The Pope & Prince Charles – Both Love A Chinstrap!

Hello!

To celebrate chinstrap month, here are some of the great and good who have proudly sport one.

As Shakespeare wrote, “All the world’s a chinstrap”.

Enjoy!

Here is heir to the throne Prince Charles complete with the Sausage of the Glen

Here Is The Pope!

And here is Steve McQueen!

 

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Moby Dick Makes Me Sick! By Agnes DuPont

We hope you remain as amazed as we at the previous lives of Agnes DuPont!

Hello People,

It is great to be here to share with you my previous lives.

Last week I was a Sperm whale for a few hours.

I know this because I am still very partial to plankton and shed a tear at the end of Free Willy 2.

I even swallowed a man in Asda! (I was looking for dental floss. The plankton gets stuck between the teeth you see.)

He is quite comfy. So don’t worry.

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese late at night……….I would beg to differ.

Call me Ishmael

Regards,

Agnes

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Bull Pull – The Craze That Is Sweeping The World!

Hello,

As Shakespeare wrote, “Tis, Twas, Aforesaid herewith are we not yet more than but could we be? Advance yonder light and rest upon my girded goatee.” Couldn’t have put it better myself.

Here are some new sports to look out for in 2015!

1. Rolf – Use clubs to smack a hefty, big boned Viking around a muddy field for a bit (Imagine Game of Thrones meets Crazy Golf.)

2. Incessance – A woman in her 60’s sits next to you on a bus and talks utter shite until your ears bleed and your stools turn black with impotent rage.  A sport that combines endurance, pointlessness and constipation in equal measure.

3. Nonogenarian Bollock Drop and Roll Ball – You will be aghast at the stretchy sack elderly gentlemen possess.

4. Bacon Pocket – Throw a slice of bacon into a team mate’s pocket from 100 feet. The Javelin meets Lacrosse using cured meats. The Spanish variant is known as Chip my Chorizo (“Chippo meo Chorizo” in the native tongue.)

5. Udder Pool – Arrange your prize milker over the green baize and use the powerful milk stream to pot the balls! Also known as Bull Pull but this version is for the strong of wrist and fleet of foot!!

Come On Kate!

 

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A Feminist Icon I! – The Previous Lives Of Agnes Dupont

I was in Tesco’s rummaging amongst the mangoes with a view to buying one for my pudding this evening.  As I popped a fruit into my trolley, I felt a tad woozy and a touch fey.

I had an insatiable desire to free my people from the yoke of Roman tyranny.

The spirit of Boadicea, Queen of the Iceni had entered me!

I applied Brobat Blue woad and with my wonky wheeled trolley chariot, I sought vengeance on the spotty youth oppressing me with her inability to locate the dried apricots in the Storeroom.

She was no underpaid wage slave of questionable literacy and numeracy skills but a Roman oppressor!

I rented the air with a cry of “Death To The Romans!”

The Romans formed a Shield Wall using tins of Kidney, Baked and Borlotti Beans. The cunning curs!

Sadly my uprising came to an abrupt halt when the wonky wheel of the accursed trolley chariot fell off and I skidded to a halt by the tinned fish shelf (Pilchards on special offer by the way).

Mango anyone?

Regards,

Agnes

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Have A Gingery July 4th!

 

 

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Pity England – Crap At Everything – Time For Some New Sports!

Hello,

• Out of the World Cup
• Walloped in the Cricket
• Allowed predatory paedophile TV Stars to sustain child abuse in plain view
• An incompetent Prime Minister stiffed by the Europeans
• An Establishment clique exposed in the Courts as contemptuous of The People
• A nation governed for the benefit of Bankers.

Even the Scottish may show them the finger!

Pity England…..

England gifted the world – Football, Rugby, Tennis, giggling, The Rule of Law, the tank top, Pleurisy, pleated skirts, sandwiches, Parliamentary Democracy, trapped wind, the concentration camp and poorly drawn international boundaries. Oh and Margaret Thatcher.

As Shakespeare wrote, “Tis, Twas, Aforesaid herewith are we not yet more than but could we be? Advance yonder light and rest upon my girded goatee.”

The nation is down in the dumps. What is the answer?

New games gifted to grateful foreigners – but fear not in another 100 or so years England will be crap at these too!

Hooray! Hooray!

SOME GAMES THE ENGLISH CAN GIVE TO THE WORLD! GRATIS! FREE!

1. Formation Immolation – Team arson has never been so much fun!

2. Pillow Dribble Staining – Dribbling and sleeping – the perfect combo! 

3. Donkey Dangle – hang limply from a donkey without food, water or “natural break”. A sport that combines endurance, pointlessness and chafing in equal measure.

4. Pluckery –  Competitors are blindfolded, nailed to a wheel and spun for 24 hours – they are then asked to come up with a cogent argument for the continued existence of Piers Morgan.

This is Level 1 of Pluckery – “The cruel and unusual test of pointless endurance”.

5. Gibber – A sport with a training regime like no other. Drinking, smoking, tottering, poor bladder control, teeth staining, sitting in pubs talking cobblers and eating greasy food of dubious quality on the way home, whilst talking more nonsense.

Every day. For decades.

“I think therefore I gibber.” D’escartes.

6. Octogenarian Bollock Drop and Roll Ball – You will be aghast at the stretchy tessies elderly gentlemen possess.

7. Bouncing Bards – Poets hop around a running track and recite poems written by local halfwits.

8. Sado-Masochist Balls –  Teams of S & M types –  line em up against a wall and rub them feverishly with sandpaper – ALL OVER.

9. Sausage Pocket – Throw a sausage – from distance – into a team mate’s pocket – The Javelin meets Lacrosse using a savoury meaty snack.

10. Nervous Team Titter – The game for those who react to pressure by giggling – a team of titterers seek to score “giggle goals” in a variety of embarrassing situations.     

Come On Kate – Get Pregnant!

Sweet Jesus

 

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Love For My Tortoise Has Taught Us Happiness – So Says Aunty Bill

Aunty Bill,

I have been going out with a tortoise for a couple of weeks now. She is lovely and really enjoys gangsta rap, as do I.

I called round to see her last night and her mum said she couldn’t come out as she was hibernating in a shoe box stuffed with straw for the next four months.

What shall I do Aunty Bill? I am bereft without her and had bought tickets for the upcoming W’anka B’igwilly Gayreally concert.

Brandon, Utah

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hi Brandon,

One of the drawbacks of dating household pets, particularly a toothless land reptile with a soft body encased in a dome shaped shell (with the addition of clawed limbs) is that you have to adopt the softly softly catchee tortoise approach.

No good rushing things here pal. The best you can hope for is three to four months company from your new girl as its box time for the rest of the year, chowing down on lettuce and sleeping.

Nice idea with the tickets there Brandon (have you heard Fab Five Freddy & the Fuckwits latest? It’s sick, as the the youngsters say here on the wing). Hope you realise its going to take a long time to get there.

If the gig is in July I’d set off today.

Have you considered a Terrapin? You get to go swimming a lot. They are much smaller and more mobile. And they don’t eat lettuce.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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World Cup 2014! Brazil! Prince Charles’ View Of The Competing Nations – Part 4

The World Cup Is Here!

Brazil is hosting the tournament.

Prince Charles provides his rounded view of the 32 Nations taking part. Here is his take on the final two Groups (Thank God) G and H.

Group G

Germany – Leiderhosen laden, oompa loompaing, thigh slapping titanic Teutons – massively hammed to a man – made a few mistakes in the past but who hasn’t? I’d slip Angela Merkel a length! Still have relatives there.

Portugal – Port swilling Latin layabouts obsessed with sardines and hair styling products -World centre for dandruff research.

Ghana – Ex colony (weren’t they all? sigh) – people smile a lot and wear clothes so bright their jumpers are visible from Saturn – cheap place to buy sandals but sadly not brogues for one.

USA – Ex colony – they have a penchant for shooting each other indiscriminately yet keep to a strict oral hygiene regime – invent their own games involving shoulder pads to make sure they win them.  Saved our bacon in WW2 when they finally got their arses into gear! Never forgiven Travolta for dancing with Dia*a all them years ago – no wonder he turned to Scientology (she was barking by the way – in case you weren’t sure).

Group H

Belgium – Mussels, chips and getting invaded a lot – Belgium!

Algeria – Cous-cous chomping nihilists who kicked the Frogs out decades ago – up yer arse De Gaulle! –  not  a fan of cous cous – the bits get stuck in one’s teeth.

Russia – Light hearted libertines with a soft spot for totalitarianism and gay rights – their idea of fun is amoebic dysentery – they burn puppies in the winter to keep warm – the rich ones have bought London.

Korea – Workaholic loons – bastards stole our ship building industry – trapped wind archery is the national sport (use your imaginations – does not make an appealing spectacle).

ENJOY THE COMPETITION!

TTFN

Charlie

 

 

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The Pope & Prince Charles – Both Love A Chinstrap!

Hello!

To celebrate world chinstrap week, Gingerfightback brings to you some of the great and good down the years who have proudly sported one.

As Shakespeare wrote, “All the world’s a chinstrap”.

Enjoy!

Here is heir to the throne Prince Charles complete with the Sausage of the Glen

Here Is The Pope!

And here is Steve McQueen!

 

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What Am I Working On?

Hello,

I avoid getting involved in round robin memes as it feels oxymoronic for a blog that celebrates the absurd and nonsensical to explain itself in anyway.

However, I was invited by the wonderful Kathryn Grid at art colored glasses to talk about my writing. This is a different story. Because Kathryn is wonderful. Plain and simple. She has a clarity of thought and writing style that explains why this blogging lark is so enjoyable. Whether it be poetry, art, photography or beautifully written pieces about modern-day life I always find her insights enjoyable.

I am late with this exercise, partly because I was in heavy training for a half marathon, partly because the PC required the brawny yet caring hands of Trevor the ‘puter repair man (scuppering a few sausageifications I might add) but mostly due to inertia.

So apologies Kathryn for missing your deadline!

The rules of the process are that I answer four questions about how I write and nominate three others.

What am I working on at the moment?

I am putting the finishing touches to a set of stories all written on trains and have finally prepared the skeleton for a novel which will consume me for years to come.

I am also through Gingerfightback seeking to get “Nonsense with a purpose” included into the political lexicon of Britain in time for the General Election in 2015.

How does my work differ from others of its genre?

No idea.

I concentrate on writing good stories with engaging characters that makes the reader want to get to the end of the story.

Why do I write what I do?

It is the way my brain works. I have an aversion to long windedness. Flowery writing drives me potty. Cherish words – don’t waste them.

How does my writing process work?

Notepad and pen. Always scribbling. Arrows and balloons. Get the narrative and then characterisation (my handwriting is so abysmal that the transfer to the screen is a slow and expletive laden process). Once I am happy with the structure, rewrite the thing. Remove excessive words. Rewrite. Third or fourth draft I might be happy with. Probably not so rewrite with the aim of removing more words.

I am a morning person.

And now, I nominate these three writers to participate in a Writing Process Blog Meme:

I nominated the people below because;

• I have enjoyed reading their work
• They hail from the British Isles
• Their work covers adult and children’s literature and also poetry

Jackie @ http://barbedwords.wordpress.com/

Holly Anne @ http://hollyannegetspoetic.wordpress.com

JD @http://jdgallagher.wordpress.com

If you accept my nomination, please write an article prompted by the following four questions and post it on your blog sometime in the future. You’ll also nominate three writers of your choice to post their articles on their blogs again at sometime in the future. The four questions are;

What am I working on at the moment?

How does my work differ from others of its genre?

Why do I write what I do?

How does my writing process work?

Don’t worry if you don’t want to do it!

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