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Posts Tagged ‘Reincarnation’

We hope you remain as amazed as we at the previous lives of Agnes DuPont!

Hello People,

It is great to be here to share with you my previous lives.

Last week I was a Sperm whale for a few hours.

I know this because I am still very partial to plankton and shed a tear at the end of Free Willy 2.

I even swallowed a man in Asda! (I was looking for dental floss. The plankton gets stuck between the teeth you see.)

He is quite comfy. So don’t worry.

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese late at night……….I would beg to differ.

Call me Ishmael

Regards,

Agnes

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Hello,

Regular readers of my lies will know I recently joined the reincarnee’s dating agency, “Have We’ve Met B4?”  (www.previouslovepreviouslives.com)

I have met a lovely man! Called Lionel.

In his previous life he was  Julius Caesar and was building Hardrian’s Wall.

Today he works in a brick factory and has built a brick wall in his back bedroom. It’s lucky he works in a brick factory isn’t it!

He regularly pours boiling oil over passers by and on Friday crucified a man who was selling flannels door to door.  The Police have had a word with him about this.  As you would expect.

He explained the misunderstanding and bought a couple of flannels as a peace offering.

I’m going round for Tea tonight. Traditional dress.  I’m a bit worried.  My hammer toes aren’t really set off by a sandal. Still hopefully the inflatable Christian I have bought from www.slaughterthereligous.com should keep his mind off my pudgy tootsies.

I am taking a sherry trifle for pudding.

Agnes

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I was in Tesco’s rummaging amongst the mangoes with a view to buying one for my pudding this evening.  As I popped a fruit into my trolley, I felt a tad woozy and a touch fey.

I had an insatiable desire to free my people from the yoke of Roman tyranny.

The spirit of Boadicea, Queen of the Iceni had entered me!

I applied Brobat Blue woad and with my wonky wheeled trolley chariot, I sought vengeance on the spotty youth oppressing me with her inability to locate the dried apricots in the Storeroom.

She was no underpaid wage slave of questionable literacy and numeracy skills but a Roman oppressor!

I rented the air with a cry of “Death To The Romans!”

The Romans formed a Shield Wall using tins of Kidney, Baked and Borlotti Beans. The cunning curs!

Sadly my uprising came to an abrupt halt when the wonky wheel of the accursed trolley chariot fell off and I skidded to a halt by the tinned fish shelf (Pilchards on special offer by the way).

Mango anyone?

Regards,

Agnes

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Hello,

I was in Tesco’s rummaging amongst the mangoes with a view to buying one for pudding later that evening.  As I popped a fruit into my trolley, I felt a tad woozy and a touch fey.

I had an insatiable desire to free my people from English tyranny!

The spirit of Joan of Arc, Maid of Orleans had entered me! 

Within minutes I was scurrying down the World Foods aisle in a hastily applied armour of Nan bread and fresh vegetables (some well beyond their best before date) with a baguette lance in my hand.

On I charged, scything down the enemy (Broad beans are handy in a fight).

I screamed, nay ululated,  invoking God to rid France of these English pigs.  I sped through the automatic doors, into the sunlight and trundled toward freedom, shattering their yoke of tyranny.

Sadly the trolley wheel locking device was activated and the lardy security guard, bearing his epaulettes proudly, ended my uprising.

The Magistrate deferred the sentence of burning at the stake to 120 hours of litter picking on the A13. I did get my pound back for the trolley though.

You may think I am a fantasist ………..I would beg to differ.

Mango anyone?

Sacre Bleu!

Agnes

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Hello People,

A few years ago I spent a most enjoyable fortnight reincarnated as Albert Einstein. It was great being brainy for a while.

During my time as Albert Einstein I discovered that light has slowed down a bit. This is good news for all those who rely on torches to see in the dark as the batteries will last longer.

I also invented the dashes to add to the dots in Morse Code which up to that point hadn’t worked very well. As you can see, —…— tells a whole different story!

Yep, It Was Fun Being Albert Einstein.

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese late at night……….I would beg to differ. I was there.

Regards,

Agnes

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Hello People,

It’s been a while. This is because I have been busy having lots of lovely dates on the Reincarnee’s Dating Agency, Have We’ve Met B4? (www.previouslovepreviouslives.com)

Joachim from Hannover, turned out to have been a Eunuch in the Caliph of Baghdad’s Court (nice man but a little underpowered) and Claudio was an ancient Mayan human sacrifice and was loath to meet in public as a result of his night terrors.

I had higher hopes for Henry, who was previously a Norse warrior with a penchant for raw fish and discovering new lands in the frozen north. We’ve even had a weekend away together. In Northumberland. Sadly he burned down the local church, wenched and boozed with abandon and then stole a pedillo and headed east for Jutland, only to be picked up by the Royal Navy as he launched an all out assault on an Oil Rig. Foolhardy I’d call him but he has a larrikin’s charm if nothing else.

He’s coming round for a meal tonight actually. Roast pork with all the trimmings and trifle for afters. His sort always like trifle.

Tatty bye

Agnes

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Hello People,

I have been looking for love!

I signed up to Have We’ve Met B4? (www.previouslovepreviouslives.com) the dating agency for the reincarnated.

A very reasonable signing up fee and a choice of a Crossbow, The Plague or Witchcraft as a free signing on gift! I chose the Crossbow, it was made of plastic and sadly hasn’t lasted.

Among the matches from Have We’ve Met B4? was Terry, a very nervous Visigoth with dandruff, Clancy a hirsute Victorian Chimney Sweep (First man I met who platted his nasal hair) and Andrew, whose incarnation as Archimedes meant our date was a discourse on the importance of the bath plug.

Tonight I’m cooking dinner for Neville, who was a 4th Century Corsican Pirate plying his evil trade on the Barbery Coast, pillaging, wenching and ravishing as he went.

He’s in Telesales now is allergic to brushed cotton and is convinced that only a a reformed New Kids On The Block can save the world from militant Islam.

Sounds a catch.  If a touch deranged. Hope he likes soup. I love soup. Slurp, slurp.

Tatty bye

Agnes

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