Simon Cowell Shows His Balls On X Factor!

As the new series of the X Factor starts on TV tonight, we were able to snap Simon warming up with his balls in his new passion,  Rhythmic Gymnastics.

Great control Big Fella!

“It’s all about the wrist”

Simon’s new show, “Celebrity Drowning” a reality format combining Gymnastics, Dance, Cooking and Holding Your Breath Underwater is gonna be huge!!!!!!

Yes folks – the man has balls!

Fellow judge Louis Whatshisname showed off his beam skills.

“Hello Ronan – I have an idea – Beamzone!”

Whilst new judge Foghorn Spice still has some way to go……..

“Fook me this is fookin ‘ard”

 

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Mary Berry In Great British Jerk Off Shocker!

Fans of hit TV show, The Great British Bake Off were delighted to hear that Baking Guru, Mary “The Beast” Berry has set a new age category record for the Snatch in weightlifting.

Mary lifted 7 tons in Glasgow last night, whilst sporting one of her “absolutely scrummy” chocolate tier cakes. Asked about the secret behind her great strength, Mary smiled sweetly and replied, “I use massive amounts of steroids in my baking. My snatch is an absolute picture as a result but I do have to shave my chest occasionally!”

Not to be outdone co-host and self-styled Bad Boy of British Baking, Paul “Product” Hollywood also jerked himself to glory with a lift of 8.5 tons in Abergavenny last Tuesday, whilst balancing a pork pie on his head.

“I’ve nothing left to proof,” Hollywood said.

All that effort led to a soggy bottom I’m afraid

 

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Doctor Who’s Fence Revealed! – This Month’s “Fences Of The Famous!”

Hello!

“All the world’s a fence.”

Like doubts, we all have them or know someone who has them. Fences that is.

What does your Fence say about you?  Secondary Picket? Loosely Hinged? A Godfather? Weak Footings?

Who knows? Who cares! 

This month sees Peter Capaldi fill the boots of the Time Lord and begetter of utterly incomprehensible, contrived and convoluted plots – Doctor Who!

The BBC allowed Gfb’s Sci-Fi correspondent, Cedric Must-Get-Outmore, access to the Set and he managed to take this snap of The Doctor fighting new baddies The Creosoters.

 

My fence is Ronsealed!

Last time Benedict Cumberbatch shared his Closed Border Fence with us. Looks like he and the Doc share a passion for the CBF!

 

Boo Bono!

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Arts Scene – With Terry Cotter The Potter

 

My name is Terry Cotter. I’m a potter.

I stock a wide range of ceramic goods in my shop The Potter’s Reel here in Lower Swell. The shop is named after my potter’s wheel which goes round and round. Like a reel.

Here are reviews the world they call “Art”.

1. Painting

Sunflowers – VanGogh’s masterpiece – Some flowers in a vase. Don’t like vases. I Prefer Urns. More hygenic. Vince cut his ear off. That must have smarted.

2. Movies

Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid – A western set in the west.  Gary Numan is in it. Goes on a bit. Has that song about raindrops on his bonce.

3. Music

Chopin’s Polonaise in A flat major – There’s a bit that goes plinky,plinky, plinky plonk, plonk. After that it goes down hill.

4. Literature

Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky – A Russian bloke commits a crime and is punished for it. Goes on a bit.
Village News

The mime festival will take place by the counter in the Post Office next Wednesday. Thanks to Jeff Smegly for the face paint.

‘Til next time – The Wheel Keeps On Turning!

TCTP

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Jon Bon Jovi’s Hair – Will It Help Me Oily George?

Hello Oily

Which do you think is more likely to make a comeback as a hairstyle for men, the perm or the mullet?

I like Jon Bon Jovi’s locks – they are teased, tousled and perfectly match his cock rock power rock ballads about being a dead or alive cowboy on a steel horse whilst keeping the dream alive and our love will never die cos we were meant to be together and holding on together ‘cos he rides a steel cowboy often in the rain.

Bet his hair never gets wet though.

Toby, Moray

Oily Replies,

Toby,

I go for the sleek and sensual Silver Fox look. Easily maintained and always stays in position even when I have my ‘watersports’ weekends with the Compton Fetishist Society here in Crazy City.

Yes, my sexual proclivities are not bound by class creed or colour. Or species, if you believe the tittle tattle written in the Catholic Herald this week. But I deny those charges vehemently.

Was simply a misunderstanding.

Woof Woof.

You really know the lyrics of Bon Jovi don’t you. Well done and have a biscuit.

I love Twisted Sister – the relation not the band.

Regards, Oily

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American Gothic – Gingered!

A modern classic – Old slaphead needed a syrup and a sausage.

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John Travolta In “Saturday Night Fever Disco Chicken” (Again)

The 70’s Classic……..A disco dancing chicken and a whole lot more…..apparently Led Zeppelin were going to write the sound track. But didn’t.

 

 

 

 

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Ed Sheeran Talks About His Sausage

Ginger troubadour, Ed Sheeran was interviewed again by Gfb about music, Taylor Swift,  his pet sausage Dennis and his passion for coach holidays.

46 year old Ed, whose new single “I Managed To Rope Pharrell In” is released, soon told Gfb’s Mandy Trifle, “The collaboration with Pharrell came about because we both wear hats! I like beanies that smell a bit in the rain, not the fancy pants ones that Vivienne Westwood designs for him. When Dennis, my pet sausage also pointed out that we were both black and Ginger, it seemed silly not to do a duet.”

Ed 27, also explained how he came to collaborate with beanpole pop superstar Taylor “Hammers Of Justice” Swift. Their duet, “I Managed To Rope Taylor In” topped the charts.

“Dennis pointed out that the since both Taylor and I are white, women and been on a date with Harry Styles from No Direction. It seemed silly not to do a duet. It went to #1 in 46 countries including Belgebourg, a place that doesn’t even exist!”

Redhead Ed, 33 told us that he is knackered and needs a holiday. “My beanie needs a wash. So I’ve booked a coach trip around the Lake District for me and Dennis to watch sheepdog trials. I like sheep. Do you? Baa Baa.”

Come By Lad!

 

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Ginger Mysticism – With The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now.

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk in my hometown of Devizes. I also deliver eggs, orange juice, potatoes, bread (wholemeal mostly but the occasional white sliced) and yoghurt.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. Hairy knees will be this year’s must have accessory amongst the Hollywood glitterati.

2. Vladimir Putin’s testicles will douse a giant forest fire in Siberia.

3. Terry Wogan’s wig to be granted World Heritage Status by UNESCO.

4. Princess Kate to have her first baby and call the girl George.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Deirdre in Stockton,

It’s behind the flour tin.

Aranja in Pamplona

The loose floorboard under the stairs.

Malisarno in Palermo

You will find the answer on the blind woman’s mole

 

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny. Until next time……….I’ll keep me pints a rattlin’ for ye!

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Let Down By Love – Aunty Bill Help!

Hello Aunty;

Several days ago I discovered that my man was cheating on me with a foot pump. Ever since I have felt very deflated.

Is there anything I can do?

Wendy, Bolton

Dear Wendy,

Men are creatures of habit and it may well be that you haven’t been paying him full attention, hence his preoccupation with matters of the motoring kind.

If he’s feeling under pressure at work or home he needs a release valve and seems to have found it in the boot of his car. Tread carefully but you need to get to the hub of the problem before it escalates. Perhaps he’s tired of the domestic routine although it’s too early to gauge.

Without wishing to put a spanner in the works I suggest that if you spoke to him about your concerns he may well realise the error of his ways and realise he has been acting a bit nuts. With a little effort you may be able to repair this relationship without puncturing his hopes for the future.

Just be thankful it’s a foot pump and not one of the flash ones down the local petrol station. Although you have to pay to use them, the hoses are so much longer and once it gets going the vibration is something else!

Aunty

 

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