I am dating Julius Caesar! Reincarnated love for Agnes DuPont

Hello,

Regular readers of my lies will know I recently joined the reincarnee’s dating agency, “Have We’ve Met B4?”  (www.previouslovepreviouslives.com)

I have met a lovely man! Called Lionel.

In his previous life he was  Julius Caesar and was building Hardrian’s Wall.

Today he works in a brick factory and has built a brick wall in his back bedroom. It’s lucky he works in a brick factory isn’t it!

He regularly pours boiling oil over passers by and on Friday crucified a man who was selling flannels door to door.  The Police have had a word with him about this.  As you would expect.

He explained the misunderstanding and bought a couple of flannels as a peace offering.

I’m going round for Tea tonight. Traditional dress.  I’m a bit worried.  My hammer toes aren’t really set off by a sandal. Still hopefully the inflatable Christian I have bought from www.slaughterthereligous.com should keep his mind off my pudgy tootsies.

I am taking a sherry trifle for pudding.

Agnes

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Should My Boyfriend Be Ironing His Scrotum? – Oily George Answers!

Hello Oily,

My boyfriend has taken to ironing his scrotum.

Luckily this is after he’s finished his smalls. Apart from singeing around the pubic area and agonised cries of pain, are there any health issues to consider?

I must say a smooth, crease free sac is a turn on!

Debbie, Nazeing

Oily Replies;

Debs,

Any health issues? Woman are you insane?

Those once crunchy nuts will be flat as a pancake. Is that what you want….cos that’s what will ‘appen! He should do what I do, hang them out on the clothes line to dry naturally.

Admittedly the weather where I am in Sham City is much more conducive to open air drying. Plus people here are used to seeing others “bits” hanging out left, right and centre although admittedly they don’t usually look as battered bruised swollen and misshapen as mine.

The current tender state of said bits is due to a recent Neighbourhood Watch meeting I attended. I appear to have got the wrong end of somebody’s stick. I was told in no uncertain terms that you cannot pick and choose the neighbour you wish to watch. Voyeurism is not on the menu. In that case count me out.

Oily

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The Previous Lives Of Agnes Dupont

Hello People,

It’s been a while. This is because I have been busy having lots of lovely dates on the Reincarnee’s Dating Agency, Have We’ve Met B4? (www.previouslovepreviouslives.com)

Joachim from Hannover, turned out to have been a Eunuch in the Caliph of Baghdad’s Court (nice man but a little underpowered) and Claudio was an ancient Mayan human sacrifice and was loath to meet in public as a result of his night terrors.

I had higher hopes for Henry, who was previously a Norse warrior with a penchant for raw fish and discovering new lands in the frozen north. We’ve even had a weekend away together. In Northumberland. Sadly he burned down the local church, wenched and boozed with abandon and then stole a pedillo and headed east for Jutland, only to be picked up by the Royal Navy as he launched an all out assault on an Oil Rig. Foolhardy I’d call him but he has a larrikin’s charm if nothing else.

He’s coming round for a meal tonight actually. Roast pork with all the trimmings and trifle for afters. His sort always like trifle.

Tatty bye

Agnes

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Ginger Beauty – With Oily George

Hello Oily,

Recently I started courting a man who was made of cornflakes. He was recently released from prison after serving 20 years for murder. Is it ok to go out with a cereal killer?

Kelly, Nebraska

Oily Replies;

Hi Kell,

Only if he has crunchy nuts. Danger is that due to the popularity of said nuts whilst in the prison these past 20 years he might have lost his snap crackle and pop. You might find that unless you have hands like hams, an adams apple and 5 O’clock shadow you are no longer the type to stir his porridge. Give him a good grilling – mixed if possible – to find out where you stand.

Oily

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Ginger Beauty – With Oily George!

Heads Up

Dear Oily

My man left me for another woman. I have an amazing figure but sadly lack a head at the moment. Would you like to go out with me? Have you got a spare head you can send me?

Penelope, Bridport

Oily Replies,

Penny you need to stop looking at the negatives. Everyone has their cross to bare. Look at the following list of well known X Factor celebrities. All are/were missing something:

Admiral Nelson – Arm and eye

Van Gogh – Ear

David Beckham – Brain

Kelly Osborne – Talent

Simon Cowell – Conscience

Stephen Hawking – Various

Hitler – Testicle

Greyfriars Bobbie – An Owner

And yet they are/were all superstars in their own right overcoming all sorts of disadvantages in the process. One of my musical heroes Ian ‘Mac’ McCullough of Echo and The Bunnymen had a song called ‘Heads Will Roll’ ( oops sorry). The lyrics – if he were to change them completely – go like this:

“I’m the greatest singer there’s ever been

Doncha know wor I mean

Yeah sure baby I ain’t got no spleen

But calm down our kid I ain’t no has been”

So take heart, look ahead (oops sorry). Get out there and party. Live life to the max. As my friend the actress Lena Hedley (oops sorry) says -Hedonism rocks. (oops sorry).

Oily

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Ginger Heartache With Aunty Bill

Aunty Bill

A Teste Jilting

Aunty Bill

I have just been dumped by my girlfriend for another man. I thought she was the one. All I got was a text. It said “I’m off with Jason. He has his own shoes and doesn’t have a face that looks like Hitler’s good bollock. Can I have my Pink album back as well?”

How can I win her back?

Les, Norwich

Aunty Bill Replies;

Les,

Sorry to hear of your woes although it sounds like this girl is gone for good although if you follow my advice there is a slim chance you can still win her back. Invest in a decent pair of comfortable and fashionable shoes (Shoe Zone have a great “Buy one get a pair free” offer on at the moment).

Stamp your own individuality on them by customising them. How about sprinkling the heels with Hundreds and Thousands? This will make you really stand out from the crowd! She will certainly know you mean business and poor Jason will have to raise his game in the footwear stakes to compete with you.

There’s a small chance that people may laugh at you in the street and on the odd occasion throw something at you, but turn the other cheek (the one that doesn’t look like Hitler’s good bollock), you’ll have the last laugh.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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Ginger Beauty – With Oily George

Hello Oily

I am unsure about what underwear I should wear on my first date with the girl of my dreams. I have hankered after her for years!

I am thinking of taking her to the local abattoir for a night out as I am fond of a spot of butchery. Then grab some sausage and chips from the Burger Van on the A38 just outside Padstow before back to my place for some slap and tickle. My brother has leant me his old bottle of Denim aftershave as he reckons women found this irresistible. I’m not sure as it sets my sinuses off something terrible

So Oily, Y-Front, Slip, Boxer or Thong?

Butcher Bill, Padstow

Oily Replies;

Hey Butch it has to be the Thong. Always.

Sing a Thong for Europe I say. It is important for a person to be comfortable in his own skin. Or someone elses skin if you are from the Dennis Nielsen or Jeffrey Dahmer School of Love.

So the more flesh exposed the better. Whether it be pock marked, skid marked, Marky marked or whatever, just be proud of your flab. She will love you for it all the more.

Ride Up!

Oily

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Ginger Heartache With Aunty Bill

Well folks, Aunty Bill’s has asked me to tell you how touched he/she is by all the correspondence received and is happy to offer advice in anyway he/she can if your love life goes a bit boss eyed.

He/she is currently protesting his/her innocence over the theft of a large tin of winter vegetable soup from the prison kitchens.

Shelf Stacker Attacker

Please Help Aunty Bill

I have a problem with girls. I am in my 20’s have a steady job at Morrison’s and according to my mum I am better looking than Brad Pitt. My mum is great, she still cuts my soldiers up when I have a boiled egg for tea and I heard her tell her mate Shirley that next to cider I am the most important thing in her life.

But my problem is this. Every time I meet a girl I fancy the first thing I say to her is “NICE COCK” very loudly. They then run a mile and even my Morrison’s staff discount card won’t win them back. What can I do?

Declan, Stafford

Aunty Bill Replies;

Declan,

Mums are great aren’t they? They shield you from the sad facts of life as long as they can and only when it’s too late do you realise what an utter loser you really are.

At your age you really should be able meet members (no pun intended) of the opposite sex without shouting imbecilic appendage laden abuse at them. It sounds like you may have the onset of Tourette’s and I strongly advise you to get this checked out.

Quite honestly you sicken me and even thought I’ve never met you, why an earth you ever expect to meet a young lady the way you carry on is beyond me.

Your mother’s addiction to cider obviously helps her deal with the fact that she has raised a socially awkward misfit. We have a word for people like you on our wing but as this is a socially responsible family orientated web site I’m not going to mention it.

I’m sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but it’s time you were told a few home truths and I do it because I care.

PS What discount do you receive on your staff discount card and can you use this in conjunction with the Morrison’s “Price Crunch”?

Best Wishes

Aunty Bill

A Teste Jilting

Aunty Bill

I have just been dumped by my girlfriend for another man. I thought she was the one. All I got was a text. It said “I’m off with Jason. He has his own shoes and doesn’t have a face that looks like Hitler’s good Bollock. Can I have my Pink album back as well?”

How can I win her back?

Les, Norwich

Aunty Bill Replies;

Les,

Sorry to hear of your woes although it sounds like this girl is gone for good although if you follow my advice there is a slim chance you can still win her back.

Invest in a decent pair of comfortable and fashionable shoes (Shoe Zone have a great “Buy one get a pair free” offer on at the moment, runs until the end of March, not available with any other offer).

You may want to stamp your own individuality on them by customising them, for example by writing Right and Left on the each one (make sure you don’t get them confused,, it’s easily done).

How about sprinkling the heels with Hundreds and Thousands? This will make you really stand out from the crowd! She will certainly know you mean business and poor Jason will have to raise his game in the footwear stakes to compete with you, you little charmer!

There’s a small chance that people may laugh at you in the street and on the odd occasion throw something at you but turn the other cheek (the one that doesn’t look like Hitler’s good bollock), you’ll have the last laugh.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

Ham Fisted

Aunty Bill

Is it wrong for a man to develop a deep affection for ham?

Nathan, Melbourne

Aunty Bill Replies;

Nathan,

Not at all! Many have written to me expressing their desire for pre-packaged cold meats.

You don’t state whether your passion is for crumbed, breaded or good old plain Wiltshire but either way a relationship with this tasty cooked treat can be a rewarding experience.

Over the months and years you may find a deeper understanding of why men in particular, have found this inanimate food stuff such a satisfying experience when it comes to affairs of the heart.

Keep refrigerated and try to avoid leaving in bright sunlight or storing near lemons or tomato puree as these can affect both the colour and temperament of your ham. Follow these instructions and you should have many happy years together and probably a few exciting adventures too!

Ham – the gift that keeps on giving

Aunty Bill

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Ginger Heartache – Aunty Bill’s Here To Help!

Gingerfightback cares. Really cares. We have received a number of letters from heartbroken readers for whom Cupid’s bow has gone a bit wonky. So we have decided to help and have enlisted the services of Aunty Bill.

Aunty Bill - Here To Heal, Here To Help

Aunty Bill is a leading expert in all affairs of the heart and is now able to receive correspondence to his/her open prison in Worcestershire. He/She maintains his/her innocence to this day and is a leading campaigner (the only campaigner actually) for dedicated transgender prisons.

We hope you may find some answers too.

Case #1 – Loveless and Doorless

Aunty Bill,

I’m distraught. Last night my partner told me he had fallen in love with the back door. This morning I awoke to find my partner gone and just a draught where the back door should have been.

There was a note on the table, presumably written by the back door as my partner is illiterate. The note said, “One day you will find closure.”

Not only am I heartbroken I am also freezing. How do I win them back?

Meredith, Ottawa

Aunty Bill Replies,

Dear Meredith,

So sorry to hear of your woes. You don’t state in your letter whether the door was  UPVC or standard wooden half Georgian wired glass. Experience dictates that men who run off with doors seldom return. What you’ve got to do is ensure it never happens again.

At this troubled time you probably wonder why I am asking what type of door it was, but in the days ahead, when a window of clarity appears you will have to think about a replacement door and depending on the type that ran off with your (ex) partner this will dictate what type of frame, lock and extra security you require.

I always recommend a standard 5 lever bolt lock (ISO234567) is fitted where the door is UPVC, although for a wooden door an Ingeroll Chubb and separate mortice should suffice. Be sure to allow for the stress factor on wooden doors and if in doubt fix an extra hinge to allow for any slippage.

At this point I could make a cheap jibe about knockers. But I won’t.

Aunty Bill

Case #2 – Bedspread Jiggery Pokery

Aunty Bill,

Please help. I found my sister in bed with my man last night. There was a lot of jiggling going on under the bedspread. They denied any hanky panky and swore they were re-enacting key skirmishes from the Battle of the Bulge. Should I believe them?

Elsie, The Ardennes

Aunty Bill Replies

Dear Elsie,

Difficult one this. I was caught in a not too dissimilar situation a few years ago (although not with your boyfriend I hasten to add) and used the excuse of having to look for my sister-in-law’s false teeth that had somehow dislodged themselves from the book I had given her to bite on as she suffered from an epileptic fit. Necessity being the mother of invention and all that.

I think that a similar scenario is developing here. On this occasion I would give them the benefit of doubt but if this occurrence repeats itself and they can’t come up with anything more current (the Arab Spring uprising, re-enacting Pearl Harbour or negotiating a super tanker through the Straits of Hormuz) then I would kick them both into touch.

After all, we’ve all fallen for the Battle of the Bulge routine before! I could make a cheap jibe about Prussian helmets but I won’t as I think you have enough on your (Battle of River) plate at the moment.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

Case #3 If The Face Fits…..

Aunty Bill,

My girl is wonderful, sexy and has a great sense of humour. A great catch as my cider sodden Granddad might have said.

However there is one problem. When we copulate she insists that I wear a replica mask of Margaret Thatcher as she swears blind that Maggie screwed her and the rest of Britain when she was in power and she can only achieve her “tingle” when looking at the Iron Lady.

I don’t mind wearing the mask (although they chaff my sideburns a tad) but sometimes I’d like to experiment and wear a different one. Silvio Berlusconi for example.

How do I approach this one Aunty Bill?

Wally, Lincoln

Aunty Bill Replies

Dear Wally,

With the great new range of latex rubber masks available on the market these days, suggest to your girlfriend that you both spend a day at Larry’s Latex Parlour in Harlow, Essex.

Here you’ll find a huge array of current and not so current faces. Larry has been the leading purveyor of latex masks for over 20 years in the Essex region and his number can be found in phone boxes, public lavatories and pub toilets especially in the Pitsea area.

Some are even programmed to speak their most popular catch phrase at that “important” moment. For instance Harry Rednapp shouts “Back of the net!” or how about Oliver Hardy and his unforgettable “That’s another fine mess you’ve got us into”.

A personal favourite is the Mr Punch mask saying, “That’s the way to do it!”

Whilst I appreciate your girlfriend’s Thatcher analogy, maybe a little more humour wouldn’t go amiss and what a cracking day out!

How about you wearing a mask of dashing helicopter pilot Prince William? I could make a cheap jibe here about choppers but I won’t. The futures bright Wally, the future’s Latex!

All the best!

Aunty Bill

Aunty Bill is happy to receive correspondence to help heal the wounds of a broken heart. Please feel free to send them in.

NO TIME WASTERS!

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