Crossword Conundrum – Help Me Oily George!

 

Ello Hoily,

Can you help? I am doing a crossword and I am stuck on 6 across.

The clue is “Things we chew our food with located in our mouths.” It has 5 letters and so far I have TE_TH – I am stumped. Any ideas?

Slow Dave, Hull

Dave,

The word I’m thinking of is tongue. It may not fit the crossword but I find it can fit just about anywhere else. Once you discover this fact for yourself your crossword will be totally redundant. Enjoy.

Oily

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Sarah Ferguson Speaks Up For Prince Andrew – Will Kate Accelerate Pregnancy?

Prince Randy Andy’s reputation was given another kicking today when his unfaithful, adulterous, toe-suckee former wife Sarah “Fergie” Ferguson spoke up for the Duke of Golf.

Fergie and Andy In Happier Times

She spoke to reporters Monday in Verbier in the Swiss Alps, “The York family is a tight unit. We’ve always been a tight unit.He is the greatest man there is. It was the finest moment of my life in 1986 when I married him. He is a great man, the best in the world.”

Fergie divorced “the best man in the world” many many years ago.

Fergie also told a pal, “Jeez the things I have to say to keep the moolah rolling in from him and to keep my name in with the Yanks. He’s the intelligence of an egg whisk. Squeezing boils was more fun than listening to him prattle on about his sand game. The Twat.”

Fragrant and Hirsute – The Perfect Combo

Prince Charles has asked Prince William to chivvy along her Royal Fragrance and loveliness Our Kate and squeeze out the second sprog.

Lord Sidney Itch, Purveyor to the Royal Rash, told Gfb’s Daphne Kerplunk, “Chuck’s going fucking bonkers on this one. He reckons if Kate can give birth, preferably at the live final of Britain’s Got Talent in a few weeks time , it will take the pressure of Randy Andy and not threaten Chuck’s chances of getting his greasy little mitts on Mama’s orb and sceptre.”

Worried

 

 

 

 

 

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The Queen’s Hurt About “Randy Andy” Speculation

Buckingham Palace today issued a statement telling us that Her Royal Queeness is upset over allegations surrounding Prince Randy Andy and his nonce mates.

Lord Edward Sneer, Keeper of the Royal Spittoon told Gfb’s newshound, Daphne Kerplunk, “It is all a tissue of lies about Randy Andy. It has to be. The man is a complete bellend. He has as much intelligence as a damp flannel.”

Prince Charles came out in support of his younger brother by insisting that Andrew’s “enormous” appetite for  heroin and cocaine made it highly unlikely that his interests extended “in that direction.”

“Even his favourite nag likes a bag of ganja now and again!” Chirped Charlie.

Randy’s Horse – Roach

He then garbled, “One must understand that one’s talking to plants and one’s bogies constitutes all the qualifications one requires to be Monarch. Hurry up and pop thine clogs Mama,” before hopping over a fence to resume a conversation with a neighbour’s herbaceous border.

 

 

 

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The Brazilian – Where Do You Stand?- Oily George Gives His Views

Hello Oily

Pubic hair topiary is all the rage this year in North Devon. What is your view on “The Brazilian”? Sambatastic or are you a bush guy.

Aged Elsie, Bideford

Oily Replies;

Elsie,

I spent a summer on Copacabana a few years ago and filmed the real Brazil in my documentary ‘City of Thongs’. (Did you know that Queen Victoria wore an early prototype, a kind of hair shirt for the arse – which historians claim explains her permanent miserable gurn).

Armed with such fascinating historical facts I wandered the beach interviewing, oiled up thong clad  ass shaking women. The results were…..well, exhausting.

The question I ask society at large in this wonderful piece of “Deep Throat” journalism is a simple one: is the thong all it’s cracked up to be?

Oh and by the way Elsie, I found your false teeth. Not sure how they got clamped there without me noticing overnight. Let’s stay off the rum in future!

Oily

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Arts World – Terry Cotter The Potter

Hello,

My name is Terry Cotter. I’m a potter.

I have been potterising for over 20 years and stock a wide range of ceramic goods in my shop The Potter’s Reel, down here in Lower Swell. The shop is named after my potter’s wheel which goes round and round. Like a reel. Some Art reviews….

1. Painting

The Lady of Shalott – Waterhouse’s Pre-Raphaelite painting of a woman in a canoe without a paddle.  She can’t have got very far! In fact she was probably up Sh*t creek. Wonder what happened to the Post-Raphaelites?

2. Movies

Braveheart  – Mel Gibson daubed in woad dons a dress and says, “Wee Jock McTavish, Och Aye The Noo, Bagpipes, Shortbread, Haggis, Cobber” and other terms of Jockery – shouts “FREEEEDUUUUM!” then has his innards removed by a bloke in a cap – Goes on a wee bit.

3. Music

Led Zeppelin 2 – Hobbit Lovin’ Cock Rockers Love Muscle Removal Van? Sounds good to me – lots of songs about having their lemons being squeezed – must have been Pancake day when they recorded it – Goes on a bit.

4. Literature

War Horse – Michael Morpurgo’s moving novel about a horse that goes to war. Goes on a bit.

5.Pottery

Protogeometric Style of Ancient Greece

My favourite period of Greek Pottery – it represents the return of craft production after the collapse of the Mycenaean Palace culture and is one of the few modes of artistic expression of this era known to us. By 1050 BC life in the Greek peninsula became sufficiently settled to allow a marked improvement in the production of earthenware. The style is confined to the rendering of circles, triangles, wavy lines and arcs, but placed with evident consideration and notable dexterity, probably aided by compass’ and multiple brush.

I’m going on a bit aren’t I…..and yes, I looked this up on Wikipedia.

Village News

The Village shop’s the new frozen foods section will be opened by Brad and Angelina on Saturday. Angelina has had, “Your daily shopping needs at your local Spar” tattooed on her left shoulder.

‘Til next time – The Wheel Keeps On Turning!

TCTP

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I Have A Face Like Hitler’s Good Testicle – Can I Find Love Aunty Bill?

Aunty Bill

My girl Denise left me for another man.

She texted to say, “I want to be with Jason. He looks great in tan slip-ons and doesn’t possess a face that looks like Hitler’s good bollock. Can I have my Pink album back as well?”

How can I win her back?

Les, Norwich

Aunty Bill Replies;

Les,

It sounds like Denise is gone.  If you follow my advice there is a chance you can still win her back. Invest in a decent pair of comfortable and fashionable shoes (Sling backs or ballet pumps are in at the moment).

Customise them by sprinkling the heels with Hundreds and Thousands.  This will make you really stand out from the crowd! She will certainly know you mean business and Jason will have to raise his slip-on style to compete with you.

There’s a chance that people will throw something at you, but turn the other cheek (the one that doesn’t look like Hitler’s good bollock).

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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My First Born Is A Penguin! Help Me Aunty Bill

 

Dear Aunty Bill

I recently became a Father for the first time. Is it normal for your first born to be a Penguin?

Dense Des,

Des Moines, Boing Boing, Idaho, USA

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Des,

One of the side effects of global warming is the migration of animals from their natural habitats.

Recent cases have included a women from Sale who gave birth to a whale, a young lass from Ware who gave birth to a Hare and a lady in red who gave birth to a bed.

You’ll be asking yourself;  “How did my wife meet a penguin?”

It is likely that in its long migration from colder climes, little Pingu got lost, swam up your soil stack and bit your wife on the bottom as she was performing her daily ablutions.

This is how Penguins procreate and it is likely that he mistook your wife’s rear end for a mate.

Penguins make a great addition to any family. Their staple diet is sardines on toast so they are cheap and easy to feed. Just make sure that the bath water is not too hot when you put him to bed.

Bottle feed rather than breast.

All The Best

Aunty Bill

 

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Vampire Afraid Of The Dark? – Oily George To The Rescue

Oily,

I am afraid of the dark. As a Vampire this causes issues regarding my work-life balance.

I’ve lost my torch.

Vlad, Bucharest

Oily Replies;

Vlad, I once shot a camp vamp romp in Voslovovitrichbitchstitchvitch.

Early 90’s. Wonderful part of the world. The rolling mountains like a fair maiden’s heaving bosoms. Except with goats on them.

The women were very hairy and manly. May well have been men now I think about it. The alleyway was dark, the local brew strong.

As she tenderly growled she picked me up and threw me over her shoulder assuring me that Igor was a girl’s name in that part of the world. And who was I to argue. Especially with two broken ribs.

As the song goes “Fang Heaven for little girls……..”

Oily

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Mary Berry In Great British Jerk Off Shocker!

Fans of hit TV show, The Great British Bake Off were delighted to hear that Baking Guru, Mary “The Beast” Berry has set a new age category record for the Snatch in weightlifting.

Mary lifted 7 tons in Glasgow last night, whilst sporting one of her “absolutely scrummy” chocolate tier cakes. Asked about the secret behind her great strength, Mary smiled sweetly and replied, “I use massive amounts of steroids in my baking. My snatch is an absolute picture as a result but I do have to shave my chest occasionally!”

Not to be outdone co-host and self-styled Bad Boy of British Baking, Paul “Product” Hollywood also jerked himself to glory with a lift of 8.5 tons in Abergavenny last Tuesday, whilst balancing a pork pie on his head.

“I’ve nothing left to proof,” Hollywood said.

All that effort led to a soggy bottom I’m afraid

 

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My Ice Bucket Challenge – Bob On The Pot

Hello,

The Ice Bucket challenge has become a global phenomenononon.

Dipso Dave did it in the Recalcitrant Peacock on Saturday night and then spent the night in hospital. Nothing to do with the bucket of ice water. Teach him to leer at my lovely wife Shirley.

Any road up, as Saturday night’s Bhuna began its journey to the Sewage plant I wondered how this Ice Bucket Challenge would develop.

As the match flickered and snuffed out the final whiff of my ordure, the idea came to me.

Checking that there was no floating debris, I donned a pair of googles and a snorkel.  I told Shirley bring the camera to record my efforts. I placed my head in the bowl.

On my command she flushed. With gusto. Time and again. Remarkable wrist strength.

My head became firmly wedged in the bowl necessitating the Kent Fire Brigade to attend our home to (as the report said) “extricate from the upstairs toilet, a fat bloke wearing goggles and a snorkel who had managed to get his head stuck in the bowl .”

Thank God for the snorkel or I could have come to a sticky end.

Just watch Bowl Dunking catch on! Plays havoc with your ballcock though.

I nominate Justin Bieber, The Islamic State and Katie Hopkins.

Go on it is for Charridee after all.

 

 

 

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