Posts Tagged ‘Ireland’
The Pass – By Paul Holland (Again)
Posted in Poetry, Writing, tagged "Poetry",, Belfast, Belfast Poetry, Bird Watching, Espana, Great Britain, Ireland, La Rioja, Nature, Northern Ireland, Poems, Spain, Twitchers, Twitching, USA, Writing on September 30, 2014| 6 Comments »
I am dating Julius Caesar! Reincarnated love for Agnes DuPont
Posted in Africa, Animals, Art, Canada, DIY, Funny, History, Humor, Humour, Satire, Scotland, UK, tagged Ancient Briton, Ancient Rome, Bricks, Dating, Dating Websites, DIY, England, Funny, Hadrian's Wall, Humor, Humour, Ireland, Julius Caesar, lol, Love, omg, Red Hair, Reincarnation, Sandals, Scotland, Stupid, USA on September 17, 2014| 16 Comments »
Hello,
Regular readers of my lies will know I recently joined the reincarnee’s dating agency, “Have We’ve Met B4?” (www.previouslovepreviouslives.com)
I have met a lovely man! Called Lionel.
In his previous life he was Julius Caesar and was building Hardrian’s Wall.
Today he works in a brick factory and has built a brick wall in his back bedroom. It’s lucky he works in a brick factory isn’t it!
He regularly pours boiling oil over passers by and on Friday crucified a man who was selling flannels door to door. The Police have had a word with him about this. As you would expect.
He explained the misunderstanding and bought a couple of flannels as a peace offering.
I’m going round for Tea tonight. Traditional dress. I’m a bit worried. My hammer toes aren’t really set off by a sandal. Still hopefully the inflatable Christian I have bought from www.slaughterthereligous.com should keep his mind off my pudgy tootsies.
I am taking a sherry trifle for pudding.
Agnes
“Lash The Fat To Houses To Save Energy!” Says Ian Duncan Smith
Posted in Canada, DIY, Funny, Humor, Humour, News, Politics, Random Thoughts, Satire, UK, tagged British Gas, Burgers, Chingford, Comedy, DWP, Energy Bills, Energy consumption, Funny, Green Politics, Home insulation, Humor, Humour, Ian Duncan Smith, Ireland, McDonalds, News, NHS, Obesity, Obesity Problems, Politics, Satire, Scotland, Stomach Surgery, Utility Bills, Wales, Weight Loss on September 3, 2014| 13 Comments »
Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff wants to lash fat people to houses to drive down energy consumption in the UK as part of the Government’s Green agenda.
IDS told Gfb, “I’m sick of all these fat bastards lolloping round the place in tracky bottoms stuffing McShite into themselves, blaming their glands and then expecting the NHS to staple their gobs.”
He continued after a shot of morphine, “I’m not fucking havin’ it. They are fat – like a Seal in winter fat – fat is good insulation – so tie themto the outside of houses as insulation. Energy consumption goes down and these tubsters are actually of some use. Genius or what!”
Drunken-Spliff then went for a lie down.
British Gas told Gfb, “We have no plans to lash the fat to houses, attractive as that may be. We are farming the obese for their tallow and hope the first Obese Oil Fired Power Station will be coming on-line in 3 or so years.”
Yootha N’asia, Secretary of The Society of Obese People said, “Are you going to eat that?”
Mary Berry In Great British Jerk Off Shocker!
Posted in Art, Beauty Tips, Canada, Food, Funny, Humor, Humour, Random Thoughts, Satire, Scotland, Show Business, TV, tagged Adult Humor, Bake Off, Bizarre, British Blogs, Cakes, domestic Abuse, England, Family Life, Food, Funny, Humor, Humour, Ireland, Mary Berry, Paul Hollywood, Pies, Random, Satire, Scotland, The BBC, The Great British Bake Off, Wales, Weightlifting on August 27, 2014| 8 Comments »
Fans of hit TV show, The Great British Bake Off were delighted to hear that Baking Guru, Mary “The Beast” Berry has set a new age category record for the Snatch in weightlifting.
Mary lifted 7 tons in Glasgow last night, whilst sporting one of her “absolutely scrummy” chocolate tier cakes. Asked about the secret behind her great strength, Mary smiled sweetly and replied, “I use massive amounts of steroids in my baking. My snatch is an absolute picture as a result but I do have to shave my chest occasionally!”
Not to be outdone co-host and self-styled Bad Boy of British Baking, Paul “Product” Hollywood also jerked himself to glory with a lift of 8.5 tons in Abergavenny last Tuesday, whilst balancing a pork pie on his head.
“I’ve nothing left to proof,” Hollywood said.