Is Shiney the New Sexy? Oily George Thinks So!

Oily George’s latest erotic masterpiece has been described by crticis as a clear satire on the youth obsessed Western culture. “Hand Shandy III” will be available soon on DVD in wankvision.

Hello Oily

You are great and so sexy – how do you do it?

Shiney Sheena, Wisconsin

Heeelllooooo Sheena,

Kind of you to say so and thank you for the photo. Usually I have to ask/badger/beg my ladies to send their portraits but looking at you, my you are enthusiastic. And ambidextereous. A fact I am logging in the darkest recesses of my febrile mind.

How do I maintain my sexiness? Well as you can see from my profile, I model myself on close personal friend and fellow Oil Spill, George Hamilton.

The dear chap has taught me so much about how to slither through life. He was the inspiration that got me into the How-Do-They-Do-That market that I cater for. I doff my fedora to the slippery one

Oily

 

 

 

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Volumising My Pubic Hair Has Me Worried Oily George

Still Giving Lurve

Pump Up The Volume

Last night I applied hair volumiser to my pubic region. I woke up this morning with a crotch so bouffant that I can’t put my pants on.

I have a big date with Natalie from accounts tonight, was hoping to take things to the next level – but what is she going to think when I drop me strides and mr pubic Afro pops into view?

Worried Les

Oily Replies;

When pondering these problems I like to slither into my bath, lay myself in Extra Industrial Castrol and let nature take it’s course. I do all my best , ahem, pondering in the bath.

I then retire to the drawing room donning my ‘Noel Coward Rocks My World’ silk dressing gown and matching slippers, sip a brandy and ponder further the problems that beset my poor readers.

Shave the offending pubes into the shape of something meaningful to Natalie, something that will make her realise she is with a man who has empathy and isn’t afraid to show his feminine side.

The following are some suggestions of the images that most speak to the sweet little things;

A flower

A fluffy kitten playing with a ball of string

A 6 month old baby gurgling in a pram in a summer’s meadow with the sun blazing down.

An ironing board.

Cutting your mangy pubes into any of the above is a romantic gesture and would win over the hardest of hearts and ensure you get your oats.

If it doesn’t then she’s obviously a lesbian. If that’s the case get your camcorder and follow her home…..I pay big money for such footage.

Oily

 

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I’m Ugly And Have No Talent – Can I Be A Film Star Oily George?

Oily,

The drama teacher says my acting career will never amount to more than a hill o’ beans. Despite not knowing what that means, I’m assuming it ain’t positive as she always gets the class to laugh at me whilst I’m taking my turn on stage.

I have done all the classes and got top marks like, but my protruding tooth, flaming ginger hair and the mole sitting on the end of my nose are a hindrance. Any tips?

Bob, Over There

Oily Replies

Hi Bob,

A sad story, but there is inspiration out there. My fellow Oscar winning actor Ron Jeremy is no oil painting as you seen from his role in genteel Sunday night period dramas, Go Down on Abbey and Rockford’s Piles.

With his pot belly, webbed toes and dubious taste in sandals, Ron is no Ryan Gosling, yet pneumatic, breathy, stiletto wearing, badly dubbed girls the world over have loved him dearly. Frequently. All at once. Sometimes involving implements to!

So there is hope

Oily

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Can I Make My Fortune From My Buttocks? Oily George Says Yes!

Oily

I was wondering if there is an opening for a guy like me in your movies. I am 6 feet tall, tanned and my buttocks are pert. I can whistle the back catalogue of the Beatles whilst under water and recently escorted well-known Dolly Bird, Dolores Titwank to the opening of the “Dixy, Trixie, Lixie Southern Fried Chicken Y’all” shop in Harlesden, where I ate chicken nuggets off her ample cleavage.

I have no nipples though.

Any use to you?

Nippleless Nippleby

Oily Replies;

I know Dolores well. Met her through her sister Fellatio Felicity from Faversham. Lovely girl. So giving. Prone to speaking with her mouth full though. Causes a right mess. Little wonder my laundry bill is so high!

Nippy I have absolutely no doubt I could use you. On our books we have all manner of odd balls freaks, kinksters, fetishists, perverts, onanists, duoists, orgiests and various other made up words. So long as you aren’t a Tory blue blood. Got to draw the line somewhere. They always go too far. Not enough to f**k one, two or a small intimate group of like minded individuals, they have to f**k entire communities who never asked for it in the first place.

Oh my a bit of politics people.

My name is Oily George I’m here all week. Or until my bail is paid.

Free The Oily 1!

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Astrology? It Didn’t Predict This! – By Bob On The Pot

I was round Mum’s yesterday afternoon to put some new batteries in her TV remote control. I’m a dab hand at DIY you see.

After trying for twenty minutes to get the cover off,  I told Mum that this was a bigger job than appeared. I needed to ponder my strategy whilst completing a movement.

On the pot I read my horoscope in the paper. With Venus in the ascendant and Neptune on a bender (or some such, I’ve never really understood Gastrology to be honest).

The horoscope told me to; “Be wary of undertaking complex tasks but prepare for a romantic encounter.”

That knocked the battery change on the head.

After I’d eaten the bacon rolls Mum had made, I nipped home to watch the film my mate Pete the Slip had given me down The Reclusive Monkey on Saturday.

Shirley had gone to the Bingo so I had a couple of hours to kill before she got home to cook my tea. Lovemeat Sandwich had some very good camera work. And the script was very challenging.

Shirley came home early after being chucked out of the Bingo for glassing the caller. She found me in a compromising position on the leather cornerpiece. She didn’t believe me when I told her that I was just airing my rash.

I had to cook my own fish fingers for tea.

Horoscopes. Spooky. End of.

Be Lucky

Bob

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“Hash n Gash In The Attic” – The New Breaking Bad? Oily George Thinks So!

Oily,

Several weeks ago I watched your stunning adult themed remake of Cash In The Attic on the local cable adult themed channel. Will another series of Gash In The Attic be made?

Knock Kneed Nancy, The Wirral

Oily Replies;

I believe so Knock Kneed Nancy. We are filming in Amsterdam. Hash n’ Gash in the Attic I believe it is tentatively called. I sent my researchers there last weekend to find suitable locations. They have not been seen since……..

Oily

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Men – Stay Sexy And Keep Your Underpants Loose – Says Oily George

Hello Oily

You are great and so sexy – how do you do it?

Shiney Sheena, Wisconsin

Why heeelllooooo Sheena,

Kind of you to say so and thank you for the photo. Usually I have to ask/badger/beg my ladies to send their portraits but looking at you, my you are enthusiastic. And ambidextereous. A fact I am logging in the darkest recesses of my febrile mind.

How do I maintain my sexiness? Well as you can see from my profile, I model myself on close personal friend and Texan Oil Spill, George Hamilton.

The dear chap has taught me so much about how to slither through life. He was the inspiration that got me into the How-Do-They-Do-That? market that I cater for.

I doff my fedora to the slothful one

Oily

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I Am Invisible – Can I Find Love? Oily George To The Rescue!

Hello Oily

Try as I might, I cannot get the man of my dreams to notice me. He is tall, handsome, buck toothed with personal hygiene issues. I am currently invisible and think that this may have something to do with it.

What can I do Oily?

Paula, Taunton

Oily Replies;

Paula, people are becoming invisible every day. I have made a documentary nay, a social commentary – on this very subject.

What I do is I take on the cloak of invisibility and explore four aspects of every day life.

I film female welders at the end of their shift as they let their hair down of a weekend. The following week I am with the convent nuns of the Mother Theresa Church of Extreme Holiness and I am there as they pray and play.

The third episode is about life in an 18 year olds Swiss Girls Finishing me off school and the final one is the heart rending tale of the trials and tribulations of the Santa Monica Beach Volleyball team in the G String Championships.

I don’t mind telling you that by the end of the filming I was spent. Red raw I was. Very emotional. “The Bulging Cloak Of Invisibility” Is available now on DVD.

 

Oily

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Pickles – Erotica Or A Tangy Treat To Bring Life To Your Sandwich? Oily George Has The Answer!

Hello Oily

As a man who knows about classy erotica, would you put pickle in a cheese sandwich?

Gert, Munich

Oily Replies,

Hey Gert,

In the lather-me-in-mayo-and-spank-my-bare-botty market that I cater for, a cheese and pickle sandwich is staple fare for actors and crew alike.

In fact it is a well known but mainly ignored fact that when sandwiches were invented in the 16th Century by rakish dandy, the Earl of Pastie, sex didn’t exist. But if it did he doubtless would have enjoyed such sumptuous fare

Anyway you are getting me reet peckish, I need my own particular sandwich.

Kirsty! Tabitha! it’s Banana Splitz time. I got the banana, my sweet little eye candies.

Oily

 

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What Do Porn Moguls Have For Breakfast? Oily George Answers Your Queries

Hello Oily,

You mentioned you had Hornflakes for breakfast. They are not available in my home town. Is there anything else I cold try for breakfast?

Lavinia, Kensington

Oily Replies;

Lavinia

Pornflakes.

Regards

Oily

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