Posts Tagged ‘The Penis’

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Hello Oily,

Several weeks ago I went to a health spa and had the nose spore cleansing that uses Siamese cat spittle as the cleansing agent. My nose has never been so shiny!

However since then I am becoming increasingly feline in my daily activities. Nocturnal, urinating over furniture, munching on mice and not really giving a shit. I have also developed a taste for licking my bottom in front of the TV.

My man has put a bell around my neck.

Do you think I should ask for my money back?

Tiddles, Avondale

Oily Replies;


This problem screams to me of someone who ain’t getting any.

Not surprising if you have allowed your pink canoe to go unused. My lady loveboy is always kept well manicured. In fact I insist on helping in this task myself using my own personal bag of tricks to aid him. I will send you one of these Lovebags on receipt of £ 39.99 plus p&p and a DVD of you and your girlfriend at the masseurs all hot and lithesome and……

Ahem oops..sorry I got sidetracked. Slightly. God is it hot and clammy in here or is it just me?

Anyway poppet the important thing is that once that lawn has been mowed and your punanny pavement has been pounded, the world will seem a much better place.

Have a saucer of milk to get you in the mood…..


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There was contrived amazement in the Papers about the Racist (UKIP) Party’s  minor success in fooling morons to vote for them on the basis of ignorance, fear and lies, laced with false bonhomie, a pint of ale and a cigarette. The Party’s leader and chief chap, Nigel “I’m Not Sitting Next To You Darkie” Farage has returned to his cowpat to figure out what to say on tiptoe about the election results for the European Parliament.

Nigel used to work in the City of London as a trader.  He is a chap. He doesn’t like foreigners. Or the poor. Or the educated. Or the tolerant.


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“The Bigger The Lie”

As previously reported by Gfb, the Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister are a pair of bollocks, whilst the Leader of the Opposition is a dick.


They’re In It Together!

These shots were passed to Gfb by Emrie Self-Assembly, who happened across Rupert Murdoch taking off his underpants after a hard day’s undermining the democratic process. Murdoch was heard to say, “How ya doing down there boys? Still wanna fuck with me? Nothing like a shaved scrotum for comfort is there!”

If anyone thinks the Press is giving so much attention to UKIP because of plans to curb a Newspaper’s ability to hack the phone of  murdered children they are naive fools.

Hi! My Name Is Ed Minibellend

It really is a load of bollocks!

Gawd ‘elp us! Nonsense For a Purpose Indeed

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Several years ago I followed your fabulous diet book, “Masturbate Yourself Thin”, lost three stone and could crack walnuts with my right hand. Sadly I tugged with such ferocity that my foreskin is now over three feet long and when I am in the shower my love missile looks kinda…..weird. Do you have any tips for reeling it in. Or is surgery the only way?

Bellend Tom, Belenses

Hi Bellend,

My we have quite a few wankers contacting me this week! Fine by me!

Could you contact my secretary Salacious Sadie? We have just the part for you. It’s an updated/skewered/perverted version of the Elephant Man and tells the story of the many scraps and bedroom farces old Merrick might have got into with various buxom wenches if he had been a bit less depressive, more outgoing and could run fast like Benny Hill.


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new oilyHello Oily

I recently saw you at the French Polishers having your tan topped up. I must say I was impressed with the lengths you go to perma tan yourself and may I say your buttocks are an exemplar for a man of your age. My question is would you ever varnish your penis? And if so what lacquer treatment would you recommend?

Stiff Ben, Wendover

Oily Replies;

Hey Stiffie!

Good to hear from you, its been a while. One of Hefner’s party’s if I recall? Was the hospital able to remove the gerbil?

Having a right beast of a penis I enjoy polishing it alot. Sometimes I apply the polish myself though I am a great believer in the old adage ‘many hands make light work; especially when you have an unfeasibly large one’.

I tend to apply to my appendage whatever is lying about the house though this has proved painful in the past when not wearing my reading glasses. There are household cleaning fluids most definitely not meant for application to one’s extremities. But hey ho no pain no gain as dear old Granny Oily used to say.


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new oilyOily, 

Are you still auditioning for your new film Henry’s Hosepipe Heaven? In some bizarre twist of fate my penis has a built in sprinkler system and I would be ideal for the role of the hose.

Richard, Nuneaton

Oily Replies;

Due to the hot weather and inevitable hosepipe ban we had to hold off on that shoot. However you could end up answering many problems.

Have you full control over the sprinkler? Have you a remote control? Can you sprinkle in several directions simultaneously?

I need to know length and dimensions of said hosepipe. Perhaps send me a picture of your wife and her best friend Sophie that Friday night they got carried away on the girls night out.

Sorry you don’t have such a pic? Ok.

You want one?


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