I am dating Julius Caesar! Reincarnated love for Agnes DuPont

Hello,

Regular readers of my lies will know I recently joined the reincarnee’s dating agency, “Have We’ve Met B4?”  (www.previouslovepreviouslives.com)

I have met a lovely man! Called Lionel.

In his previous life he was  Julius Caesar and was building Hardrian’s Wall.

Today he works in a brick factory and has built a brick wall in his back bedroom. It’s lucky he works in a brick factory isn’t it!

He regularly pours boiling oil over passers by and on Friday crucified a man who was selling flannels door to door.  The Police have had a word with him about this.  As you would expect.

He explained the misunderstanding and bought a couple of flannels as a peace offering.

I’m going round for Tea tonight. Traditional dress.  I’m a bit worried.  My hammer toes aren’t really set off by a sandal. Still hopefully the inflatable Christian I have bought from www.slaughterthereligous.com should keep his mind off my pudgy tootsies.

I am taking a sherry trifle for pudding.

Agnes

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A Feminist Icon I! – The Previous Lives Of Agnes Dupont

I was in Tesco’s rummaging amongst the mangoes with a view to buying one for my pudding this evening.  As I popped a fruit into my trolley, I felt a tad woozy and a touch fey.

I had an insatiable desire to free my people from the yoke of Roman tyranny.

The spirit of Boadicea, Queen of the Iceni had entered me!

I applied Brobat Blue woad and with my wonky wheeled trolley chariot, I sought vengeance on the spotty youth oppressing me with her inability to locate the dried apricots in the Storeroom.

She was no underpaid wage slave of questionable literacy and numeracy skills but a Roman oppressor!

I rented the air with a cry of “Death To The Romans!”

The Romans formed a Shield Wall using tins of Kidney, Baked and Borlotti Beans. The cunning curs!

Sadly my uprising came to an abrupt halt when the wonky wheel of the accursed trolley chariot fell off and I skidded to a halt by the tinned fish shelf (Pilchards on special offer by the way).

Mango anyone?

Regards,

Agnes

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Warrior Vegetables – The Potato Comes Out Top!

Imagine you are a Roman Legionnaire fighting the Barbarian hordes (Gauls, Picts, Vandals or Visigoth – take your pick).

Imagine the Legionnaire to your right, let’s call him Sextus Quintus Marinadus, is felled by a Barbarian’s mighty twin headed axe.

“What vegetable should replace Sextus Quintus Marinadus in the shield wall?

GFB has the answer! Our opinion poll (below) shows what vegetable people would want alongside them in battle. As to be expected root and tubas triumph over brassicas and squashes.

Fascinating.

“Dic Nihil Tandem Est” as old Sextus Quintus Marinadus may have said.

We asked Professor of Cobblerology at the University of Erewash, Professor Aubrey Lunge for his thoughts on the shock findings, ” I could have sworn more people would have said runner beans. Where’s the bar?”

 

 

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I Was The Queen Of The Iceni In Tesco’s! – The Previous Lives Of Agnes Dupont

Agnes DuPont is back with more tales from her previous lives!!!!!! Read other lies here and here!.

Hello,

Recently I was in Tesco’s rummaging amongst the mangoes with a view to buying one for my pudding later that evening.  As I popped a fruit into my trolley, I felt a tad woozy and a touch fey.

I had an insatiable desire to free my people from Roman tyranny and build a new by-pass around Colchester!

The spirit of Boadicea, Queen of the Iceni had entered me! (Some of you may know her as Boudica. I don’t know when her name changed. It was the same when Peking changed to Beijing, Bombay to Mumbai and Swindon to The Barcelona of Wiltshire). But I digress.

Within minutes I was scurrying down the cheese aisle in my chariot, courgettes affixed to each wheel to hobble any Roman oppressor. On I rode, scything down the enemy,  my face now tinted the tint of blue woad tinty stuff from a toilet block.

A scream, nay ululation invoking the ancient Druid Gods saw me rent the air to tackle these Roman curs. With a cry of “Death To The Romans”, I sped through the automatic doors, into the sunlight and trundled toward freedom, shattering their yoke of tyranny.

Sadly the trolley wheel locking device was activated as I exited the car park and the lardy centurions of G4S ended my uprising.

The Magistrate deferred the sentence of Crucifixion to 120 hours of litter picking on the A13. I did get my pound back for the trolley though.

But, no longer will I be enslaved by men in sandals, togas and sporting French Crops!

You may think I am a fantasist ………..I would beg to differ.

Mango anyone?

Regards,

Agnes

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