I am dating Julius Caesar! Reincarnated love for Agnes DuPont

Hello,

Regular readers of my lies will know I recently joined the reincarnee’s dating agency, “Have We’ve Met B4?”  (www.previouslovepreviouslives.com)

I have met a lovely man! Called Lionel.

In his previous life he was  Julius Caesar and was building Hardrian’s Wall.

Today he works in a brick factory and has built a brick wall in his back bedroom. It’s lucky he works in a brick factory isn’t it!

He regularly pours boiling oil over passers by and on Friday crucified a man who was selling flannels door to door.  The Police have had a word with him about this.  As you would expect.

He explained the misunderstanding and bought a couple of flannels as a peace offering.

I’m going round for Tea tonight. Traditional dress.  I’m a bit worried.  My hammer toes aren’t really set off by a sandal. Still hopefully the inflatable Christian I have bought from www.slaughterthereligous.com should keep his mind off my pudgy tootsies.

I am taking a sherry trifle for pudding.

Agnes

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Numbers And How Make Them Add Up – A Self Help Guide From Aunty Bill

Dear AB,

I am helping my girlfriend with her maths homework. We are stuck on 6×3 –
she says it is 247 and I think it is 63.

Which of us is right?

Shane, Sydney, Oz

Shane,

Take the square root of 6. Divide this by the number times you ever see three buses all of the same number and colour on the same route on the same day (this bit is important – they must be the same colour or the equation won’t work).

Sub divide by the number of Pot Noodles you and your girlfriend have eaten in the last week.

Add the two numbers together and subtract the number of times you’ve said the words “One Direction are changing the way we think about popular music in a post modernist society”.

If you’ve followed the above correctly the answer should be 12.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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Jackson Pollock – His Painting Style Revealed!

Jackson Pollock.

A name synonononononomous with Modern Art.

At last GFB can answer the conununununudrum that art lovers have been asking, “How did he do it?”

With A Sausage!

As the picture below reveals, Jacko (to his mates) daubed, dabbed and splatted his way to artistic glory using the humble banger.

Jackson and his sausage working on Number 11

In the upcoming book, “The Art of Sausage – Meat and Mayhem,” author Lester Mould reveals that Jackson experimented with Frankfurters, Bratwursts and Chorizo before settling on the good old Irish Banger for his applications.

“Jackson discovered the Irish Banger had a greater flicking distance, dribbling capacity and splatter power than more porous American sausages of the time. Just imagine if he hadn’t developed the Sausage techniques he may have continued in his quest to find the perfect way to apply paint using cauliflowers.  Lucky for us he did!”

Cauliflower Art never really took off. Sadly.

 

 

 

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Ginger Mysticism – With The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now.

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk in my hometown of Devizes. I also deliver eggs, orange juice, potatoes, bread (wholemeal mostly but the occasional white sliced) and yoghurt.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. Hairy knees will be this year’s must have accessory amongst the Hollywood glitterati.

2. Vladimir Putin’s testicles will douse a giant forest fire in Siberia.

3. Terry Wogan’s wig to be granted World Heritage Status by UNESCO.

4. Princess Kate to have her first baby and call the girl George.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Deirdre in Stockton,

It’s behind the flour tin.

Aranja in Pamplona

The loose floorboard under the stairs.

Malisarno in Palermo

You will find the answer on the blind woman’s mole

 

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny. Until next time……….I’ll keep me pints a rattlin’ for ye!

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Shakespeare and Justin Bieber – Sausages Unite These Genuises!

One is the greatest wordsmith ever to embellish the English language. The other is William Shakespeare.

Not only do they both come from Canada but their brilliance is based upon sporting sausages upon their bonces.

Blimey! Who’d have thought –

“Alas poor Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Ooooooooohhhhhh Baby etc etc…….”

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Arts Scene With Terry Cotter The Potter

My name is Terry Cotter. I’m a potter.

I have been potterising for nearly two decades now. I stock a wide range of ceramic goods in my shop The Potter’s Reel, down here in Lower Swell. The shop is named after my potter’s wheel which goes round and round. Like a reel.

Here are some reviews from the world they call “Art”.

1. Sculpture

Venus De Milo – It is armless enough.

2. Movies

The King and I – The slap head from The Magnificent 7 tries to get hold of Deborah Kerr after learning the lingo. Goes on a bit.

3. Music

Nirvana – Nevermind –I was into Grudge in my teens –  Mum told me off for not tucking my shirt in.  Then New Kids On The Block came into my life….. Goes on a bit.

4. Literature

Graham Greene – Our  Man In Havana – The importance of vacuum cleaners as a nuclear deterrent.

5. Theatre

Romeo and Juliet – He loves her and she loves him. The families don’t get on. The vicar is a drug dealer. They die. Doth goeth oneth for a biteth.

Village News

A protest will take place outside the village hall tomorrow during the lactose intolerance group session. Intolerance cannot be tolerated in any form.

Til The Next Time

Keep That Wheel Turning!

TCTP

 

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Should My Boyfriend Be Ironing His Scrotum? – Oily George Answers!

Hello Oily,

My boyfriend has taken to ironing his scrotum.

Luckily this is after he’s finished his smalls. Apart from singeing around the pubic area and agonised cries of pain, are there any health issues to consider?

I must say a smooth, crease free sac is a turn on!

Debbie, Nazeing

Oily Replies;

Debs,

Any health issues? Woman are you insane?

Those once crunchy nuts will be flat as a pancake. Is that what you want….cos that’s what will ‘appen! He should do what I do, hang them out on the clothes line to dry naturally.

Admittedly the weather where I am in Sham City is much more conducive to open air drying. Plus people here are used to seeing others “bits” hanging out left, right and centre although admittedly they don’t usually look as battered bruised swollen and misshapen as mine.

The current tender state of said bits is due to a recent Neighbourhood Watch meeting I attended. I appear to have got the wrong end of somebody’s stick. I was told in no uncertain terms that you cannot pick and choose the neighbour you wish to watch. Voyeurism is not on the menu. In that case count me out.

Oily

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The Op Was A Disaster And Now I Am Part Sheep! – Help Me Aunty Bill!

Hello Aunty

I recently had a new leg sewn on. Unfortunately the surgeon had been on the ale for several days and sewed a leg of lamb on by mistake. Whilst this caused initial embarrassment my boyfriend said not to worry as his head is made of cauliflower and his elbows are made of roast potatoes.

He said he always fancied roasting me and the leg of lamb just seems to spur him on.

Should I be worried?

Baaarbaaara, Sheppey

Dear Baaarbaaara;

I wouldn’t be too worried, this is early days and after allowing the leg to knit fully, a bit of lop sided walking should be possible with the aid of a shepherds crook for support.

Ewe should be aware that in less developed countries where prosthetics are in their infancy, animal/vegetable substitutes have been used for many years to replace missing or deformed body parts. In the Ewe K it’s still a relatively new form of surgery and considerably cheaper than going for the real thing.

Whilst out and about you’ll attract attention and the odd barbed comment but a quick word from the cauliflower kid and dig in the ribs from his Maris Pipers should avoid any unpleasant incidents.

You may be interested in reading the story of the Kathmandu Ken, the blind postman, who had the head of a domestic cat transplanted on to his shoulders after attending the vet instead of the local hospital (an easy mistake to make if you can’t see). His inspiring stories of being able to see in the dark, chase mice for food, sleep for 18 hours a day and clean his own arse make for truly inspiring reading.

Just keep the mint sauce under lock & key as you don’t want to be a midnight feast for your root cropped beau.

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My Spouse Is Floating Around My House! – Ahoy Aunty Bill!

Aunty Bill

With all the rain we’ve been having, I’ve been putting the Wife to work fetching and carrying logs from the bottom of the garden. She’s equipped for the inclement weather; sturdy pair of Crocs; plus fours and a rather fetching Tri-corn hat.

However last night after a heavy downpour, she is now marooned, bobbing about on the back lawn. I am scared of water and the cat can’t swim.

How do I proceed? The fire’s nearly out and its getting a bit parky in here.

Driftwood Dave

Cheam

Aunty Bill replies;

Dave

I assume your Wife can’t swim as she would have tried to reach dry land by now. Ensure the wood is kept above head height. If she passes the house, see if she can throw some of the smaller logs to you to keep the fire going. 

Best bet is to see which way the wind is blowing and hope she’ll either wash up on the neighbour’s fence or she is blown towards the house where you can retrieve the logs from her and wait for the waters to subside.

Scout round the kitchen to see if there is anything for her to eat whilst in the water. If you have apples these have the advantage of being able to float. She can store them on the corners of her hat.

Tins float well BUT tin openers DON’T so this may be a no no. If you throw her a tin, make sure you don’t hit her on the head.

Hard boiled eggs are a goer as is Spam (sliced not tinned). But first check out if Cheam has a shark problem – sharks can smell Spam from a distance of over one mile away.

Sing to her from an upstairs window;  “Message in a Bottle” maybe, the theme from the Titanic would go down well (excuse the pun) – maybe  even “Yellow Submarine”!

Aunty Bill

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Sand – The Silent Killer? Aunty Bill Answers

Aunty,

Is it true that 86% of all accidents in the home are caused by the Sand mismanagement?

Del, Daventry

Aunty Bill Replies;

Del,

Sand mismanagement does indeed account for a substantial A&E admissions for a variety of reasons;

A bag of hot sand in the bed instead of a hot water bottle – bag too heavy for the bed – bed collapses and falls through ceiling killing both occupant of bed and other household member(s) downstairs – 12 recorded examples in the UK.

Using sand to clear blockage of toilet – causes back surge of water which under extreme pressure causes water to travel back up soil pipe at over 120 mph causing structural damage to both toilet and user –  in extreme cases an unwelcome and painful dose of IBS can result – 2 recorded examples in the UK.

Using sand to prop up wonky furniture – sand actually destabilizes the item being propped up.  In the case of a piano or large bookshelf this can fall, causing severe injury/death/a good laugh for all your mates – 6 recorded examples in the UK.

These are just a few of the common mistakes people make when using sand around the home.

I’m sending you a copy of my leaflet “Sand – the grainy, light coloured silent killer in the home”.

Be careful out there!

Aunty B

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