Astrology? It Didn’t Predict This! – By Bob On The Pot

I was round Mum’s yesterday afternoon to put some new batteries in her TV remote control. I’m a dab hand at DIY you see.

After trying for twenty minutes to get the cover off,  I told Mum that this was a bigger job than appeared. I needed to ponder my strategy whilst completing a movement.

On the pot I read my horoscope in the paper. With Venus in the ascendant and Neptune on a bender (or some such, I’ve never really understood Gastrology to be honest).

The horoscope told me to; “Be wary of undertaking complex tasks but prepare for a romantic encounter.”

That knocked the battery change on the head.

After I’d eaten the bacon rolls Mum had made, I nipped home to watch the film my mate Pete the Slip had given me down The Reclusive Monkey on Saturday.

Shirley had gone to the Bingo so I had a couple of hours to kill before she got home to cook my tea. Lovemeat Sandwich had some very good camera work. And the script was very challenging.

Shirley came home early after being chucked out of the Bingo for glassing the caller. She found me in a compromising position on the leather cornerpiece. She didn’t believe me when I told her that I was just airing my rash.

I had to cook my own fish fingers for tea.

Horoscopes. Spooky. End of.

Be Lucky

Bob

Read Full Post »

Ginger Mysticism – With The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with various degrees of accuracy for a number of years now. Previous predictions can be read here. and here

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk in bottles mostly although some customers prefer plastic containers. This i find odd. But I won’t go into it here.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. December 2013 – Scientists will discover that The Universe is in fact a giant leg of lamb.

2. February 29 2013 – We will discover that 2013 is not a leap year.

3. June 6 1944 – The Allies will storm the beaches of Normandy and set in train the downfall of Hitler.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Mary, Tetbury

Brother Pete says “It was in my pocket all along!”

Melanie, Santa Barbera,

Wendy wants to let you know that the fish paste was past its sell by date  but she doesn’t blame you

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Bo Bing want to let you know that you will find it in the sock draw.

Deirdre, Bochum

Ludwig is pleased that you have found happiness again.

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

I am now returning the Milk Bottle of Mystery to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

Read Full Post »

Ginger Mysticism – With The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with various degrees of accuracy for a number of years now. Previous predictions can be read here. and here

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk, eggs, orange juice, potatoes, bread (wholemeal mostly but the occasional white sliced) and yoghurt.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. December 2012 – Like The Mayans I believe the world will end on 21st December 2012.

2. Harvest Time 2013 – The polyester shell suit will feature heavily in armed uprisings in the Middle East.

3. January 2012- The Rolling Stones will buy up all stocks of old rope and sell it as a box set.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Elaine, Walthamstow

The cat ate it.

Barbara, Adelaide

Mum kept the receipt in case you didn’t like the blouse.

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Bo Bing thinks velcro fasteners would be a safer bet for you.

Andre, Biarritz

Pierre says not to worry about the faulty wiring in the toaster. It was a mistake anybody could make and he doesn’t blame you.

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

Read Full Post »

Ginger Mysticism – With The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with various degrees of accuracy for a number of years now.  Previous predictions can be read here.

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk in my hometown of Devizes. I also deliver eggs, orange juice, potatoes, bread (wholemeal mostly but the occasional white sliced) and yoghurt. I used to deliver babies as well. Not any more though. Political correctness gone mad in my opinion.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. Cous cous will become the carbohydrate of choice for the discerning.

2. Vowels will be banned in France to save money.

3. At least 48% of Barry Manilow will melt in the Spring.

4. Prince Harry will get his todger out. Again.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Francoise, Paris,

Papa says you always look lovely in Bleu!

Hanif in Karachi

Imran wants to let you know that the Asif borrowed his puncture repair kit and still has it. Nip round there and get it off the thieving dog.

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Bo Bing thinks you left the back door open.

Norman in Totnes

Maureen wants to let you know that she is fine and doesn’t blame you for running over the cat last year. And her come to that.

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

Read Full Post »