Posts Tagged ‘Relationship Advice’


Aunty Bill,

Last night my partner told me he had fallen in love with the back door. This morning I awoke to find my partner gone and just a draught where the back door used to be.

There was a note on the table, presumably written by the back door as my partner is illiterate. The note said, “One day you will find closure.”

Not only am I heartbroken I am freezing. How do I win them back?

Meredith, Ottawa

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Meredith,

You don’t state in your letter whether the door was UPVC or standard wooden half Georgian wired glass.

At this troubled time you probably wonder why I am asking what type of door it was, but in the days ahead, when a window of clarity appears you will have to think about a replacement door and depending on the type that ran off with your (ex) partner this will dictate what type of frame, lock and extra security you require.

I always recommend a standard 5 lever bolt lock (ISO234567) is fitted where the door is UPVC, although for a wooden door an Ingeroll Chubb and separate mortice should suffice. Be sure to allow for the stress factor on wooden doors and if in doubt fix an extra hinge to allow for any slippage.

Experience dictates that men who run off with doors seldom return. At this point I could make a cheap jibe about knockers. But won’t.

Aunty Bill

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Vermeer_The_Girl_With_The_Pearl_Earring_(1665) copy

Hello Aunty;

Where I come from, a woman selects her life partner by slapping him/her with a wet haddock. Sadly, due to Climate Change, warming oceans and over fishing, the wet haddock shoal has all but disappeared.

The only thing I can lay my hands on now is a 15 lb lump hammer and am worried that the man I have chosen for the rest of my life, known locally as Ted The Runt, may not withstand the tap of love.

Any tips?

Big Elsie, Stockport

Dear Elsie;

Stop! In the name of love!

Before approaching Ted with the lump hammer (although it sounds like he’s not adverse to a smack on the chops with a heavy implement) have you considered the alternatives?

Haddock does seem to have had its chips but there are a wealth of bottom feeders out there that will adequately do the job. Cheap, ugly and prone to instant decay if not used promptly (bit like Ted’s gnashers I hear) they would make any man fall gratefully onto your ample, heaving bosom (if not shove a couple of pickled eggs up your blouse, goes well with the fish).

Alternatively if you’re having trouble sourcing bottom feeders, a family sized bag of Asdas frozen whole tail scampi should suffice. Cheap and if swung with sufficient force it will have a similar effect to a 15lb hammer.

How about adding a few jars of tartar sauce to the bag for extra effect?

Tartar for now!


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Vermeer_The_Girl_With_The_Pearl_Earring_(1665) copy

Hello Aunty;

Several days ago I discovered that my man was cheating on me with a foot pump. Ever since I have felt very deflated.

Is there anything I can do?

Wendy, Bolton

Dear Wendy,

Men are creatures of habit and it may well be that you haven’t been paying him full attention, hence his preoccupation with matters of the motoring kind.

If he’s feeling under pressure at work or home he needs a release valve and seems to have found it in the boot of his car. Tread carefully but you need to get to the hub of the problem before it escalates. Perhaps he’s tired of the domestic routine although it’s too early to gauge.

Without wishing to put a spanner in the works I suggest that if you spoke to him about your concerns he may well realise the error of his ways and realise he has been acting a bit nuts. With a little effort you may be able to repair this relationship without puncturing his hopes for the future.

Just be thankful it’s a foot pump and not one of the flash ones down the local petrol station. Although you have to pay to use them, the hoses are so much longer and once it gets going the vibration is something else!



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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short


Dear Aunty Bill,

My girl Polly means the world to me. She has a lovely personality, speaks several languages and is, in the vernacular, a bit of a looker. I want to ask her to marry me and bare my offspring.

She suffers from the very rare “Pollyputthekettleon Syndrome” which means she cannot leave the house without a full kettle perched on her perm and she can never be more than 5 metres from a plug socket to ensure the water is always boiled.

Do you think if I bought her a flexi-lead to increase her roaming distance she would walk down the aisle with me?

Carlton, Stovely

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hey Carlton!

You lucky man, sounds like the girl of my dreams as well. I love a cuppa and with her there’s never one far away!

Rather than go to expense of trailing sockets and extension leads, how about an asbestos hat as featured in this month’s edition of “Practical Millenary”?

One of these titfers, a small can of lighter fluid and you are away. Simply spray the fluid on to the hat, ignite and place the kettle in the cradle provided. Within minutes you’ll have a nice steaming brew!

But ask her to let you know if her head is getting too hot.

These hats are designed to withstand temperatures of 200 degrees for up to five minutes (so it says in the brochure), ample time to boil a kettle, although if you detect any scalp disfigurement extinguish immediately.

How about some matching gloves to go with the hat? That way your steaming brew will remain hotter for longer (so it says in the brochure).

Remember not to ignite the gloves.

Sup up!

Aunty Bill

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