The Pope & Prince Charles – Both Love A Chinstrap!

Hello!

To celebrate chinstrap month, here are some of the great and good who have proudly sport one.

As Shakespeare wrote, “All the world’s a chinstrap”.

Enjoy!

Here is heir to the throne Prince Charles complete with the Sausage of the Glen

Here Is The Pope!

And here is Steve McQueen!

 

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Moby Dick Makes Me Sick! By Agnes DuPont

We hope you remain as amazed as we at the previous lives of Agnes DuPont!

Hello People,

It is great to be here to share with you my previous lives.

Last week I was a Sperm whale for a few hours.

I know this because I am still very partial to plankton and shed a tear at the end of Free Willy 2.

I even swallowed a man in Asda! (I was looking for dental floss. The plankton gets stuck between the teeth you see.)

He is quite comfy. So don’t worry.

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese late at night……….I would beg to differ.

Call me Ishmael

Regards,

Agnes

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Filthy Sea Shanty Time!

 

We love the life of a Jolly Jack Tar.  Nothing better than a day unfurling a spanker or two and gazing up into the mizzen mast and worrying about the Doldrums.

Whilst up aft for’d we pass the time by singing a shanty.

Here are a few we croon;

• Me Auld Girl’s Blowhole
• Johnny’s Tinkler Is Inflamed
• After 3 Years At Sea Duncan Is Now Dorothy
• I’ve Been Bent Over A Barrel or 2
• Tug Me Rope
• When I Rub Me Barnacles I’m Thinking Of Me Jessie
• Blow Me Back To Blighty On A Good Stiff ‘Un
• Lord Nelson Swung Both Ways

Anyway the west wind blows fare – so adieu me hearties – sing along to this classic!

 

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Sarah Ferguson Speaks Up For Prince Andrew – Will Kate Accelerate Pregnancy?

Prince Randy Andy’s reputation was given another kicking today when his unfaithful, adulterous, toe-suckee former wife Sarah “Fergie” Ferguson spoke up for the Duke of Golf.

Fergie and Andy In Happier Times

She spoke to reporters Monday in Verbier in the Swiss Alps, “The York family is a tight unit. We’ve always been a tight unit.He is the greatest man there is. It was the finest moment of my life in 1986 when I married him. He is a great man, the best in the world.”

Fergie divorced “the best man in the world” many many years ago.

Fergie also told a pal, “Jeez the things I have to say to keep the moolah rolling in from him and to keep my name in with the Yanks. He’s the intelligence of an egg whisk. Squeezing boils was more fun than listening to him prattle on about his sand game. The Twat.”

Fragrant and Hirsute – The Perfect Combo

Prince Charles has asked Prince William to chivvy along her Royal Fragrance and loveliness Our Kate and squeeze out the second sprog.

Lord Sidney Itch, Purveyor to the Royal Rash, told Gfb’s Daphne Kerplunk, “Chuck’s going fucking bonkers on this one. He reckons if Kate can give birth, preferably at the live final of Britain’s Got Talent in a few weeks time , it will take the pressure of Randy Andy and not threaten Chuck’s chances of getting his greasy little mitts on Mama’s orb and sceptre.”

Worried

 

 

 

 

 

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The Queen’s Hurt About “Randy Andy” Speculation

Buckingham Palace today issued a statement telling us that Her Royal Queeness is upset over allegations surrounding Prince Randy Andy and his nonce mates.

Lord Edward Sneer, Keeper of the Royal Spittoon told Gfb’s newshound, Daphne Kerplunk, “It is all a tissue of lies about Randy Andy. It has to be. The man is a complete bellend. He has as much intelligence as a damp flannel.”

Prince Charles came out in support of his younger brother by insisting that Andrew’s “enormous” appetite for  heroin and cocaine made it highly unlikely that his interests extended “in that direction.”

“Even his favourite nag likes a bag of ganja now and again!” Chirped Charlie.

Randy’s Horse – Roach

He then garbled, “One must understand that one’s talking to plants and one’s bogies constitutes all the qualifications one requires to be Monarch. Hurry up and pop thine clogs Mama,” before hopping over a fence to resume a conversation with a neighbour’s herbaceous border.

 

 

 

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Did Katie Hopkins Steal From A Food Bank?

Little ray of non-publicity seeking sunshine Katie Hopkins is under a cloud at the moment. The Queen of mock outrage, who has a trombone for a kneecap recently visited a Food Bank in Devon with the aim of belittling “the feckless” scroungers who use it.

She lambasted a legless man for wasting the nation’s resources by buying trousers saying, “This is why the country is going to the dogs. If legless people can afford trousers then something is seriously wrong.”

A kerfuffle then ensued with a woman waiting at a nearby bus stop. For the #34 to Tiverton.

“My arse she’s waiting for a bus!” said Katie to the handily located camera, “She is probably a prostitute. She looks like one. And she is hanging about. All adds up.”

PHWOAR!!!!!

It was when Katie left the Food bank to assail a nearby roundabout for being round, that staff noticed a number of tins of marrow fat peas were missing.

An insider told Gfb newshound, Cindy Etch-a-Sketch, “Katie had just finished a frenzied sex session with Nigel Farage and needed to replenish her energy levels with marrow fat peas which you can only get at Food Banks these days. She will send a cheque to cover the cost. He is lucky. Katie normally eats the male after copulation.”

Duncan-Spliff ‘avin it laaarge…..

If you have any spare tins of marrow fat peas why not send them to Katie!

 

 

 

 

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Barry Belcher – The Mystic Milkman’s Predictions For 2015

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I predict predictions.

These were my predictions for 2014.

1. December 2012 – Like The Mayans I believe the world will end on 21st December 2012.

2. 2014 – Feet will be bigger in 2014 by an average of 7.54% per toe.

3. July 2014 –   Nelson Mandela will finally depart the earth for a better place.

As you can see I was right about Nelson whilst NASA has confirmed that toes are 3.68% bigger on average this year.  The world did end in 2012 but most men have yet to notice due to internet porn.

I know you are agog with anticipation to learn of my predictions for 2015.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. Everyone will take pointless images of themselves. These images will be called Selfies.

2. Dallas will be reinvented as a healthy eating soap opera set in the elasticated waistbanded, masticated heartland of Texas. Sallad will be the year’s Breaking Bad.

3. Taylor Swift’s nasal passage will be the setting for the new Star War’s franchise. She will sneeze the Millenium Falcon into hyper-space in spectacular fashion! “The Empire’s Hooter” will be a box office smash.

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Elaine, Walthamstow

The cat ate it.

Barbara, Adelaide

Mum kept the receipt in case you didn’t like the blouse.

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Bo Bing thinks velcro fasteners would be a safer bet for you.

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….HAPPY 2011!

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Crackhead in the Cupboard’s – “Christmas Drug Tips”

Hi Kids,

Christmas can be a tricky time for opiate users!

 

My former dealer Dinsdale used to pack up shop and head off to the lovely island of Santorini to help an archeological dig over the Holiday period.  Always good to have a hobby don’t you think.

Anyway as my supply of Class A’s dried up for a few days I was forced to use my imagination as to what to snort, sniff, inject or smoke to attain an alternative level of consciousness.

So, if you find yourself stuck this yuletide in the search for narcotics heaven, here are a few ideas;

• Snort a bauble
• Smoke ground up tinsel (the hallucinogenic quality of tinsel has long been overlooked.)
• Rob a neighbour
• Place a large Turkey on your head and breathe its decaying fumes After 4 days the high is extraordinary!

Christmas Crack Pudding is lovely too.  Make sure it is locally sourced though.

Merry Christmas!

Peace and Love

Uncle Crackhead

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The Brazilian – Where Do You Stand?- Oily George Gives His Views

Hello Oily

Pubic hair topiary is all the rage this year in North Devon. What is your view on “The Brazilian”? Sambatastic or are you a bush guy.

Aged Elsie, Bideford

Oily Replies;

Elsie,

I spent a summer on Copacabana a few years ago and filmed the real Brazil in my documentary ‘City of Thongs’. (Did you know that Queen Victoria wore an early prototype, a kind of hair shirt for the arse – which historians claim explains her permanent miserable gurn).

Armed with such fascinating historical facts I wandered the beach interviewing, oiled up thong clad  ass shaking women. The results were…..well, exhausting.

The question I ask society at large in this wonderful piece of “Deep Throat” journalism is a simple one: is the thong all it’s cracked up to be?

Oh and by the way Elsie, I found your false teeth. Not sure how they got clamped there without me noticing overnight. Let’s stay off the rum in future!

Oily

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Chairlifts, Soduko and The Road To Rio – By Bob on the Pot

Hello

I was round Aunt Bab’s this morning adjusting her new Stenna chairlift. She was very grateful, although medically speaking there is nothing wrong with her unless being bone idle is now recognised as a medical condition.

The lift does set her new wallpaper off a treat though.

I had the inaugural journey, as I needed the smallest room. Got stuck on the landing and had to walk the rest of the way. Not exactly Neil Armstrong – can’t have everything in life.

I had a go at that Sudokio in The Sun whilst on the pot. All Those Numbers! In Boxes. Up. Down. Across. Did My Head In. Numbers are bollocks. End of.

So I rolled up the paper and swatted a fly who was banging its head against the frosted window pane.

Bit like me with the Sodokio.

I walked down the stairs.

The lads in the Dubious Pilchard were impressed when I told them of my new fitness regime. Given up crisps too. On Sundays at least.

Rio’s only round the corner after all……

Be lucky.

Bob

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