My 5 A Day Diet! By Crackhead in the Cupboard

As you know we are always being told to have 5 a day! I couldn’t agree more!

 

I recommend a Marijuana, Vodka, Crack, Speed, Smack sandwich – on locally sourced Wholegrain naturally.

No butter as it is bad for the heart.

Peace and Love

Uncle Crackhead

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Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes – Exclusive! Caeser is a Ginger!

Hello,

Gingerfightback’s film critic Mark Commode, has discovered that the central character in the Rise of the Planet of the Apes – Caesar  – was originally going to be Ginger as the film’s producers believed it would make the whole thing more realistic.

 

Ginger and ever so angry

The next instalment, provisionally titled, “Early Morning On The Planet Of The Apes – Kippers for Breakfast” will feature a spectacular bicycle  chase  modelled on the attached outtake from, “Late Afternoon On The Planet Of The Apes – Not So Warm When The Sun Goes In Is It?”

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Almanac – Your Futures Foretold – By The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now. Previous predictions can be read here. and here

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk – in bottles.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. June 2012 –  Germany will win the World Cup.

2. March 2015– A joint Transformers and X-Men movie will be released under the title “Transformen – Robots With Sideburns – Rise of the Pygmies”. The film will be shown in VD.

3. December 25 2014 – A cauliflower will be proclaimed King of England much to the chagrin of Prince Charles. King Cauli will prove to be a wise and benevolent leader. The House of Brassica will rule England for the next 3,000 years.

Miffed

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Michelle, Arizona;

Look in the biscuit tin.

Macy, Munich;

Feel your varicose veins for the answer to your conundrum!

Liang Bo in Shanghai;

Right a bit, now left a bit – THERE!

Antoinette, Enschede;

Find the man with the name Alfonse on his name tag. Fortune awaits when you do!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

I am now returning the Milk Bottle of Mystery to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

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Is Love Just A Fishy Tale? Aunty Bill Thinks Not!

Hello Aunty;

Where I come from, a woman selects her life partner by slapping him/her with a wet haddock. Sadly, due to Climate Change, warming oceans and over fishing, the wet haddock shoal has all but disappeared.

The only thing I can lay my hands on now is a 15 lb lump hammer and am worried that the man I have chosen for the rest of my life, known locally as Ted The Runt, may not withstand the tap of love.

Any tips?

Big Elsie, Stockport

Dear Elsie;

Stop! In the name of love!

Before approaching Ted with the lump hammer (although it sounds like he’s not adverse to a smack on the chops with a heavy implement) have you considered the alternatives?

Haddock does seem to have had its chips but there are a wealth of bottom feeders out there that will adequately do the job. Cheap, ugly and prone to instant decay if not used promptly (bit like Ted’s gnashers I hear) they would make any man fall gratefully onto your ample, heaving bosom (if not shove a couple of pickled eggs up your blouse, goes well with the fish).

Alternatively if you’re having trouble sourcing bottom feeders, a family sized bag of Asdas frozen whole tail scampi should suffice. Cheap and if swung with sufficient force it will have a similar effect to a 15lb hammer.

How about adding a few jars of tartar sauce to the bag for extra effect?

Tartar for now!

Aunty

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DIY Tips With Tommy Tapper – #2 Boilers

Tommy Tapper, “Plumber To The Stars” provides a valuable introduction to DIY.

If it can be fixed he won’t be able to do it

His manual, “I Bodge Therefore I am,” is an acknowledged masterclass in the no-nonsense, no worries, no skill approach to DIY.

Here are some of his trade secrets for Boilers.

1. What is the primary purpose of a boiler? To breakdown.

2. Where are boilers located? In a very inaccessible spot in your home.

3. What are they made of?  Normally stiff metally stuff.  A few pipes pop out. These allow you to play a boiler as a wind instrument in a mildly comedic fashion.

4. Normal boiler problems?  They stop working.

5. Things to consider before you fix a boiler;

i) If you can’t fix it by hitting it with your hammer, you maybe facing a more sizeable problem.

ii) The journey time to your local Accident and Emergency unit.

iii) Use a naked flame to check for a gas leak. Much the quickest way and so much better than all this politically correct, health and safety, Muslims eat our babies do gooding stuffed constantly rammed down our throats by the EU.

iv) Your adjustable spanner is comfortable with change.

v) That it is the boiler you are fixing.

5. Little known fact about the Boiler

The domestic boiler was invented in 1874 by Derek Central-Heating. Fancy that!

“Gingerfightback – The Blog That Cares. Really Cares”

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I’ve learned A New Word Today – Tuesday! – Aunty Bill Profers Tuesday Tips

Hello Aunty

I learned a new word today. Tuesday.

This means that my week is now four days long. Wednesday, Saturday, Monday and now Tuesday. What can I do to fill my time on Tuesdays? The other days of the week I dribble and wet myself.

Damp Dave, The Thickest Man On Earth

Dear Dave

The days missing are Thursday, Friday and Sunday. Learn these by heart as it will make your week complete.

Spend Thursday cleaning up Monday and Wednesday’s dribble and wee in preparation for another bout of bodily leakage, although now you have Tuesday you have the option of option of either cleaning up Monday’s mess or having another day to sit in a mire of your own making on Tuesday and Wednesday and having a bloody big clean up on Thursday (see above for the new days added to your week).

I would advise against this. Best to try and hold back on Tuesday and then have a good tidy up on Wednesday (confusing isn’t it?)

This leaves Thursday free to go to the Job Centre to look for some kind of gainful employment, although I see few openings.

Friday – feel free to either scan the local paper for supplies of Cosifits or revert to type in preparation for the Saturday clean up.

Sunday, if you can control your bowels, visit the local museum to see how your ancestors lived.

Yes Dave they lived just like you although at least they had the get up and go to throw their excretia out of the window into the street below (this may be an option for you in order to avoid your interminable cleaning detail).

Sunday evening settle down in front of “Call the Midwife a Twat” and feel free to wee and dribble to you heart’s content. This  programme has a similar effect on millions of people across the country as they prepare for another week of toil.

At least you’ve got Monday to clean up Dave, eh?

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Can I Make My Fortune From My Buttocks? Oily George Says Yes!

Oily

I was wondering if there is an opening for a guy like me in your movies. I am 6 feet tall, tanned and my buttocks are pert. I can whistle the back catalogue of the Beatles whilst under water and recently escorted well-known Dolly Bird, Dolores Titwank to the opening of the “Dixy, Trixie, Lixie Southern Fried Chicken Y’all” shop in Harlesden, where I ate chicken nuggets off her ample cleavage.

I have no nipples though.

Any use to you?

Nippleless Nippleby

Oily Replies;

I know Dolores well. Met her through her sister Fellatio Felicity from Faversham. Lovely girl. So giving. Prone to speaking with her mouth full though. Causes a right mess. Little wonder my laundry bill is so high!

Nippy I have absolutely no doubt I could use you. On our books we have all manner of odd balls freaks, kinksters, fetishists, perverts, onanists, duoists, orgiests and various other made up words. So long as you aren’t a Tory blue blood. Got to draw the line somewhere. They always go too far. Not enough to f**k one, two or a small intimate group of like minded individuals, they have to f**k entire communities who never asked for it in the first place.

Oh my a bit of politics people.

My name is Oily George I’m here all week. Or until my bail is paid.

Free The Oily 1!

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Winter Olympics 2014 – What Sports Would You Like To See?

Hello,

GFB has been following the Winter Olympics that are, quite simply Sochi 2014 and our reporter Ginger Sooty, The Glove Puppet Of Dreams, has been reporting on the sports at these Games, that are quite simply Sochi 2014, that haven’t made the headlines. Sports such as Full Contact Yodeling, Octagenarian Testicle Slalom, and Ice Donkey Dangling.

A number of fine individuals have come up with sports they would like to see in future Games.

Mr Guapola suggested;

• Jello wrestling and Pudding wrestling – both preferably in the nude a la ancient Greece.

Mr DJ Gourdoux suggested;

• Men’s “Bithatone” combining cross-country skiing with shopping for a new shirt.
• Women’s “Rice Hockey,” teams attempt to put the puck in a bowl of long grain rice
• “Figuring Skating,”  contestants perform spins, twist and jumps while solving polynomial functions of multiple variables
• Men’s Speed Shaving (this year’s controversial change in the minimum beard length requirement certainly favoured the Russians in his opinion).

Mr Crawshaw has suggested;

• Weight lifting on frozen ponds. Best moist snatch wins
• Bare arsed skiing. One who collects the most snow gets gold and cold
• Icelandic curling. Packet of frozen peas nearest the fish fingers takes it
• Amateur ski jumping. Winner gets to kick the shit out of Eddie ‘The Eagle’
• Downhill bin bags for poor people. Sponsored by David Cameron. No heats
• In line Waterboarding (Sadly cancelled as the Russians claimed the USA win every time)
• Fishing through a hole in the ice (not a competition, just trying to get something decent to eat)

WHAT SPORTS/GAMES/STUPIDITY DO YOU THINK SHOULD FEATURE IN THE GAMES? PRIZES FOR THE BEST SUGGESTION!

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Riding The Toilet Seat Is Not For The Feint Hearted – By Bob On The Pot

Hello,

Enjoying the Winter Olympics? Neither am I.

My lovely wife Shirley is though. Especially the Ice Skating. Last night Shirl and her sister Doreen, each chomping on a giant Toblerone, were watching it on TV.

“Nice arse,” Doreen said as some fella skidded around throwing in a toe loop here and a triple lutz there.

This bloke’s shirt had sequins and feathers stitiched in! Sequins! Feathers!

ON A BLOKE!

I thought Putin didn’t like all this gay carry on.  And here are all these “men” dressed like Liberace toddling around the rink in shiny, plumed apparel. (Now I would pay to see Liberace On Ice! Imagine – old Liber tinkling the ivories on skates as he tried to keep the old hair weave intact. He must have spent a fortune on glue. What a shame he missed out on the Velcro revolution).

“Nice arse,” said Doreen as a lad from Belarus hoved into view. He was wearing eye shadow! EYE SHADOW!

Doreen was becoming aroused. The hairs in her nostrils were twitching.

It was all too much for me small intestine so I visited the smallest room. The seat is a bit loose and wipeage has become a tricky manoeuvre. Fixing it is on my list of things to do. Along with breathing more regularly.

But that was of little concern as the seat slid from under me and I became the first man ever to perform the triple arse loop. As a result I inspected the mouldy toilet carpet. Two months ahead of schedule. At least I can take that off my list of things to do.

“Lard arse,” Doreen said as I returned to my chair. Shirl cackled and sparked up a Benson’s.

I fell asleep and dreamed of Olympic Glory……………

“Faster Lads”

Laters.

Bob

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Dracula And Frankenstein Sprout Ghoulish Moustaches To Honour Movember

Grab your crosses! Douse yerselves in Holy Water! Loosen The Big Lad’s Bolt With Your Handy Go Anywhere Spanner! Those twin titans of evil wrong doing and macabre jiggery pokery,  Count Dracula and Frankenstein are muzzied up to honour Movember.

“I shat my pants when I saw them!” cried retired civil servant, Laslo Goulash who was on his way to the bakers to buy some fish for his cat. Without success. As an insurance policy he went to the bank to buy some fish. Again without success.

Here’s Drac slurpin’ on the neck of a virgin!

 

Here’s Frank being Frank!

Don’t know about you but I will be sleeping with the light on tonight……….

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