DIY Tips On Painting – With Tommy Tapper

Tommy Tapper, “Bodger To The Stars” provides insights into DIY.

If it can be fixed he won’t be able to do it

His manual, “Let’s Not Worry The Taxman On This Job “ is an acknowledged masterclass in the no-nonsense, no worries, no skill approach to DIY.

Here are some of his trade secrets for Painting.

1. What is the primary purpose of Painting? To express a quiet and ongoing admiration for Magnolia.

2. What is Paint made off? Painty stuff.

3. How is Paint applied? Usually poorly – in a word – slapdash.

4. Normal Paint problems? Being collared by a Jehovah’s Witness whilst painting your front door – offer a life saving blood transfusion for one of their kids at some indeterminate time in the future. They will be off quicker than saying, “We are in the area and wondered if you would be interested in…….”

5. How lazy married men use Painting to their advantage? Just say, “It’ll only take 10 minutes to slap it on.” You will be spared any further involvement – guaranteed  

 Things to consider before you Paint;

i) You cannot paint using a hammer – use a paint brush, roller or the Afro sported by your neighbour’s son in tribute to Blaxploitation movies – ask him first though.

ii) The wobbliness of the step-ladder you bought from B and Q, “‘cos it was going cheap,” but was only used as a climbing frame by mice during the great rodent infestation of ’94.

iii) Because of ii) The journey time to your local Accident and Emergency unit.

iv) Licking the skirting board does not constitute a rub down.

iv) Do not drink paint however attractive the pastel shades are to your mind’s eye – if you do see iii) above.

vi) Enjoy the phrase “Dado Rail” before haphazardly applying Gloss.

vii) Think of songs that could have the word Emulsion included in the title.
Tommy – The Happy Slapper

 

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DIY Tips With Tommy Tapper – #3 Shelves

Tommy Tapper, “Bodger To The Stars” provides insights into DIY.

If it can be fixed he won’t be able to do it

His manual, “Don’t Forget To Turn The Gas Off “ is an acknowledged masterclass in the no-nonsense, no worries, no skill approach to DIY.

Here are some of his trade secrets for Shelves.

1. What is the primary purpose of a Shelf? For shy people to be left on.

2. Where are Shelves located? On walls. At the end of Continents.

3. What are they made of?  Stiff things.

4. Normal Shelf problems? Wonkiness.

5. Things to consider before you fix a Shelf;

i) If you can’t fix it by hitting it with your hammer, you maybe facing a more sizeable problem.

ii) The journey time to your local Accident and Emergency unit.

iii) Have a spirit level handy to check for wonkiness. Never drink the liquid in a spirit level. It is not a spirit. If you do – see ii) above.

iv) Give silent praise to the inventor of the Rawlplug.

5. Little known facts about the Shelf

i) A photograph of a shelf is called a shelfie.

ii) Shelvery was an Olympic sport until 1928.

 

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DIY Tips With Tommy Tapper – #2 Boilers

Tommy Tapper, “Plumber To The Stars” provides a valuable introduction to DIY.

If it can be fixed he won’t be able to do it

His manual, “I Bodge Therefore I am,” is an acknowledged masterclass in the no-nonsense, no worries, no skill approach to DIY.

Here are some of his trade secrets for Boilers.

1. What is the primary purpose of a boiler? To breakdown.

2. Where are boilers located? In a very inaccessible spot in your home.

3. What are they made of?  Normally stiff metally stuff.  A few pipes pop out. These allow you to play a boiler as a wind instrument in a mildly comedic fashion.

4. Normal boiler problems?  They stop working.

5. Things to consider before you fix a boiler;

i) If you can’t fix it by hitting it with your hammer, you maybe facing a more sizeable problem.

ii) The journey time to your local Accident and Emergency unit.

iii) Use a naked flame to check for a gas leak. Much the quickest way and so much better than all this politically correct, health and safety, Muslims eat our babies do gooding stuffed constantly rammed down our throats by the EU.

iv) Your adjustable spanner is comfortable with change.

v) That it is the boiler you are fixing.

5. Little known fact about the Boiler

The domestic boiler was invented in 1874 by Derek Central-Heating. Fancy that!

“Gingerfightback – The Blog That Cares. Really Cares”

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