I Ate The Roof So My Mum Sold Me To The Milkman! Help Aunty Bill!

Here To Help – Here To Care

The Milk Of Human Kindness

Aunty Bill,

My mum sold me to the milkman in order to buy a shoe horn the other week.

Do you think she is trying to tell me something? I weigh 87 stone and recently ate our roof by mistake. It made a healthy alternative to cheese in a sandwich.

Yvonne, Winchester

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Yvonne

The shoehorn is merely a metaphor for shoe horning you out of the door and out of her life (although at 87 stone she’s got a job on her hands and will need a bigger horn or lots of smaller ones).

At least she sold you to a milkman.

Milkmen (and women) have over the years demonstrated a deep affection for fat people. Before the days of the milkfloat, they could be seen across Britain pulling the wagon while milkmen jumped on and off delivering the nation’s favourite drink.

Hopefully he will put you to work and you’ll see the pounds fall away and be in a position to replace the roof over you dear old mum’s head which you so thoughtlessly ate.

Chink! Chink!

AB

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DIY Tips With Tommy Tapper – #1 The Roof

Hello

During a recent focus group, it was pointed out that GFB should offer practical tips on everyday life.

One person said, “I’d love some DIY advice. Not the stuff they put on TV about bonding agents or one man and a theodolite, but practical solutions to holes, gaps and loose things.”

So, we have brought in the expertise of DIY expert Tommy Tapper, the only man to feature on the BBC’s, Rogue Traders;Cowboy Builders; Conman On Your Doorstep and Loose Footings.

Tommy Tapper – If It Can Be Fixed He Won’t Be Able to Do It

 

Tommy’s DIY manual, “Tell the old girl you’re from the Gas Board and then nick her life savings,” is an acknowledged masterclass in the no-nonsense, no worries, no skill approach to DIY.

Here are some of his trade secrets for The Roof.

1. Where is it located? Normally on top of the building. If it is anywhere else, say the garden, you maybe facing a more sizeable problem.

2. What is it made of? Normally stiff stuff. Hopefully not cheese or sponge cake. If this is the case, you maybe facing a more sizeable problem.

3. Normal Roof problems?  Slates with low self-esteem; felt with unrealistic expectations. Holes. (Problems with flashing should be reported to your local police).

4. Things to check before you fix a roof problem;

i) If you can’t fix it by hitting it with your hammer, you maybe facing a more sizeable problem.

ii) The journey time to your local Accident and Emergency unit.

iii) That your sandwiches, if made of cheese, can be stored in your helmet and are accompanied by a tangy pickle.

iv) Your ladder has rungs and is not just two poles with a dream.

v) That it is the roof you are fixing.

5. Little known fact about the Roof

The plural of roof is roofs. The plural of hoof is hooves. Why?

We hope you can now tackle your roof problems with a tad more confidence.

“Gingerfightback – The Blog That Cares. Really Cares”

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