I am dating Julius Caesar! Reincarnated love for Agnes DuPont

Hello,

Regular readers of my lies will know I recently joined the reincarnee’s dating agency, “Have We’ve Met B4?”  (www.previouslovepreviouslives.com)

I have met a lovely man! Called Lionel.

In his previous life he was  Julius Caesar and was building Hardrian’s Wall.

Today he works in a brick factory and has built a brick wall in his back bedroom. It’s lucky he works in a brick factory isn’t it!

He regularly pours boiling oil over passers by and on Friday crucified a man who was selling flannels door to door.  The Police have had a word with him about this.  As you would expect.

He explained the misunderstanding and bought a couple of flannels as a peace offering.

I’m going round for Tea tonight. Traditional dress.  I’m a bit worried.  My hammer toes aren’t really set off by a sandal. Still hopefully the inflatable Christian I have bought from www.slaughterthereligous.com should keep his mind off my pudgy tootsies.

I am taking a sherry trifle for pudding.

Agnes

Read Full Post »

DIY Tips On Painting – With Tommy Tapper

Tommy Tapper, “Bodger To The Stars” provides insights into DIY.

If it can be fixed he won’t be able to do it

His manual, “Let’s Not Worry The Taxman On This Job “ is an acknowledged masterclass in the no-nonsense, no worries, no skill approach to DIY.

Here are some of his trade secrets for Painting.

1. What is the primary purpose of Painting? To express a quiet and ongoing admiration for Magnolia.

2. What is Paint made off? Painty stuff.

3. How is Paint applied? Usually poorly – in a word – slapdash.

4. Normal Paint problems? Being collared by a Jehovah’s Witness whilst painting your front door – offer a life saving blood transfusion for one of their kids at some indeterminate time in the future. They will be off quicker than saying, “We are in the area and wondered if you would be interested in…….”

5. How lazy married men use Painting to their advantage? Just say, “It’ll only take 10 minutes to slap it on.” You will be spared any further involvement – guaranteed  

 Things to consider before you Paint;

i) You cannot paint using a hammer – use a paint brush, roller or the Afro sported by your neighbour’s son in tribute to Blaxploitation movies – ask him first though.

ii) The wobbliness of the step-ladder you bought from B and Q, “‘cos it was going cheap,” but was only used as a climbing frame by mice during the great rodent infestation of ’94.

iii) Because of ii) The journey time to your local Accident and Emergency unit.

iv) Licking the skirting board does not constitute a rub down.

iv) Do not drink paint however attractive the pastel shades are to your mind’s eye – if you do see iii) above.

vi) Enjoy the phrase “Dado Rail” before haphazardly applying Gloss.

vii) Think of songs that could have the word Emulsion included in the title.
Tommy – The Happy Slapper

 

Read Full Post »

Can I Find Closure For My Broken Heart Aunty Bill?

Aunty Bill,

Last night my partner told me he had fallen in love with the back door. This morning I awoke to find my partner gone and just a draught where the back door used to be.

There was a note on the table, presumably written by the back door as my partner is illiterate. The note said, “One day you will find closure.”

Not only am I heartbroken I am freezing. How do I win them back?

Meredith, Ottawa

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Meredith,

You don’t state in your letter whether the door was UPVC or standard wooden half Georgian wired glass.

At this troubled time you probably wonder why I am asking what type of door it was, but in the days ahead, when a window of clarity appears you will have to think about a replacement door and depending on the type that ran off with your (ex) partner this will dictate what type of frame, lock and extra security you require.

I always recommend a standard 5 lever bolt lock (ISO234567) is fitted where the door is UPVC, although for a wooden door an Ingeroll Chubb and separate mortice should suffice. Be sure to allow for the stress factor on wooden doors and if in doubt fix an extra hinge to allow for any slippage.

Experience dictates that men who run off with doors seldom return. At this point I could make a cheap jibe about knockers. But won’t.

Aunty Bill

Read Full Post »

DIY Tips With Tommy Tapper – #3 Shelves

Tommy Tapper, “Bodger To The Stars” provides insights into DIY.

If it can be fixed he won’t be able to do it

His manual, “Don’t Forget To Turn The Gas Off “ is an acknowledged masterclass in the no-nonsense, no worries, no skill approach to DIY.

Here are some of his trade secrets for Shelves.

1. What is the primary purpose of a Shelf? For shy people to be left on.

2. Where are Shelves located? On walls. At the end of Continents.

3. What are they made of?  Stiff things.

4. Normal Shelf problems? Wonkiness.

5. Things to consider before you fix a Shelf;

i) If you can’t fix it by hitting it with your hammer, you maybe facing a more sizeable problem.

ii) The journey time to your local Accident and Emergency unit.

iii) Have a spirit level handy to check for wonkiness. Never drink the liquid in a spirit level. It is not a spirit. If you do – see ii) above.

iv) Give silent praise to the inventor of the Rawlplug.

5. Little known facts about the Shelf

i) A photograph of a shelf is called a shelfie.

ii) Shelvery was an Olympic sport until 1928.

 

Read Full Post »

DIY Tips With Tommy Tapper – #2 Boilers

Tommy Tapper, “Plumber To The Stars” provides a valuable introduction to DIY.

If it can be fixed he won’t be able to do it

His manual, “I Bodge Therefore I am,” is an acknowledged masterclass in the no-nonsense, no worries, no skill approach to DIY.

Here are some of his trade secrets for Boilers.

1. What is the primary purpose of a boiler? To breakdown.

2. Where are boilers located? In a very inaccessible spot in your home.

3. What are they made of?  Normally stiff metally stuff.  A few pipes pop out. These allow you to play a boiler as a wind instrument in a mildly comedic fashion.

4. Normal boiler problems?  They stop working.

5. Things to consider before you fix a boiler;

i) If you can’t fix it by hitting it with your hammer, you maybe facing a more sizeable problem.

ii) The journey time to your local Accident and Emergency unit.

iii) Use a naked flame to check for a gas leak. Much the quickest way and so much better than all this politically correct, health and safety, Muslims eat our babies do gooding stuffed constantly rammed down our throats by the EU.

iv) Your adjustable spanner is comfortable with change.

v) That it is the boiler you are fixing.

5. Little known fact about the Boiler

The domestic boiler was invented in 1874 by Derek Central-Heating. Fancy that!

“Gingerfightback – The Blog That Cares. Really Cares”

Read Full Post »

DIY Tips With Tommy Tapper – #1 The Roof

Hello

During a recent focus group, it was pointed out that GFB should offer practical tips on everyday life.

One person said, “I’d love some DIY advice. Not the stuff they put on TV about bonding agents or one man and a theodolite, but practical solutions to holes, gaps and loose things.”

So, we have brought in the expertise of DIY expert Tommy Tapper, the only man to feature on the BBC’s, Rogue Traders;Cowboy Builders; Conman On Your Doorstep and Loose Footings.

Tommy Tapper – If It Can Be Fixed He Won’t Be Able to Do It

 

Tommy’s DIY manual, “Tell the old girl you’re from the Gas Board and then nick her life savings,” is an acknowledged masterclass in the no-nonsense, no worries, no skill approach to DIY.

Here are some of his trade secrets for The Roof.

1. Where is it located? Normally on top of the building. If it is anywhere else, say the garden, you maybe facing a more sizeable problem.

2. What is it made of? Normally stiff stuff. Hopefully not cheese or sponge cake. If this is the case, you maybe facing a more sizeable problem.

3. Normal Roof problems?  Slates with low self-esteem; felt with unrealistic expectations. Holes. (Problems with flashing should be reported to your local police).

4. Things to check before you fix a roof problem;

i) If you can’t fix it by hitting it with your hammer, you maybe facing a more sizeable problem.

ii) The journey time to your local Accident and Emergency unit.

iii) That your sandwiches, if made of cheese, can be stored in your helmet and are accompanied by a tangy pickle.

iv) Your ladder has rungs and is not just two poles with a dream.

v) That it is the roof you are fixing.

5. Little known fact about the Roof

The plural of roof is roofs. The plural of hoof is hooves. Why?

We hope you can now tackle your roof problems with a tad more confidence.

“Gingerfightback – The Blog That Cares. Really Cares”

Read Full Post »

Riding The Toilet Seat Is Not For The Feint Hearted – By Bob On The Pot

Hello,

Enjoying the Winter Olympics? Neither am I.

My lovely wife Shirley is though. Especially the Ice Skating. Last night Shirl and her sister Doreen, each chomping on a giant Toblerone, were watching it on TV.

“Nice arse,” Doreen said as some fella skidded around throwing in a toe loop here and a triple lutz there.

This bloke’s shirt had sequins and feathers stitiched in! Sequins! Feathers!

ON A BLOKE!

I thought Putin didn’t like all this gay carry on.  And here are all these “men” dressed like Liberace toddling around the rink in shiny, plumed apparel. (Now I would pay to see Liberace On Ice! Imagine – old Liber tinkling the ivories on skates as he tried to keep the old hair weave intact. He must have spent a fortune on glue. What a shame he missed out on the Velcro revolution).

“Nice arse,” said Doreen as a lad from Belarus hoved into view. He was wearing eye shadow! EYE SHADOW!

Doreen was becoming aroused. The hairs in her nostrils were twitching.

It was all too much for me small intestine so I visited the smallest room. The seat is a bit loose and wipeage has become a tricky manoeuvre. Fixing it is on my list of things to do. Along with breathing more regularly.

But that was of little concern as the seat slid from under me and I became the first man ever to perform the triple arse loop. As a result I inspected the mouldy toilet carpet. Two months ahead of schedule. At least I can take that off my list of things to do.

“Lard arse,” Doreen said as I returned to my chair. Shirl cackled and sparked up a Benson’s.

I fell asleep and dreamed of Olympic Glory……………

“Faster Lads”

Laters.

Bob

Read Full Post »

Penis Varnishing Is Not For The Feint Hearted Says Oily George!

Hello Oily

I recently saw you at the French Polishers having your tan topped up. I must say I was impressed with the lengths you go to perma tan yourself and may I say your buttocks are an exemplar for a man of your age. My question is would you ever varnish your penis? And if so what lacquer treatment would you recommend?

Stiff Ben, Wendover

Oily Replies;

Hey Stiffie!

Good to hear from you, its been a while. One of Hefner’s party’s if I recall? Was the hospital able to remove the gerbil?

Having a right beast of a penis I enjoy polishing it alot. Sometimes I apply the polish myself though I am a great believer in the old adage ‘many hands make light work; especially when you have an unfeasibly large one’.

I tend to apply to my appendage whatever is lying about the house though this has proved painful in the past when not wearing my reading glasses. There are household cleaning fluids most definitely not meant for application to one’s extremities. But hey ho no pain no gain as dear old Granny Oily used to say.

Oily

Read Full Post »

Sand – The Silent Killer? Aunty Bill Answers

Aunty,

Is it true that 86% of all accidents in the home are caused by the Sand mismanagement?

Del, Daventry

Aunty Bill Replies;

Del,

Sand mismanagement does indeed account for a substantial A&E admissions for a variety of reasons;

A bag of hot sand in the bed instead of a hot water bottle – bag too heavy for the bed – bed collapses and falls through ceiling killing both occupant of bed and other household member(s) downstairs – 12 recorded examples in the UK.

Using sand to clear blockage of toilet – causes back surge of water which under extreme pressure causes water to travel back up soil pipe at over 120 mph causing structural damage to both toilet and user –  in extreme cases an unwelcome and painful dose of IBS can result – 2 recorded examples in the UK.

Using sand to prop up wonky furniture – sand actually destabilizes the item being propped up.  In the case of a piano or large bookshelf this can fall, causing severe injury/death/a good laugh for all your mates – 6 recorded examples in the UK.

These are just a few of the common mistakes people make when using sand around the home.

I’m sending you a copy of my leaflet “Sand – the grainy, light coloured silent killer in the home”.

Be careful out there!

Aunty B

Read Full Post »

Astrology? It Didn’t Predict This! – By Bob On The Pot

I was round Mum’s yesterday afternoon to put some new batteries in her TV remote control. I’m a dab hand at DIY you see.

After trying for twenty minutes to get the cover off,  I told Mum that this was a bigger job than appeared. I needed to ponder my strategy whilst completing a movement.

On the pot I read my horoscope in the paper. With Venus in the ascendant and Neptune on a bender (or some such, I’ve never really understood Gastrology to be honest).

The horoscope told me to; “Be wary of undertaking complex tasks but prepare for a romantic encounter.”

That knocked the battery change on the head.

After I’d eaten the bacon rolls Mum had made, I nipped home to watch the film my mate Pete the Slip had given me down The Reclusive Monkey on Saturday.

Shirley had gone to the Bingo so I had a couple of hours to kill before she got home to cook my tea. Lovemeat Sandwich had some very good camera work. And the script was very challenging.

Shirley came home early after being chucked out of the Bingo for glassing the caller. She found me in a compromising position on the leather cornerpiece. She didn’t believe me when I told her that I was just airing my rash.

I had to cook my own fish fingers for tea.

Horoscopes. Spooky. End of.

Be Lucky

Bob

Read Full Post »