Tony Blair Calls On The USA To Bomb Scotland

Narcissistic loon Tony Blair has called upon President Obama to bomb Glasgow as he is convinced the Islamic State has gained a foothold in the land of the Kilted.

As he told GFB,

“I was with the Chairs of RBS, Barclays, BP and Halliburton explaining how to create the conditions for peace via slaughter, when I was handed a dossier entitled “Al-Alex Salmond Plans to introduce Deep Fried Islam to Scotland.” It’s all true because the dossier came in a nice plastic folder and had some pictures in it. One showed the Glasgow Rangers ground with a bloke with a beard sitting in one of the seats. What more proof do you need?”

Is He An Islamist?

So, I called me old muckers Bill Clinton and George W to see if the Yanks could strike and y’know what? They never returned my call! Me! After all I’ve done for America!

Didn’t bother with Obama – never liked fellas who are rational.

But mark my words – Scotland will be the next Islamist bolthole.”

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Bombing Iraq – I Thought We Had Won! – By Bob On The Pot

I had the morning off waiting for Curry’s to deliver the new flat screen TV. It’s got surround sound, radar, sonar and a missile launching system. Naturally they didn’t turn up.

The curly Kale diet was working its magic and I was on the pot reading The Sun.

The Yanks are going to start bombing Iraq again because although we “won” and “left a vibrant, pluralistic, democratic state” behind, it has all gone a bit tits up and some Angry Lads who think they are indestructible want to set up a Caliphate (whatever that is – thought it was a camping stove) – and suppress everything that lives there – even the wind if it blows too hastily.

Now a load of Ancient Christians are stuck up an Iraqi mountain (like Moses when he nipped up one to get a few do’s and dont’s – the one about not killing is always good for a laugh) – the Angry Lads want to kill them because their version of the same God is different – largely in choice of headwear it seems to me.

Then there’s the Israeli’s – same God – different head-gear again – slaughtering the innocents and creating more Angry Lads in the process.

Jesus was up a mountain – told us to be good – talk about stating the obvious! Then he was slaughtered – on a mountain.

Fuck it – going down the Stretched Testicle for a few pints.

At least me bowels are moving with aplomb.

But what is it with religion and mountains?

Go tell it my son!

I blame Buddhists. Bastards to a man.

Bob

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Tony Blair Wants To Bomb His Local Indian Restaurant After Dodgy Chicken Tikka Masala

 

Narcissistic loon Tony Blair has called for his local Curry House to be bombed after the Chicken Tikka Masala he’d ordered turned out to be “Dodgy”.

As he told GFB,

“I was with the Chairs of Goldman Sachs, EXXON and Halliburton outlining my plans for peace in the Middle East by bombing the shite out of the place.  Only bombing will bring about the long-lasting peace we in the West deserve. Mass slaughter will open their eyes to my genius.

The curry turns up and the chicken was a ropey.  The owners are Bengali and Muslim – after all I have done for Muslims!  So I got on the blower to the RAF to order them to launch a few Sidewinders into the “Passage To India”.

“They told to me to “Fuck Off You Nutter!”

Me! Tony!

So, I called me old muckers Bill Clinton and George W to see if the Yanks could strike and y’know what? They never returned my call! Me! After all I’ve done for America!

There’s always Vladimir – he’s a chum now – especially as I am considering being a peace envoy for Ukraine – worth a few bob that gig.

As I said 10 years ago. History will be my judge. For without me there would be no peace in Iraq today. Does anybody know where a good curry house is though?”

“Cos We’re Worth It!”

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Cheese Kill! – Stench McBain – A One Man War Gone Rogue

Hello,

As ex-special forces I know about adapting to my surroundings through disguise and aromatherapy.

My account of life as a Jihadist in Syria called, “But Syriaously” was published this week. Here is an extract from Chapter 5, ” Cheese Waits For No Man.”

“Over 120 in the shade. The Lethal Force Action Group were struggling. Prickle Heat had laid Al-Fungus Thompson out and I could see that Al-Jellytits O’Loon was beginning to wilt.

Food supplies were running low, forcing us to suck each others toes for fluid. Thompson’s bunions were off putting at first, but when you are desperate……….

……………………………..Finally, after days of searching we came across the ammo dump. Here sat the Druze Militia Warlord and his evil henchmen,  fiddling with Rubik’s cubes whilst discussing the relative merits of sheep, goat or cow’s cheese. Preparations were being made for a Fondue party. I love Fondue.

I could smell cheese. A ripe, cheesy odour that reminded me of home – cheese on toast for tea on Sundays. In less hostile times I would have told these evil WARLORDS OF DEATH how a splash of Worcester Sauce really complements cheese on toast. Sadly this was not the case. I was here to destroy the ground to air rockets my country had sold to them. In the name of peace.

From my ammo belt I broke out my emergency cheese supply and popped a lump onto my head. I inched my way toward the group.   The Big Lad stirring the Fondue saw me,  he was 6 foot tall and 6 foot wide with the hams of a god.

I had to think. Fast. On my feet. My field training helped.

“Aaaahhhh CHEESE!” I shouted and smiled.

“Sim Salabim! CHEEEEEEEESE!” he replied. I took the cheese off my head and motioned towards the fondue bowl.

“Sim Salabim! Dunk your cheese Offendi!”

I dunked my cheesy knob for a few moments before whipping it out and pasting it up the nostrils of the Big Lad.

“Aiieeeeeeee!” he cried – I managed to get my cheesy knob down his throat. Al-Jellytits O-Loon burst through the doors and made those evil henchmen eat lead.

We made off with the fondue set and had a wonderful night. It would have been nice to have some fruit to go with our cheese platter. There is something mystical about eating cheese and a selection of stoned fruits under the stars.

 

 

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Syria – Still No Agreement – Preparations For Strikes Begin

How Would You Characterise Your Leaders Folks?

Hello,

Presidents Obama and Putin are  still at loggerheads over the need to lob a few missiles into Syria to tell off naughty President Assad and his mates for using chemical weapons.

The benefits of chucking a few missiles into Syria hasn’t been explained yet. But because there is no reason not to lob a few bombs at a dictator tucked away in his bunker and in all probability no longer in command of anything; FUCK IT! LAUNCH!

No doubt a few more innocent Syrians will die but, but Hey Ho! house prices are on the rise!

A CLEAR MESSAGE HAS BEEN SENT! WE HAVE ACTED!

The Stealth Sausage Bombers are primed and the Inter Continental Ballistic Sausages armed and locations fixed;

.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister David Cameron, miffed at being unable to understand why Parliament did not vote to keep us up America’s back passage and so threatening his post Prime Ministerial career of the global lecture circuit and directorships of Multi-Nationals a la Tony Blair, has got the right hump with President “Putin” On The Rich for dismissing the UK as a small island everyone ignores.

  

                 Peace Envoy My Arse

“What a bounder! He’s cost me a fortune,” The PM was heard saying as he queued for tea and sausage rolls at St Petersburg Bus Station, “Two words that’ll show we are still a Great nation – Morris Dancing!” And with a Hey Nonny Nonny, Nonny Hey Hey, David and the chaps pranced their way down St Petersburg High Street doing the famous “Cornish Toe Tap Tickle” and the strangely evocative  “Blackie Bladder Bounce”. So put that in yer pipe and smoke it you Russian slap headed Bastard!

What a load of Bollox!

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Ginger Beauty – With Oily George!

Oily,

Where do you stand on the ongoing civil strife in Syria?

President Assad, Damascus

Assad Me Old Mucker!

I stand astride Astrid, legs akimbo. Thrusting forward my unfeasibly large and hairy pouch. Magnificent. Erect. Disturbed. The Oily Essence.

10 minutes of this particular yoga position keeps me supple and ready for the day ahead.

That is completely irrelevant to your question but sometimes when I look at myself in a full double width mirror I just can’t help but admire me and feel a need to share.

As for the Syrians? They are a testy lot aren’t they. Time of the month I’ll wager . Camomile tea, some wacky baccy and a damn good sh*g and they’d all be right as rain.

 Oily

Want more advice from Oily? Read More Here!

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