David Cameron Predicts Sharia Law In Scotland

British PM David Cameron has predicted that Scotland will be under Sharia Law “within days” of becoming Independent.

The PM speaking to Gfb’s Colin Testicle, gave the warning as the polls narrowed further in the run up to the referendum on Scottish independence on September 18th.

After his valet Timpkins had salted the PM’s boiled egg and cut up his soldiers, Cameron told Testicle, “Look here – these Jock chaps  and chapesses need to know whats going on with those Nationalist  wallahs.  They are actually a front for “The Mad McMullahs” a shadowy Islamist/Free Presbyterian ultra orthodox Abrahamic faith union who want to ban Knee length socks, cabbage and deep fried Mars Bars, which people of Scotland, I personally adore.”

Could He Be a Terrorist?

When asked what proof he has of the existence of The Mad McMullahs, the PM replied, “Can’t say too much old bean, walls have ears and all that but safe to say take a shufty at Alex Salmond – imagine him with a beard. Yeah? Yeah? Now what about his piece of totty Nicola Sturgeon – imagine her with a beard. Obvious really isn’t it! Salmond also owns a Cat Stevens record.”

“I suspect we are going have to arm the Orange Order at this rate,” he said before belching and turning his attention to a couple of Dick Emery sketches which apparently is contingency planning for Ukraine.

Gfb asked Big Jock Al-McJock Al Kebab Shish and Salad – Imam of the Galashiels Mosque for a reply and he told us, “Cameron is a fucking idiot.”

 

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Tony Blair Wants To Bomb His Local Indian Restaurant After Dodgy Chicken Tikka Masala

 

Narcissistic loon Tony Blair has called for his local Curry House to be bombed after the Chicken Tikka Masala he’d ordered turned out to be “Dodgy”.

As he told GFB,

“I was with the Chairs of Goldman Sachs, EXXON and Halliburton outlining my plans for peace in the Middle East by bombing the shite out of the place.  Only bombing will bring about the long-lasting peace we in the West deserve. Mass slaughter will open their eyes to my genius.

The curry turns up and the chicken was a ropey.  The owners are Bengali and Muslim – after all I have done for Muslims!  So I got on the blower to the RAF to order them to launch a few Sidewinders into the “Passage To India”.

“They told to me to “Fuck Off You Nutter!”

Me! Tony!

So, I called me old muckers Bill Clinton and George W to see if the Yanks could strike and y’know what? They never returned my call! Me! After all I’ve done for America!

There’s always Vladimir – he’s a chum now – especially as I am considering being a peace envoy for Ukraine – worth a few bob that gig.

As I said 10 years ago. History will be my judge. For without me there would be no peace in Iraq today. Does anybody know where a good curry house is though?”

“Cos We’re Worth It!”

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Prince Charles – Now He Slags Of Paul McCartney & The Dalai Lama!

Many of you will have read that Prince Charles had a pop at Russian President and leading gay rights advocate, Vladimir Putin “On The Ritz” calling Vlad a Nazi. (Best not to look too deeply at Charles’ Grandmother then!)

Defender Of The Sausage

What was not revealed was the Chuck, currently annoying people in Nova Scotia, then went on to slam Beatles legend and champion of misjudged cosmetic surgery, Paul McCartney.

Gfb can reveal that Chas said about Macca, “Christ I’m sick of that scouse arsewipe. Ever since he married that one legged Geordie Harpie he’s been a right pain in one’s arse. Always turning up uninvited, Olympics, Jubilee, Weddings. If I hear “Hey Fuckin’ Jude”  emanating from his gob off key one more time I’ll get Mama to lock him in the fuckin’ Tower. He only gets the gig cos Camilla uses his plastic surgeon. Can’t you tell? They have the same nose and chin. Na Na Na Na me arse.”

But that was not all.

An hour later, drink in hand and a touch world weary, Charles was heard to say about the Dalai Lama, “Speccy Chink Wanker. Buddhist my arse. Looks like a nonce to me. Fuckin’ hate vegetarians I do. Never known any situation where having a sausage doesn’t make things better.”

He then hopped over the garden fence to steal a pair of women’s knickers that were drying on a rotary dryer in the balmy Nova Scotian spring air.

 

“One’s Always Been A Thong Man!”

 

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Ginger Mysticism – With The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now.

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk in my hometown of Devizes. I also deliver eggs, orange juice, potatoes, bread (wholemeal mostly but the occasional white sliced) and yoghurt.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. Hairy knees will be this year’s must have accessory amongst the Hollywood glitterati.

2. Vladimir Putin’s testicles will douse a giant forest fire in Siberia.

3. Terry Wogan’s wig to be granted World Heritage Status by UNESCO.

4. Princess Kate to have her first baby and call the girl George.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Deirdre in Stockton,

It’s behind the flour tin.

Aranja in Pamplona

The loose floorboard under the stairs.

Malisarno in Palermo

You will find the answer on the blind woman’s mole

 

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny. Until next time……….I’ll keep me pints a rattlin’ for ye!

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Can I Make My Fortune From My Buttocks? Oily George Says Yes!

Oily

I was wondering if there is an opening for a guy like me in your movies. I am 6 feet tall, tanned and my buttocks are pert. I can whistle the back catalogue of the Beatles whilst under water and recently escorted well-known Dolly Bird, Dolores Titwank to the opening of the “Dixy, Trixie, Lixie Southern Fried Chicken Y’all” shop in Harlesden, where I ate chicken nuggets off her ample cleavage.

I have no nipples though.

Any use to you?

Nippleless Nippleby

Oily Replies;

I know Dolores well. Met her through her sister Fellatio Felicity from Faversham. Lovely girl. So giving. Prone to speaking with her mouth full though. Causes a right mess. Little wonder my laundry bill is so high!

Nippy I have absolutely no doubt I could use you. On our books we have all manner of odd balls freaks, kinksters, fetishists, perverts, onanists, duoists, orgiests and various other made up words. So long as you aren’t a Tory blue blood. Got to draw the line somewhere. They always go too far. Not enough to f**k one, two or a small intimate group of like minded individuals, they have to f**k entire communities who never asked for it in the first place.

Oh my a bit of politics people.

My name is Oily George I’m here all week. Or until my bail is paid.

Free The Oily 1!

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Winter Olympics 2014 – Sochi Update – With Ginger Sooty Day #37

Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the Sochi 2014 Olympics that are, quite simply Sochi 2014.

Well Folks –  What A Day!

Canada beat the USA in the Women’s Ic Hockey. Go heavily padded and helmeted girls!

Britain got a bronze in the women’s curling!

Tony Blair offered his services to the Ukrainian Government after he spotted a kindred spirit in President  Yanukovich and his boss “Nipples” Putin. GFB says, “Good on yer Tone, where there is state sponsored terror there is a pound!”

A bunch of old lads got together and won the Marxist-Leninist-Maoist-Curling! If only these lads could make a clean sweep of things today!

A couple of sports to look out for.

1. Fried Food Half Pipe –  Marvel at Frenchman, Serge Hohehon’s ability to catch a variety of battered foods whilst performing spins, somersaults, back flips and gurning along the half pipe. His three hop bouncing samosa (with pike) needs to be seen to be believed.

The tasty savourys will be launched by American acting legend Patrick Duffy. Pat has very strong wrists and so is suited to flinging fried foods. He will be wearing the swimming trunks he wore in The Man From Atlantis to add a bit of “showbiz” to the event.

2. Ice Pluckery

You are blindfolded and nailed to a spinning wheel.  For twenty four hours you are spun and forced to listen to Roseanna by Toto, after which you watch the entire back catalogue of Adam Sandler’s films. Twice.

You then have all your body hair removed by sandpaper, vilified by the cast of Hair and Ernie will bore you senseless about his feet and love of tuna fish sandwiches.

This is Set 1 of Ice Pluckery. There are a further 17 Sets which contain even more cruel and unusual tests of endurance,  patience and brain function including; The Braying Banker, Ironing Jelly, “Roger Moore Can Act – Discuss” and a personal favourite – finding the positives in  the singing voice of Yoko Ono.

Belgium’s Beatrice Molde is favourite for Gold.

Enjoy The Games!

Sooty

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The Tightfisted Traveller

We all know that the cost of travelling can be prohibitively expensive. Gfb has turned to ace traveller Contour D.Tour for help.

His book – Tetanus Jab? Your Having A Laugh! – rumours abound that Clooney has bought an option – provides the price sensitive wanderer with a myriad of ways to travel for free.

Here, we abridge his journey from London to Kazakhstan. We hope you find some useful tips for the family holiday.

Day 1 – London Victoria – Board the Dover train early – hide in the luggage rack – eat soap and begin to foam at mouth. Rabies will keep ’em at bay. Soon able to construct a soap bubble model of the Wills and Kate.

Day 1 – Dover Docks – Steal pedillo from nearby boating lake.  To France!

Day 1 – France – Sneak onto lorry carrying homesick tulips bound for Holland.

Day 2 – Holland – Bury myself in carrot field. Befriend a mole.

A Carrot Field

Day 56 – Holland – Harvested – tossed into lorry and driven to Polish carrot processing factory. Tinned and packed.

Day 57 – Poland – Give Spinster living in town of Zzzzzzskbrgw a shock when I pop out of her tin of baby carrots. Steal her Pope John Paul II replica kit – offered lift to Ukraine by Zzzzzzskbrgw’s open topped tour bus company in return for pretending to be former Pontiff for two days. Contract prostrate trouble from all that lying down and kissing tarmac.

Day 61 – Ukraine – Steal accordion from one armed busker – Cossack dance my way across the Steppes playing classic folk song, Kalinka as I do so. My latent buttock strength proves a Godsend.

Day 62/3/4/5 – Ukraine – Still Cossacking and Kalinkaing – Pity I don’t know any other songs.

Day 66 – Ukraine – Arrive in Chernobyl – immediately grow third ear and a sundial on right knee.

Day 69 – Ukraine – Hide in accordion and wait to be picked up by radiation addled Ukrainian accordion enthusiast. Third ear comes in handy. Sundial doesn’t.

Day 135 – Ukraine – The accordion appears to have lost its cache amongst the Slavic peoples. Shame.

Day 136 – Ukraine -Finally picked up by radiation addled Ukrainian accordion enthusiast, Anatoly Gazpachiov – starts to play me. Bloody Kalinka again. Followed by “If I Were A Rich Man,” Hurrah a new tune!

Day 139 – Russian border – Anatoly loses eye after formaldehyde binge drinking session. Sells accordion to Dmitri Tarpaulin, owner of “”Dissident World” – the leading forced labour theme park in the world.

Day 141 – Russia – I am set to work as a Boris Yeltsin look-alike on Dissident World’s ghost train, the Gulag Ghouler.

Day 145 – Russia – Steal Ghost train and make a dash for Kazak border – at 3 mph – chased by a mob of dwarf Stalin’s, Lenin’s, Brezhnev’s, Castro’s and Honnecker’s in spare train.

Day 212 – Reach Kazakhstan – Cross the border – the Titchy Trot heroes of socialist revolution wave their tiny fists at me in anger.

Kazakhstan – Big place. Hello! Is there anybody here? Tatar appears on horse.

PRICE COMPARISON

British Midland International

London Heathrow to Astana, Kazakhstan.

Price £349

Time; 7 Hours 15 Minutes

Tightfisted Traveller

London to Kazak Border

Price; Free!

Time 5,088 Hours

YOU DECIDE!

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