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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Aunty,

Is it true that 86% of all accidents in the home are caused by the Sand mismanagement?

Del, Daventry

Aunty Bill Replies;

Del,

Sand mismanagement does indeed account for a substantial A&E admissions for a variety of reasons;

A bag of hot sand in the bed instead of a hot water bottle – bag too heavy for the bed – bed collapses and falls through ceiling killing both occupant of bed and other household member(s) downstairs – 12 recorded examples in the UK.

Using sand to clear blockage of toilet – causes back surge of water which under extreme pressure causes water to travel back up soil pipe at over 120 mph causing structural damage to both toilet and user –  in extreme cases an unwelcome and painful dose of IBS can result – 2 recorded examples in the UK.

Using sand to prop up wonky furniture – sand actually destabilizes the item being propped up.  In the case of a piano or large bookshelf this can fall, causing severe injury/death/a good laugh for all your mates – 6 recorded examples in the UK.

These are just a few of the common mistakes people make when using sand around the home.

I’m sending you a copy of my leaflet “Sand – the grainy, light coloured silent killer in the home”.

Be careful out there!

Aunty B

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

You Must Sand It To Him

Aunty,

Is it true that 72% of all accidents in the home are caused by the mis-use of Sand?

Del, Daventry

Aunty Bill Replies;

Del!

Sand accidents in the house do account for a substantial amount of A&E admissions for a variety of reasons;

A bag of hot sand in the bed instead of a hot water bottle – bag too heavy for the bed – bed collapses and falls through ceiling killing both occupant of bed and other household member(s) downstairs listening to “Here’s Bernie Winters!” on the iPod (hence didn’t hear bed come crashing through ceiling – take note) – 12 recorded examples in the UK.

A bag of hot sand in the bed instead of a hot water bottle – bag too hot/too heavy to lift up stairs –loses balance, falls down stairs and cracks head open on bannister/burns to death under hot sand or suffocates to death – 4 recorded examples in the UK.

Using sand to clear blockage of toilet – causes back surge of water which under extreme pressure causes water to travel back up soil pipe at over 120 mph causing structural damage to both toilet and user –  in extreme cases an unwelcome and painful dose of IBS can result – 2 recorded examples in the UK.

Using sand to prop up wonky furniture – sand actually destabilizes the item being propped up.  In the case of a piano or large bookshelf this can fall, causing severe injury/death/a good laugh for all your mates – 6 recorded examples in the UK.

These are just a few of the common mistakes people make when using sand as a solution to problems round the home.

I’m sending you a copy of my leaflet “Sand – the grainy, light coloured silent killer in the home”.

Be careful out there!

Aunty B

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We have had Lord Bradley and Sir Ed winning Gold, now we have a ginger bloke (proper ginger to, none of your strawberry blonde rubbish) taking gold in the Long Jump!

He may have a sandy bottom but WHO CARES! Earl Greg of The Rutherford!

GINGERJUMPBACK!

Weeeeeeee!

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

You’ve got to sand it to him

Aunty Bill

Several days ago I met a lovely man at the Bingo. He sat with me as I played and was thrilled when I shouted “House” in my first game!

I won two hundred pounds as well!

He told me he loved me and asked me if I could lend him the £200 so he could buy some sand. I loved him and did so. He promised me that he would pay me back the next day and also give me some sand as a keep sake.

I haven’t heard from him. Do you think I have lost him? Do you want some sand?

Wilma, Portland

AB replies;

Dear Wilma,

It looks like you’ve been a victim of  the notorious”Bingo Bob”.

Bob preys on women like yourself who frequent Bingo Halls to fuel his lust for sand.

Sharp, Coarse or Fine, it’s all the same to him. He has an insatiable lust for the stuff.

When he’s got enough sand together (a hippo sized bag should suffice for his twisted needs) he creeps, yes creeps, under the cover of darkness to the beach and spends the rest of the night building phallic symbols (rather poor efforts I must admit, he sent me some pictures).

Then he buries himself adjacent to his efforts to wait for sunrise and the looks of horror and disgust on the faces of those early morning beach goers as they feast their eyes on his depraved sculptures.

You’ve had a close call Wilma. Try to forget all about it and hand your evidence to the Police.

Regards

Aunty Bill

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