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Posts Tagged ‘Russia’

lenin ski jump

Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the Winter Olympics that are, quite simply Sochi 2014.

The Dutch are doing well in the Shpeed Shkating with Art Gorthuis claiming the gold in der men’s 1,000 metersh with a fantashtic dishplay. Enormoush thighsh to a man ash well! 

Canada beat Great Britain in the women’s marbles on ice (they call it curling)  – so we say INVADE!

A couple of sports to look out for.

1. Full Contact Yodeling

Violent, brutal and full of throaty eroticism, the must see sport of these games. All you need to play are a set of Fold mountains, pronounced glacial erosion and the ability to stand atop a peak and yodel incessantly then hurtle down the scree towards your opponent who is hurtling and yodelling in his/her descent from across the valley.

A “Yodel Off” then ensues. In the event of a tie, thigh slapping is used to determine the winner.

Italian Mario Zucchini, a man with vocal chords that could slice cheese, is favourite. We certainly hope so-de-lay-hee-hee.

Ireland’s Paddy McMuff the self-styled “Ululating Ulsterman” may feature.

2. Agoraphobic Biathlon

Test event at this year’s games.

Actually it started ten days ago but no-one has left the changing tent yet.  The sound of knees knocking together dominates.

Yeng Bing Yang of China took a peek out of the tent and this places her in the gold medal position.

putinsooty

Enjoy The Games!

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putinsooty

Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics that are, quite simply Sochi 2014.

Well Folks –  What A Day!

This bloke from somewhere slid faster than another bloke from somewhere and won the sliding along/down/across on frozen water.

Britain’s highlight of the day was watching Tories splutter as their political heartland sank under the floods. As one Gay UKIP wag may have said, “It is God’s curse on us for allowing women bishops!”

We saw this fella in the Ski Jimp and thought. Mmmmm…..Russia……Revolution……bearded Marxist……yes folks……..IT’S LEAPING LENIN!

lenin ski jump

The Great Leap forward!

A couple of sports to look out for.

1. Octogenarian Testicle Slalom –  The stretchy tessies elderly gentlemen possess! The record slalom from a standing point is 17 gates and 23o feet of sac unfurled.

Favourite is 104 year old Kano Sackorollo from Japan who made world headlines this week  after an emergency occurred on board his plane to Sochi. The emergency slides  failed to activate and Kano rolled out his scrotum to allow passengers to glide (after taking their shoes off naturally) to safety.

Expect (non) stiff competition from Spain’s Manuel Cardosa who hires his knackers out as a marquee!

2. The Nuns From The Sound Of Music Lesbian Lover Lust – On Ice!  –  The world’s greatest ice based lesbian team sport makes its debut at the games. Favourites are the Australian team of Bull Dyke bus drivers, but expect a plucky performance by the crack team from Venezuela.

I know I will be glued to the TV as they seek to sort out Maria’s Problem!

Enjoy The Games!

Sooty

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putinsooty

Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the Sochi 2014 Olympics that are, quite simply expensive.

Somebody slid to glory on frozen water today. This appears to be happening a lot.

The Swedes beat GB in the Curling (marbles on ice for the uninitiated) – INVADE THEM!

A couple of sports to look out for.

1. Slippery Slip-on; The sport that requires you to slip slip-ons on pronto on ice! Tricky and exacting, requiring enormous ham and achilles strength. Dextrous use of the shoe horn is also required.

The world record stands at 27 pairs fitted and removed in a minute.

Esteban “The Man With Hooves Instead Of Feet” Cordobes from El Salavador is favourite to take gold. Watching him at race pace is like watching a magician at work, only this magician’s magic wand is the tortoise-shell shoe-horn with “Esteban” written  on it. In Mother of Pearl.

Evangelists think he is the Devil because of his cloven hooves. Expect Canada’s Larry Bertrand to challenge. His mum holds a giant crucifix over him whenever he takes on Esteban.

2. Sado Masochists Biathlon  – The prestigious winter sports event for the S&M fraternity.

10 competitors will be entered for this race (with a variety of implements) and  Dominatrix Pain  and her “Little Bleeder” will whip them into shape round the back passage on this brand spanking new track that cuts through the Taiga of frozen Siberia.

The mild weather has forced organisers to ban gimp masks.

Belgium’s Jean Luc-Squeak will take some beating (as he does most Thursday nights) in this race. Tony Belter from Australia will provide stiff opposition.

The losers will be tied together, castigated and publicly humiliated for several hours at bus stops around Sochi.

Enjoy The Games!

Sooty!

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putinsooty

Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the Sochi 2014 Olympics that are, quite simply Sochi 2014.

PHEW! What a day!

Somebody from somewhere slid down a hill quicker than somebody else from somewhere else to claim gold in the sliding down the hill quickly competition. Made for great TV.

Britain got a medal! Well done Jenny Jones for sliding down the bannister so well!

Also, we saw a German Ski Jumper with the surname Wank! Schoolboy titters all round. Especially as a pulled off a big one! But he didn’t come first. Luckily.

WANK

A couple of sports for you to look out for today.

1. Ice Donkey Dangling – How long can you dangle from a donkey naked in temperatures below 35 degrees celsius? When I tell you the Mohammed Algibber from Egypt can dangle for twenty-three days without food, water or “natural break” you will realise  this sport combines, endurance, pointlessness and chafing in equal measure. His nipples can score glass afterwards.

Team GB’s hopes rest with titchy Welshman Dai Do-Rail.

2.Bladder Blast! –  Drink heartily, step out into the snow and write your name in a drift. Current World Champion is Aleksander Kulimentshiovski. With all those letters…… The sport is not yet open to women due to rows about cone technology.

Enjoy The Games!

Sooty

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putinsooty

Hello everyone, Ginger Sooty here.

Well what a day yesterday – all that sliding, slipping and going around things! 

Anyway there are a couple of sports I think you should look out for today.

1. Ice Spy –  The original Cold War winter sport. A game for all the family especially if you have a leaning towards treason!

2. Chubby Ski Jump – Morbidly obese people strap the skis on and launch themselves down the 90 metre hill, collecting fatty foods on the descent.  Giorgio  Streppto-cocci is defending his title. He said – “I have doubled my weight in six months, not washed my privates or changed my underwear in that time.” He hopes to smash his world record which stands at  17 Scotch Eggs, 2 Chickens and 46 Cheeseburgers finished with a 7 foot leap.

Pack a gas mask. Just to be on the safe side.

Enjoy The Games! Sooty.

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putinsooty

The Winter Olympics are here!

We hope you enjoyed the opening ceremony (we didn’t have a clue either) and enjoy the sports fest that is, quite simply Sochi 2014.

Ginger Sooty will be searching out the heartache, joy, sadness and all the striving that has been striven for in order to achieve the goal of goal achievement. For this is quite simply Sochi 2014.

So Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS over to you………

Hello everyone, Ginger Sooty here. Can’t believe the Sliding Olympics have finally started.  What with al the fuss over Russia’s problems with Gay People (Strange) warning over killer tubes of toothpaste lurking on planes (Stranger) and the absence of Sir Paul McCartney from an opening ceremony (Out-bloody-rageous!) I think we can all agree that it is time to let the sport do the talking.

Here are a couple of events you should look out for today.

1. Formation Whoops-a-daisy – A sport dominated by impish Orientals for decades –  the aged walk in socked feet across a frozen road whilst avoiding a fully refurbished Tiger Tank.   Team GB has a real medal chance in this event, with the return to form of Edna and Ethel Leakage after their drugs ban. Favourites are the impish Korean pairing of Yippee and Yi A.

2. Bobble Gobble Slalom – Always a favourite! trained knitters, augmented by hardcore crocheters. knit, plume and then gobble a bobble against the clock.  Firm favourite for the gold is asthmatic warrior poet Ashtun Pilotriategus from Iran who holds the world Bobble Gobble record of 3 minutes 36 seconds.  Expect a close challenge from the darling of the USA Mary Lou-Roll.

Enjoy The Games! Sooty.

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Backdown! - Putin On The Ritz

Backdown! – Putin On The Ritz

He’s Sochi nice fella!

“Homophobes of the world unite – you have nothing to lose except the argument”.

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Sargent_Stench_Mctavish

Hello,

We Ex-Special Forces have a saying. “If at first you don’t succeed – garrote.”

I am able to adapt to my surroundings through disguise, evasion techniques and a profound knowledge of knitting.

My latest book “Scratchy Eczema, Tangy Onion” is a no holds barred account of my work in Chechnya working for the secret Jazz Hands Jolson Death Squad.

Here is an extract from Chapter 5 “Way Up On The Swanny – I Ripped His Ears Off”.

…………………..I take my hat off to my #2 “Fungus” Thompson. There aren’t many who would have figured that only surefire way of yomping through the Russian Taiga unmolested, was disguised as a Jolson tribute act. Time after time, taciturn lock jawed Ruskies and their misshapen wives would throw off the shackles of perennial Slavic Cyrillic laden doom and apply Jazz Hands! when they saw the JHJDS sashay through the woods.

The journey was tough. With food supplies gone I was forced to fellate a large brown bear just to have a nibble on his berries. Yummy they were too. I made off with the berries (the bear was in a state of erotic high dudgeon) and made a tasty broth from them. To add flavour  I used the chicken stock cubes and herb garland (Tarragon, Rosemary and Bay Leaf) I carry in my Ammo Belt.  Boy, did the lads lap it up!

Finally after days of searching we reached the den of the Evil Lad who had stolen Uranium from the Plinkyplonkastok Nuclear Reactor and was planning to sell it to evil Islamic fundamentalistsalistsalists.

Stench_Sofa

Evil Lad was lounging on his sofa watching a box set of The Wonder Years (whatever happened to Winnie?) cackling evilly to himself as the show spun its flavoursome and wholesome view of 1960’s America. He was eating cake. Sponge cake.

Whilst Gurkha Tenpin Bowling reccied the compound and our misanthropic Sioux Brave, Itchy Scalp performed a rain dance – I inched my way towards Evil Lad.  My undercover eagle eyed training kicked in and I learned one thing.

He was a messy eater. Crumbs everywhere.

I had to think. Fast. On my feet (whilst lying down). My blend-in terrain training kicked in.

I disguised myself as a Victoria Sponge and lay on the table next to Evil Lad’s cake. The plan nearly backfired when, glimpsing the schmaltzy ending of the Wonder Years, a tear fell from my eye into the sponge’s cream filling causing it to split.

jolson 2

Scary

I reconstituted myself, shouted “Mammy!” with a breath so putrid and foul, due to brown bear discharge, the flesh was stripped from his face.

Halitosis – the silent killer. More deadly than sarcasm.

Job done. I pocketed the Wonder Years box set and we set off through the Taiga to make our Chopper rendezvous. We left the Uranium in left luggage at the local train station.

The Station Manager was a Gene Kelly fan. So we killed him.

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Moscow awoke this morning to the sight of St Basil’s Cathedral sporting a ginger moustache in honour of Movember.

“Kick me in the gulags!” cried retired civil servant, Boris Serzhinsky who was on his way to the bakers to buy some fish for his cat. Without success. As an insurance policy he went to the bank to buy some fish. Again without success.

st basils copy

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Hello,

Those of you who read the earlier news story (here!) about Obama and Putin “On The Ritz” settling their differences by balancing a roast chicken on their heads have probably spent the day wondering what has been happening and who won?

putin obama_edited-2

Well, we can reveal that after 16 hours of intense balancing and occasional wobbling, President Obama came out on top! Obviously his well known poise and ability to work calmly under pressure were enough to see off the plucked plucky plutocrat from Moscow.

Chickens off to Barack and I wouldn’t want to be in Snowden’s shoes………..

putin obama3

Finally. Chicken. Has Come. To America

Cluck cluck

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