Posts Tagged ‘Buildings’


During a recent focus group, it was pointed out that GFB should offer practical tips on everyday life.

One person said, “I’d love some DIY advice. Not the stuff they put on TV about bonding agents or one man and a theodolite, but practical solutions to holes, gaps and loose things.”

So, we have brought in the expertise of DIY expert Tommy Tapper, the only man to feature on the BBC’s, Rogue Traders;Cowboy Builders; Conman On Your Doorstep and Loose Footings.


Tommy Tapper – If It Can Be Fixed He Won’t Be Able to Do It


Tommy’s DIY manual, “Tell the old girl you’re from the Gas Board and then nick her life savings,” is an acknowledged masterclass in the no-nonsense, no worries, no skill approach to DIY.

Here are some of his trade secrets for The Roof.

1. Where is it located? Normally on top of the building. If it is anywhere else, say the garden, you maybe facing a more sizeable problem.

2. What is it made of? Normally stiff stuff. Hopefully not cheese or sponge cake. If this is the case, you maybe facing a more sizeable problem.

3. Normal Roof problems?  Slates with low self-esteem; felt with unrealistic expectations. Holes. (Problems with flashing should be reported to your local police).

4. Things to check before you fix a roof problem;

i) If you can’t fix it by hitting it with your hammer, you maybe facing a more sizeable problem.

ii) The journey time to your local Accident and Emergency unit.

iii) That your sandwiches, if made of cheese, can be stored in your helmet and are accompanied by a tangy pickle.

iv) Your ladder has rungs and is not just two poles with a dream.

v) That it is the roof you are fixing.

5. Little known fact about the Roof

The plural of roof is roofs. The plural of hoof is hooves. Why?

We hope you can now tackle your roof problems with a tad more confidence.

“Gingerfightback – The Blog That Cares. Really Cares”

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Britain’s leading Porn Again Christian, Oily George, offers reader some more tips on looking good and feeling GREAT!

Hair Today….

Hello Oily

I recently went to the hairdresser’s for extensions and came out with a one bedroom apartment (with balcony) perched on my head. It has caused a crick in my neck but I never have to worry about overnight accommodation again. What colour should I paint it?

Maureen, Staines

Oily Replies

Oh Maureen you as well? This is becoming all too common these days. Honestly estate agents will try anything to sell a lie. It’s a well known Wikipedia fact that my dear friend and bowel irritant Michael Winner was an estate agent in a previous life. Figures.

Perhaps Maureen you could send me a photo of you facing the camera standing completely naked save for a 6 foot python around your neck and just about covering your ‘party areas’.

I am looking for a one bed condo in the Surrey area for my frequent jaunts to the UK . You don’t tell me if the apartment has an ensuite bathroom and/or well appointed kitchen, so I need to see for myself.

Details, dear girl, details.

Best Wishes


Hello Oily,

I notice from your picture that you have the perfect tan and a body to die for.

I am a pale ginger man who burns when the fridge light goes on. I long for your mahogany look Oily ‘cos it is so sexy and will help me with women. My Dad says I should paint myself brown to save a few bob. He says there a few old tins of paint in the shed I could use to experiment with. And a roller.

I am not so sure as I tried to make soup with paint once and it didn’t taste very nice.

Do you have any tips for the perfect tan Oily?

Albino Sid, Saskatchewan

Hi Sid. I am rather sexy aren’t I. Good thing too because having a 40ft ceiling mirror I am the first person I see each morning so need to look good just to get the engine running.

First off I’d get out of Saskatchewan. Not sure if you saw the BBC3 in depth hour long special ‘Saskatchewan: Is it all that?’ Oh Dear.

So my message to you, Rudi is come here to LA where it is wall to wall sunshine. So much sunshine that they have had to extend the year by 6 days just to fit it all in!

As an Albino you’d be very popular at my ‘specialist’ parties too!

Regards, Oily

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