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Posts Tagged ‘Show Business’

“Kiamn vi atingas perfektecon ĉiutagan kiel mi far, estas bone ..i havi defiojn. Pasintjare mi neniu estas antan la celo de faranta perfekta fromaĝo sur tost. mi atingita ĉi tiu celo. Mi lek miaj antaŭbrakoj ĉiutaga al rememorig min kiel mirinda mi estas. Fromaĝo Esperanto? Senĝena por mi!”

Translation;

(*“When you achieve perfection everyday as I do, it is good to have challenges. Last year I set myself the target of making perfect cheese on toast. I achieved this aim. If I can grill cheese then I can certainly teach the world to speak the same language. By Thursday tea time at the latest. Cheese to Esperanto? Not a problem for me!”)

Simon Cowell made the moon and created meat. Strangers suck his forearms.

He now wants the world to speak Esperanto.

rythmnsimon

The following is a sneak extract from the new series of Heaven’s Got Talent In Esperanto. Simon is judging God’s plate spinning act,

“Dio, la malfacileco mi havas kun via ago estas tio, ke mi ne povas vid granda mendado de telero spinners nunmomente. Certa, vi povas akiri koncerton sur Meditteranean kroz aŭ du sed sur nacia televido? mi hav miaj duboj. Mi vere kredi ke vi havas aĵon pri vi kvankam Dio. Mi havas okulon por ĉi tiuj aferoj! Mia konsilo al vi estas tio, ke mi vid vin pli kiel giganta koko prefere ol telero spinner. Don ĝi iuj penso, reven pli malfrue en la montr kaj RAV ni!”

Dio respond, “Vi estas tre saĝa Sro Cowell,” (Cowell kapjesoj en mecenateco) “Sed eĉ vi ne povus ĉefinstiginton Novajn Infanojn Sur la Bloka reveno, ni agnosku, ke, eĉ mi ne povus estas farita tio. Tamen, mi estos revenigi kiel koko! Susan Boyle estas seksalloga! seksalloga!”

Cowell “dir-is, ke mi estas ĝoj vi hav vid sento Dio.”

Translation;

Cowell, “God, the difficulty I have with your act is that I can’t see a great demand for plate spinners at the moment. Sure, you may get a gig on a Mediterranean cruise or two but national television? I have my doubts. I genuinely believe that you have something about you though God. I have an eye for these things. My advice to you is that I see you more as a giant chicken rather than a plate spinner. Give it some thought, come back later in the show and WOW us!”

God; “You are so wise Mr Cowell,” (Cowell nods in munificence) “But even you could not mastermind New Kids On The Block’s comeback, let’s face it, even I could not have done that. However, I shall return as a chicken! Susan Boyle is sexy!sexy!”

Cowell; “I am glad you have seen sense God.”

Saluton!

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The new series satarts tonight.

The excitement is making grown men constipated.

bonneville sausage

“You want me to say what?”

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Britain’s top Boy Band, No Direction, have revealed to Gfb’s Showbusiness Editor, Matt Finish that their new single  “We love you Jock. Och Aye The Noo We Do” The Thatcher Remix – will be released @ 7 am on Friday morning to celebrate the no vote in the Scottish Referendum.

The Single, a homage to all things Scottish also features on the B side the lively rap “Oi Salmond! Up yer bum with yer Referendum!”

The band hope to capitalise on the success of their last single, “Please Forgive Me Mr Murdoch” which featured the singing talents of long dead Larry Grayson!

George “Ozzie” Osbourne, said “We are really excited about this single. It’s really ballsy. Not like Ed Balls though. I hate him. He smells. And he doesn’t have servants! Just off to flog my fag.”

Simon Cowell said, “I am constipated with excitement about this single.”

He Is

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As the new series of the X Factor starts on TV tonight, we were able to snap Simon warming up with his balls in his new passion,  Rhythmic Gymnastics.

Great control Big Fella!

rythmnsimon

“It’s all about the wrist”

Simon’s new show, “Celebrity Drowning” a reality format combining Gymnastics, Dance, Cooking and Holding Your Breath Underwater is gonna be huge!!!!!!

Yes folks – the man has balls!

Fellow judge Louis Whatshisname showed off his beam skills.

the beam1louis copy

“Hello Ronan – I have an idea – Beamzone!”

Whilst new judge Foghorn Spice still has some way to go……..

scary spice

“Fook me this is fookin ‘ard”

 

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Hello!

“All the world’s a fence.”

Like doubts, we all have them or know someone who has them. Fences that is.

What does your Fence say about you?  Secondary Picket? Loosely Hinged? A Godfather? Weak Footings?

Who knows? Who cares! 

This month sees Peter Capaldi fill the boots of the Time Lord and begetter of utterly incomprehensible, contrived and convoluted plots – Doctor Who!

The BBC allowed Gfb’s Sci-Fi correspondent, Cedric Must-Get-Outmore, access to the Set and he managed to take this snap of The Doctor fighting new baddies The Creosoters.

 

docwho3 copy

My fence is Ronsealed!

Last time Benedict Cumberbatch shared his Closed Border Fence with us. Looks like he and the Doc share a passion for the CBF!

 

cumberbnatch 2

Boo Bono!

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Hello Oily

Which do you think is more likely to make a comeback as a hairstyle for men, the perm or the mullet?

I like Jon Bon Jovi’s locks – they are teased, tousled and perfectly match his cock rock power rock ballads about being a dead or alive cowboy on a steel horse whilst keeping the dream alive and our love will never die cos we were meant to be together and holding on together ‘cos he rides a steel cowboy often in the rain.

Bet his hair never gets wet though.

Toby, Moray

Oily Replies,

Toby,

I go for the sleek and sensual Silver Fox look. Easily maintained and always stays in position even when I have my ‘watersports’ weekends with the Compton Fetishist Society here in Crazy City.

Yes, my sexual proclivities are not bound by class creed or colour. Or species, if you believe the tittle tattle written in the Catholic Herald this week. But I deny those charges vehemently.

Was simply a misunderstanding.

Woof Woof.

You really know the lyrics of Bon Jovi don’t you. Well done and have a biscuit.

I love Twisted Sister – the relation not the band.

Regards, Oily

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Ginger troubadour, Ed Sheeran was interviewed again by Gfb about music, Taylor Swift,  his pet sausage Dennis and his passion for coach holidays.

edsheeran

46 year old Ed, whose new single “I Managed To Rope Pharrell In” is released, soon told Gfb’s Mandy Trifle, “The collaboration with Pharrell came about because we both wear hats! I like beanies that smell a bit in the rain, not the fancy pants ones that Vivienne Westwood designs for him. When Dennis, my pet sausage also pointed out that we were both black and Ginger, it seemed silly not to do a duet.”

Ed 27, also explained how he came to collaborate with beanpole pop superstar Taylor “Hammers Of Justice” Swift. Their duet, “I Managed To Rope Taylor In” topped the charts.

“Dennis pointed out that the since both Taylor and I are white, women and been on a date with Harry Styles from No Direction. It seemed silly not to do a duet. It went to #1 in 46 countries including Belgebourg, a place that doesn’t even exist!”

Redhead Ed, 33 told us that he is knackered and needs a holiday. “My beanie needs a wash. So I’ve booked a coach trip around the Lake District for me and Dennis to watch sheepdog trials. I like sheep. Do you? Baa Baa.”

Come By Lad!

 

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Hello,

My name is Terry Cotter. I’m a potter.

I have been potterising for over 20 years and stock a wide range of ceramic goods in my shop The Potter’s Reel, down here in Lower Swell. The shop is named after my potter’s wheel which goes round and round. Like a reel.

I was singing the Roberta Flack classic the other day “Kiln Me Softly” – we like a joke now and again us potters!

Here are some reviews of some of my favourite bits from the world they call “Art”.

1. Painting

Le Moulin de la Galette a Montmartre – One of Renoir’s best – lots of people in it and a chair is clearly visible too.

2. Movies

The Sound Of Music – Nun looks after kids – everyone warbles away. Clothes are made from curtains.  Goes on a bit.

3. Music

Lady Gaga – Bad Romance –  Gaga ooh la la  – then chorus – then Gaga ohh la la etc etc. As deep as a kipper. Goes on a bit.

4. Literature

Wuthering Heights – The Bronte classic – She loves him. He loves her. She marries someone else. He leaves. He comes back with a few bob in his pocket. Kate Bush whinnied about it. Goes on a bit.

Village News

The Easter Bonnet prize went to Mr Ellington’s BMW. Lovely bit of buffing. The car is parked on his drive for everyone to nip round and have a butchers. Please don’t touch as you will smudge the finish.

‘Til next time – The Wheel Keeps On Turning!

TCTP

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Oily,

The drama teacher says my acting career will never amount to more than a hill o’ beans. Despite not knowing what that means, I’m assuming it ain’t positive as she always gets the class to laugh at me whilst I’m taking my turn on stage.

I have done all the classes and got top marks like, but my protruding tooth, flaming ginger hair and the mole sitting on the end of my nose are a hindrance. Any tips?

Bob, Over There

Oily Replies

Hi Bob,

A sad story, but there is inspiration out there. My fellow Oscar winning actor Ron Jeremy is no oil painting as you seen from his role in genteel Sunday night period dramas, Go Down on Abbey and Rockford’s Piles.

With his pot belly, webbed toes and dubious taste in sandals, Ron is no Ryan Gosling, yet pneumatic, breathy, stiletto wearing, badly dubbed girls the world over have loved him dearly. Frequently. All at once. Sometimes involving implements to!

So there is hope

Oily

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Heads Up

Dear Oily

My man left me for another woman. I have an amazing figure but sadly lack a head at the moment. Would you like to go out with me? Have you got a spare head you can send me?

Penelope, Bridport

Oily Replies,

Penny you need to stop looking at the negatives. Everyone has their cross to bear. Look at the following list of well known X Factor celebrities. All are/were missing something:

Admiral Nelson – Arm and eye

Van Gogh – Ear

David Beckham – Brain

Kelly Osborne – Talent

Simon Cowell – Conscience

Stephen Hawking – Various

Hitler – Testicle

Greyfriars Bobbie – An Owner

And yet they are/were all superstars in their own right overcoming all sorts of disadvantages in the process. So take heart, look ahead (oops sorry). Get out there and party. Live life to the max. As my friend the actress Lena Hedley (oops sorry) says -Hedonism rocks. (oops sorry).

Oily

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