when, if the BBC came up with a ground breaking idea for a programme that blew the viewing figures out of the water, ITV would say ” We’ll have to come up with something better.”

Not any more.

Take the hugely successful ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ on the BBC.

Do the ITV say “It’s a fair cop, we didn’t see that one coming, we’ll put our heads together and come up with something to counteract this success, a completely different genre;  ground breaking comedy perhaps? An award winning drama series? Animals fornicating in a moonlit jungle just as you’re sitting down to your evening meal?”

Not a bit of it.

What inspired, creative, original idea do they come up with?

“Stepping Out”………..”Stepping fucking Out”!

One can only imagine the Think Tank Brainstorming that formed this little nugget.

“Right, OK guys, I’ll like make this quick. We need like to eclipse ‘Strictly’. We all have like Media Degrees. Should be a piece of piss. Any ideas out there?”

“Well Simon, as I see it, like breaking it down into like it’s constituent parts, we have like two people and dancing.”

“And a band.”

“Yes Freddie and a band”.

“So we have like a celebrity and a dancing teacher like dancing to a band”.

“OK guys, here’s the plan. The concept. Dancing. Two people, dancing. But like here’s the really clever bit guys, the two people like know each other, they’re like, you know, husband and wife or two people who met at school and have like kissed each other or something, pfffff”.

“That’s like really cool. What’s the title?”

“How about like, ‘ Strictly Come Dancing But With Two People Who Know Each Other Like’?”

Cut to three weeks later…. “Strapping Up?”

“No – bonding insinuation”.

“Stopping Up?”

“Bit anal”.

“Schlepping Up?”

“Too Jewish”.

“Stepping Out?”

“Bang on Toby, good man”.

“Right, all we want now is like a presenter”.

 “Brucie”.

” He’s already taken Robin”.

“Davina McCall?”

” Fuck it, they’ll never notice the difference”.

“Brilliant guys, job done”.

” Anyone fancy a pint?”

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