I Ate The Roof So My Mum Sold Me To The Milkman! Help Aunty Bill!

Here To Help – Here To Care

The Milk Of Human Kindness

Aunty Bill,

My mum sold me to the milkman in order to buy a shoe horn the other week.

Do you think she is trying to tell me something? I weigh 87 stone and recently ate our roof by mistake. It made a healthy alternative to cheese in a sandwich.

Yvonne, Winchester

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Yvonne

The shoehorn is merely a metaphor for shoe horning you out of the door and out of her life (although at 87 stone she’s got a job on her hands and will need a bigger horn or lots of smaller ones).

At least she sold you to a milkman.

Milkmen (and women) have over the years demonstrated a deep affection for fat people. Before the days of the milkfloat, they could be seen across Britain pulling the wagon while milkmen jumped on and off delivering the nation’s favourite drink.

Hopefully he will put you to work and you’ll see the pounds fall away and be in a position to replace the roof over you dear old mum’s head which you so thoughtlessly ate.

Chink! Chink!

AB

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The Future’s For Foretellin’ Folks – By The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now.

I haven’t been very well. Didn’t see that coming.

Without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. November 8th 2014 – A man with large knees but low self-esteem will swim The Atlantic. Non Stop. Underwater. He will be venerated by all and held up as a role model for today’s feckless youth.

2. May 24 2015 –  Scotland votes for independence from the UK.

3. December 25 2015 – Lance Armstrong will marry his crack pipe in a small, family only affair in Las Vegas.

“MESSAGES FROM THE OTHER SIDE……”

Mary, Banbury;

You left the tin of peas on the bus

Alexi, Minsk;

You’ll find the pencil in the bread bin

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Agreed!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

I am now returning the Milk Bottle of Mystery to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

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Almanac – Your Futures Foretold – By The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now. Previous predictions can be read here. and here

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk – in bottles.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. June 2012 –  Germany will win the World Cup.

2. March 2015– A joint Transformers and X-Men movie will be released under the title “Transformen – Robots With Sideburns – Rise of the Pygmies”. The film will be shown in VD.

3. December 25 2014 – A cauliflower will be proclaimed King of England much to the chagrin of Prince Charles. King Cauli will prove to be a wise and benevolent leader. The House of Brassica will rule England for the next 3,000 years.

Miffed

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Michelle, Arizona;

Look in the biscuit tin.

Macy, Munich;

Feel your varicose veins for the answer to your conundrum!

Liang Bo in Shanghai;

Right a bit, now left a bit – THERE!

Antoinette, Enschede;

Find the man with the name Alfonse on his name tag. Fortune awaits when you do!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

I am now returning the Milk Bottle of Mystery to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

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Ginger Mysticism – With The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now.

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk in my hometown of Devizes. I also deliver eggs, orange juice, potatoes, bread (wholemeal mostly but the occasional white sliced) and yoghurt.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. Hairy knees will be this year’s must have accessory amongst the Hollywood glitterati.

2. Vladimir Putin’s testicles will douse a giant forest fire in Siberia.

3. Terry Wogan’s wig to be granted World Heritage Status by UNESCO.

4. Princess Kate to have her first baby and call the girl George.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Deirdre in Stockton,

It’s behind the flour tin.

Aranja in Pamplona

The loose floorboard under the stairs.

Malisarno in Palermo

You will find the answer on the blind woman’s mole

 

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny. Until next time……….I’ll keep me pints a rattlin’ for ye!

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Barry Belcher – The Mystic Milkman’s Predictions For 2014

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I predict predictions, with various degrees of accuracy. Previous predictions can be read here. and here

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk, eggs, orange juice, potatoes, bread (wholemeal mostly but the occasional white sliced) and yoghurt.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. December 2012 – Like The Mayans I believe the world will end on 21st December 2012.

2. 2014 – Feet will be bigger in 2014 by an average of 7.54% per toe.

3. July 2014 –   Nelson Mandela will finally depart the earth for a better place.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Elaine, Walthamstow

The cat ate it.

Barbara, Adelaide

Mum kept the receipt in case you didn’t like the blouse.

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Bo Bing thinks velcro fasteners would be a safer bet for you.

Andre, Biarritz

Pierre says not to worry about the faulty wiring in the toaster. It was a mistake anybody could make and he doesn’t blame you.

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

Read Full Post »

The Future’s For Foretellin’ Folks – By The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now. Previous predictions can be read here. and here

I haven’t been very well. Didn’t see that coming.

Without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. November 8th 2014 – A man with large knees but low self-esteem will swim The Atlantic. Non Stop. Underwater. He will be venerated by all and held up as a role model for today’s feckless youth.

2. May 24 2015 –  A Gloucester Old Spot Pig will change the way we view gravy forever by introducing Diet Coke into the recipe.

3. December 25 2015 – Lance Armstrong will marry his crack pipe in a small, family only affair in Las Vegas.

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Mary, Banbury;

You left the tin of peas on the bus

Alexi, Minsk;

You’ll find the pencil in the bread bin

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Agreed!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

I am now returning the Milk Bottle of Mystery to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

Read Full Post »

Ginger Mysticism – The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now. Previous predictions can be read here. and here

I am up with the Lark. I cut my own hair.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. November 18th 2013 –  A short man from Nepal with a nervous tic and four breasts will claim to be the New Messiah.

2. February 16 1805 – Napoleon Bonaparte wakes up and sings  “Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz.”

3. March 2017 – Wind (in anyone of its many guises – the signals are weak I’m afraid) will end the career of singer Taylor Swift

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Bill, Nazeing;

You left it on the table in the pub – from Tanline Barry

Lucy, Dublin;

Never wear velcro shoes, you look cheap in them – from Aunt Elsie

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Not there! There! – Your mother!

Rob, Belfast

Never fry eggs poach them – Alejandro Acapulco

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

I am now returning the Milk Bottle of Mystery to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

Read Full Post »

Ginger Mysticism – With The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with various degrees of accuracy for a number of years now. Previous predictions can be read here. and here

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk, eggs, orange juice, potatoes, bread (wholemeal mostly but the occasional white sliced) and yoghurt.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. December 2012 – Like The Mayans I believe the world will end on 21st December 2012.

2. Harvest Time 2013 – The polyester shell suit will feature heavily in armed uprisings in the Middle East.

3. January 2012- The Rolling Stones will buy up all stocks of old rope and sell it as a box set.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Elaine, Walthamstow

The cat ate it.

Barbara, Adelaide

Mum kept the receipt in case you didn’t like the blouse.

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Bo Bing thinks velcro fasteners would be a safer bet for you.

Andre, Biarritz

Pierre says not to worry about the faulty wiring in the toaster. It was a mistake anybody could make and he doesn’t blame you.

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

Read Full Post »

Ginger Mysticism – The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with various degrees of accuracy for a number of years now.  Previous predictions can be read here.

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk, eggs, orange juice, potatoes, bread (wholemeal mostly but the occasional white sliced) and yoghurt. I like yoghurt. Do you?

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. March 2015 – Agatha Christie will emerge from a Chrysalis which is attached to a large Rubber Plant in a Doctor’s surgery in Swindon to publish 35 more Poirot novels.

2. December 2012 – A man with hairy knees will emerge as a threat to world peace. Possible Frenchie.  The signals are weak at the moment.

3. April 2016 –  The Queen will choke to death on a Scotch Egg in a Harvester in Billericay, whilst watching the final of Dancing Ice Ninnies. Luckily The Pope will be on hand to offer last rites, which may cause a bit of a problem in the after life.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Mandros, Cyprus,

It’s under the oven.

Hanif in Karachi

Imran wants you to know that New Kids On The Block are better than N’Sync.

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Bo Bing thinks you left the bedroom light on.

Shirley in Chippenham

Sidney wants to let you know that he is fine and doesn’t blame you for leaving the fish bones in.

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

Read Full Post »

Ginger Mysticism – With The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with various degrees of accuracy for a number of years now.

I am Up with the Lark, delivering milk in my hometown of Devizes. I also deliver eggs, orange juice, potatoes, bread (wholemeal mostly but the occasional white sliced) and yoghurt.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. A giant squid will be proclaimed King of England in early December.

2. Sanity will be revealed to be a waste of time in November.

3. Something major involving cheese will happen in the New Year.

4. Prince Harry will get his todger out. Again.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Deirdre in Stockton,

It’s behind the flour tin.

Aranja in Pamplona

Pablo wants to remind you that his mother is allergic to cream. Like he was. But you forgot that didn’t you.

Malisarno in Palermo

Did you leave the back door open?

Pete in Epsom

Nan says wear a vest or you will catch your death.

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

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