I’m Ugly And Have No Talent – Can I Be A Film Star Oily George?

Oily,

The drama teacher says my acting career will never amount to more than a hill o’ beans. Despite not knowing what that means, I’m assuming it ain’t positive as she always gets the class to laugh at me whilst I’m taking my turn on stage.

I have done all the classes and got top marks like, but my protruding tooth, flaming ginger hair and the mole sitting on the end of my nose are a hindrance. Any tips?

Bob, Over There

Oily Replies

Hi Bob,

A sad story, but there is inspiration out there. My fellow Oscar winning actor Ron Jeremy is no oil painting as you seen from his role in genteel Sunday night period dramas, Go Down on Abbey and Rockford’s Piles.

With his pot belly, webbed toes and dubious taste in sandals, Ron is no Ryan Gosling, yet pneumatic, breathy, stiletto wearing, badly dubbed girls the world over have loved him dearly. Frequently. All at once. Sometimes involving implements to!

So there is hope

Oily

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Ginger Mysticism – With The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now.

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk in my hometown of Devizes. I also deliver eggs, orange juice, potatoes, bread (wholemeal mostly but the occasional white sliced) and yoghurt.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. Hairy knees will be this year’s must have accessory amongst the Hollywood glitterati.

2. Vladimir Putin’s testicles will douse a giant forest fire in Siberia.

3. Terry Wogan’s wig to be granted World Heritage Status by UNESCO.

4. Princess Kate to have her first baby and call the girl George.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Deirdre in Stockton,

It’s behind the flour tin.

Aranja in Pamplona

The loose floorboard under the stairs.

Malisarno in Palermo

You will find the answer on the blind woman’s mole

 

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny. Until next time……….I’ll keep me pints a rattlin’ for ye!

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