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Posts Tagged ‘Scotland’

shakespeare copyBecks_ginger

Hello,

As Shakespeare wrote, “Tis, Twas, Aforesaid herewith are we not yet more than but could we be? Advance yonder light and rest upon my girded goatee.” Couldn’t have put it better myself.

Here are some new sports to look out for in 2015!

1. Rolf – Use clubs to smack a hefty, big boned Viking around a muddy field for a bit (Imagine Game of Thrones meets Crazy Golf.)

2. Incessance – A woman in her 60’s sits next to you on a bus and talks utter shite until your ears bleed and your stools turn black with impotent rage.  A sport that combines endurance, pointlessness and constipation in equal measure.

3. Nonogenarian Bollock Drop and Roll Ball – You will be aghast at the stretchy sack elderly gentlemen possess.

4. Bacon Pocket Throw a slice of bacon into a team mate’s pocket from 100 feet. The Javelin meets Lacrosse using cured meats. The Spanish variant is known as Chip my Chorizo (“Chippo meo Chorizo” in the native tongue.)

5. Udder Pool – Arrange your prize milker over the green baize and use the powerful milk stream to pot the balls! Also known as Bull Pull but this version is for the strong of wrist and fleet of foot!!

R Kate - What A Day!

Come On Kate!

 

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Prince Randy Andy’s reputation was given another kicking today when his unfaithful, adulterous, toe-suckee former wife Sarah “Fergie” Ferguson spoke up for the Duke of Golf.

No Suprises There!

Fergie and Andy In Happier Times

She spoke to reporters Monday in Verbier in the Swiss Alps, “The York family is a tight unit. We’ve always been a tight unit.He is the greatest man there is. It was the finest moment of my life in 1986 when I married him. He is a great man, the best in the world.”

Fergie divorced “the best man in the world” many many years ago.

Fergie also told a pal, “Jeez the things I have to say to keep the moolah rolling in from him and to keep my name in with the Yanks. He’s the intelligence of an egg whisk. Squeezing boils was more fun than listening to him prattle on about his sand game. The Twat.”

kate_baby_beard

Fragrant and Hirsute – The Perfect Combo

Prince Charles has asked Prince William to chivvy along her Royal Fragrance and loveliness Our Kate and squeeze out the second sprog.

Lord Sidney Itch, Purveyor to the Royal Rash, told Gfb’s Daphne Kerplunk, “Chuck’s going fucking bonkers on this one. He reckons if Kate can give birth, preferably at the live final of Britain’s Got Talent in a few weeks time , it will take the pressure of Randy Andy and not threaten Chuck’s chances of getting his greasy little mitts on Mama’s orb and sceptre.”

charles chinstrap copy

Worried

 

 

 

 

 

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QE2

Buckingham Palace today issued a statement telling us that Her Royal Queeness is upset over allegations surrounding Prince Randy Andy and his nonce mates.

Lord Edward Sneer, Keeper of the Royal Spittoon told Gfb’s newshound, Daphne Kerplunk, “It is all a tissue of lies about Randy Andy. It has to be. The man is a complete bellend. He has as much intelligence as a damp flannel.”

Prince Charles came out in support of his younger brother by insisting that Andrew’s “enormous” appetite for  heroin and cocaine made it highly unlikely that his interests extended “in that direction.”

charles chinstrap copy

“Even his favourite nag likes a bag of ganja now and again!” Chirped Charlie.

seahorse1 copy

Randy’s Horse – Roach

He then garbled, “One must understand that one’s talking to plants and one’s bogies constitutes all the qualifications one requires to be Monarch. Hurry up and pop thine clogs Mama,” before hopping over a fence to resume a conversation with a neighbour’s herbaceous border.

fence2charlessausage

 

 

 

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Here To Help – Here To Care

Pond Love

Help Aunty Bill!

I am in love with my neighbour’s goldfish pond. It is on two levels and has a nice water feature in the centre (a fountain of Elvis doing the splits). I asked my neighbour if I could take the pond out for a fish supper. He slammed the door in my face and last night firebombed my shed.

How can I get him to see that I really love his pond?

Dai, Rhonnda

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hi Dai,

Just when you think everything’s been covered, up you pop!

Water Feature love isn’t as unusual as you might think. A cousin of mine once had a torrid affair with a friend’s garden sprinkler. Only at night though. There was a hose pipe ban at the time,

I’m not surprised you’ve fallen for your neighbour’s water feature.

Demonstrate your love for this pond by embarking on an extensive cleaning, fish feeding and water filtration procedures. A few weeks of intensive pond maintenance should show that your intentions are honourable.

If this fails, then seek revenge for your shed. You will need the following :

A 12″ gauge shot gun

1 gallon of petrol

1 bucket of bleach

Some gloves

I leave the rest to you – you know what you have to do.

TTFN

Aunty Bill

 

 

 

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Hello

I was round Aunt Bab’s this morning adjusting her new Stenna chairlift. She was very grateful, although medically speaking there is nothing wrong with her unless being bone idle is now recognised as a medical condition.

The lift does set her new wallpaper off a treat though.

I had the inaugural journey, as I needed the smallest room. Got stuck on the landing and had to walk the rest of the way. Not exactly Neil Armstrong – can’t have everything in life.

I had a go at that Sudokio in The Sun whilst on the pot. All Those Numbers! In Boxes. Up. Down. Across. Did My Head In. Numbers are bollocks. End of.

So I rolled up the paper and swatted a fly who was banging its head against the frosted window pane.

Bit like me with the Sodokio.

I walked down the stairs.

The lads in the Dubious Pilchard were impressed when I told them of my new fitness regime. Given up crisps too. On Sundays at least.

Rio’s only round the corner after all……

Be lucky.

Bob

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I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now.

I haven’t been very well. Didn’t see that coming.

Without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. November 8th 2014 – A man with large knees but low self-esteem will swim The Atlantic. Non Stop. Underwater. He will be venerated by all and held up as a role model for today’s feckless youth.

2. May 24 2015 –  Scotland votes for independence from the UK.

3. December 25 2015 – Lance Armstrong will marry his crack pipe in a small, family only affair in Las Vegas.

“MESSAGES FROM THE OTHER SIDE……”

Mary, Banbury;

You left the tin of peas on the bus

Alexi, Minsk;

You’ll find the pencil in the bread bin

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Agreed!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

I am now returning the Milk Bottle of Mystery to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

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new oily

Oily,

When I look at a photo of you I think of one word. Sexy Beast. More importantly what are your views on whether Scotland should become an independent McNation.

 Jock McJock, Jocktown

McOily Replies;

Hoots Mon!

This talk of Scottish independence reminds me of a true story about Sean Connery. True in the sense that I am making it up as I go along. In 1971 Sean, George Best, Warren Beatty and I were at an 8 day Miss World Sexathon in Monte Carlo.

It was a sort of All You Can Eat buffet. And boy did we dine.

Sean told me he had very strong views on Scottish Independence, “Och aye laddie the noo. I get strongly criticised for no livin’ in shiteholes like Galashiels, but I’m fiercely patriotic. Sure I think they should build up that big wall an keep thon buggers oot. I love haggis n fried mars bar me. I have a sporran too. And bagpipes. I just prefer chasin’ skirt aroond the world likesay ya ken ya f**kin  ****. Now wheres thon Miss Thailand?”

Yes, I too worried how he morphed into Begbie from Trainspotting before my very eyes. But such was the hedonism of those days!

Scotland still has a lot of oil. Nice………….

 McOily

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