Aunty Bill,
Last night my partner told me he had fallen in love with the back door. This morning I awoke to find my partner gone and just a draught where the back door used to be.
There was a note on the table, presumably written by the back door as my partner is illiterate. The note said, “One day you will find closure.”
Not only am I heartbroken I am freezing. How do I win them back?
Meredith, Ottawa
Aunty Bill Replies;
Dear Meredith,
You don’t state in your letter whether the door was UPVC or standard wooden half Georgian wired glass.
At this troubled time you probably wonder why I am asking what type of door it was, but in the days ahead, when a window of clarity appears you will have to think about a replacement door and depending on the type that ran off with your (ex) partner this will dictate what type of frame, lock and extra security you require.
I always recommend a standard 5 lever bolt lock (ISO234567) is fitted where the door is UPVC, although for a wooden door an Ingeroll Chubb and separate mortice should suffice. Be sure to allow for the stress factor on wooden doors and if in doubt fix an extra hinge to allow for any slippage.
Experience dictates that men who run off with doors seldom return. At this point I could make a cheap jibe about knockers. But won’t.
Aunty Bill
gingerfightback.wordpress.com 
Top notch old man, I say. I am obliged to forward this missive to my son the architect.
Jolly Ho!
Toodle pip!
Combined wisdom regarding relationships and home maintenance? Win-win! The disappearance of that cad is no loss whatsoever, and I suspect that Meredith might, in fact, have wised up and ‘shown him the door’.
One can only hope
Lock and extra security. Or you could leave things open
(Aunty Bill, do you know how difficult it is not to mention museum items like chastity belts? Just can’t do it.)
My heart goes out to you Phil
Do you think you miss the knob or the bells most?
Always been a knob man…
I like one I can handle, myself.
Your private life is your own affair
This post is so timely. It so happens that I’m desperately trying to sell two doors with stained glass inserts – lovely, quality pieces. A steal at US$200 (GBP0.002). Perhaps this will help Aunty obtain closure?
You don’t have a pair of patio doors as well? Chuck those in and we have a deal…..
If only there was some way to make doors less attractive.
A million dollar conundrum
I find this post to be a-door-able. One can come completely unhinged falling in love with a door. The key is to find a way to handle it, or wait, is the way to handle it finding the key? I’m so confused – and here I thought it’d be a simple open and shut case.
Be proud of what you have just achieved! Punsational
This was too punny for words. You are a clever lad, Jim, a very clever lad.
Thank you Michelle – puntastic!