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Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category

Boy do the Royals work fast!

With the Scottish Referendum vote so close, PM David Cameron ordered Kate and Wills to, “Produce Prince Sprog pronto old chap.”

And quicker than you can say, “I thought Mel Gibson was terrific in Braveheart – FREEEEEEEDUMB!” the slaphead Prince confirms his sperm count once again!

kate_pregnant
We are as thrilled that our Kate is pregnant with the future Prince Thing of Blighty  – As Royal Watcher Tiggy Winkle-Harumph told Gfb, “We can now add fecundity to Kate’s list of achievements!”

What A Glorious Day That Was

That Glorious Day….

And George will have a brother or sister to Rule!

prince george2 copy

 

 

 

 

 

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Sadly I have once again been contacted by people who have been bullied for the very bizarre reason that they have Red Hair.

Here are out some basic practical tips, phone numbers and websites you can use for dealing with bullying.

Please note the sites and numbers only relate to the UK.

If you are being bullied always remember – you are not alone and there is always someone willing to listen and help.

What is bullying?

Bullying can be physical, verbal or psychological. It includes behaviour such as name calling, spreading hurtful rumours, excluding someone from groups, taking possessions or money, hitting, pushing or kicking and unwanted sexual touch. Cyberbullying has the same effect as face to face bullying but takes place over the internet or through phones.

Bullying is often driven by prejudice and can be targeted at someone’s gender, culture, religion or perceived sexuality. Children and young people may also find themselves a target because of a disability, disfigurement, illness or hair colour.

What can I do if I’m being bullied?

  • Firstly please understand – IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Whatever the person, or people bullying you have said, this is everything to do with their negative thoughts and behaviour, and NOTHING to do with you. 
  • Talk to someone. Problems rarely get better by keeping them inside. If you can, talk to an adult that you trust – like your parent or a teacher. Talk to friends that you trust. Or, if you are scared of what might happen if you tell your parent or a friend, then contact Childline (see details below).
  • Protect yourself – if you can, avoid situations where you are likely to be bullied. Never retaliate with violent actions such as hitting or punching – this can lead to you being seriously hurt or getting in trouble yourself. If the bullying is online, block or unfriend contacts that are being abusive. Make sure you have the highest privacy settings.If you are not sure how to do this then ask for help.
  • Take part in activities that help to raise your confidence and make you feel good about yourself. Some ideas could include Guides and Scouts, cadets, drama and dance classes, art classes, exercise classes and swimming. Remember that you deserve the very best in life.
  • If the bullying is making you feel very desperate and scared then don’t take it out on yourself – get immediate help. You can contact Childline any time, night or day for support and advice.

If you need help or advice about bullying there are helplines and websites that can provide you with information and support:

Helplines

ChildLine – ChildLine is the UK’s free, confidential helpline for children and young people. They offer advice and support, by phone and online, 24 hours a day. Whenever and wherever you need them, they’ll be there. Call 0800 1111

Cybermentors – CyberMentors is a safe social networking site providing information and support for young people affected by bullying.

EACH  – EACH has a freephone Actionline for children experiencing homophobic bullying: 0808 1000 143. It’s open Monday to Friday 10am-5.00pm

PLEASE REMEMBER THERE IS SOMEONE THERE FOR YOU

 

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As you know we are always being told to have 5 a day! I couldn’t agree more!

cupboard crackhead copy

 

I recommend a Marijuana, Vodka, Crack, Speed, Smack sandwich – on locally sourced Wholegrain naturally.

No butter as it is bad for the heart.

Peace and Love

Uncle Crackhead

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Tommy Tapper, “Bodger To The Stars” provides insights into DIY.

tommy_tapper

If it can be fixed he won’t be able to do it

His manual, “Let’s Not Worry The Taxman On This Job “ is an acknowledged masterclass in the no-nonsense, no worries, no skill approach to DIY.

Here are some of his trade secrets for Painting.

1. What is the primary purpose of Painting? To express a quiet and ongoing admiration for Magnolia.

2. What is Paint made off? Painty stuff.

3. How is Paint applied? Usually poorly – in a word – slapdash.

4. Normal Paint problems? Being collared by a Jehovah’s Witness whilst painting your front door – offer a life saving blood transfusion for one of their kids at some indeterminate time in the future. They will be off quicker than saying, “We are in the area and wondered if you would be interested in…….”

5. How lazy married men use Painting to their advantage? Just say, “It’ll only take 10 minutes to slap it on.” You will be spared any further involvement – guaranteed  

 Things to consider before you Paint;

i) You cannot paint using a hammer – use a paint brush, roller or the Afro sported by your neighbour’s son in tribute to Blaxploitation movies – ask him first though.

ii) The wobbliness of the step-ladder you bought from B and Q, “‘cos it was going cheap,” but was only used as a climbing frame by mice during the great rodent infestation of ’94.

iii) Because of ii) The journey time to your local Accident and Emergency unit.

iv) Licking the skirting board does not constitute a rub down.

iv) Do not drink paint however attractive the pastel shades are to your mind’s eye – if you do see iii) above.

vi) Enjoy the phrase “Dado Rail” before haphazardly applying Gloss.

vii) Think of songs that could have the word Emulsion included in the title.
Tommy – The Happy Slapper

 

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You hear me

Then heed me!

And other nights of his dinner

Hitting the wall.

To be picked up and eaten with fingers

Namm namm….

 

Two brothers would be wise enough to be offside

My sister and I instead too damn like him to cower

A younger one, God love her

Never concerned him enough to talk to

Nor to pick on

Just the odd stray snarl

Of the beast caged in dark bars

Our Mum always a target

 

Try not to antagonise him as he’d maybe pick on someone else

Seeing your family suffer being much worse than

Being under the Dull Stupid Bloody lash

Of his forked tongue

 

You damn fool

We were your kin

While you were digging out

All we wanted was that you dug in

When they dug the hole for your ashes

Who of us there could pray

‘Our Father who art in heaven…..’

That first line had us all stumped

 

But I know it’s either

‘Love or destruction’

In this life we do get to struggle and to choose

 

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spermwithaperm

Hi Everyone!

Two words that strike fear into sperm.

Erectile Dysfunction.

Lately with him we’ve had more  chance of raising the Titanic. A diet of oily fish and Sandra Bullock films played havoc with his urgings.

Then it all changed yesterday – during a documentary about Giraffes.

Before you can say “what a load of codswallop” – his downstairs blood flow picks up – and she got more than that egg and tomato sandwich for tea!

I am one happy zygote!

Right……Ready Or Not…..Here I Come!

sperm_wiggle

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spermwithaperm

The Sperm With A Perm will be providing a regular update on his hopes and fears for impregnation.

Hi Everyone!

Been ages!

It was my cousin Tom’s 3rd minute birthday! Just imagine trying to play musical chairs with 120 million others! Takes Ages! Fold out chairs as well – took ages to set up. I prefer pass the parcel myself but everything gets a bit sticky.

No sign of impregnating an egg at the moment!

Sentient life will be great though – better than this load of bollocks! Think of it! Arthritis! Embarrassment! Laughter! Riding A Bike! Love! Having A Crush On Mother Theresa! ONIONS! Masturbation! (although would that be genocide?!)

Just gotta find that egg!

This bloody hot weather plays havoc with his juices!

Boner me beauty!

Must Go!

Right……Ready Or Not…..Here I Come!

sperm_wiggle

But I Won’t Do That!

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