Posts Tagged ‘One Direction’

Britain’s top Boy Band, No Direction, have revealed to Gfb’s Showbusiness Editor, Matt Finish that their new single  “We love you Jock. Och Aye The Noo We Do” The Thatcher Remix – will be released @ 7 am on Friday morning to celebrate the no vote in the Scottish Referendum.

The Single, a homage to all things Scottish also features on the B side the lively rap “Oi Salmond! Up yer bum with yer Referendum!”

The band hope to capitalise on the success of their last single, “Please Forgive Me Mr Murdoch” which featured the singing talents of long dead Larry Grayson!

George “Ozzie” Osbourne, said “We are really excited about this single. It’s really ballsy. Not like Ed Balls though. I hate him. He smells. And he doesn’t have servants! Just off to flog my fag.”

Simon Cowell said, “I am constipated with excitement about this single.”

He Is

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Dear AB,

I am helping my girlfriend with her maths homework. We are stuck on 6×3 –
she says it is 247 and I think it is 63.

Which of us is right?

Shane, Sydney, Oz


Take the square root of 6. Divide this by the number times you ever see three buses all of the same number and colour on the same route on the same day (this bit is important – they must be the same colour or the equation won’t work).

Sub divide by the number of Pot Noodles you and your girlfriend have eaten in the last week.

Add the two numbers together and subtract the number of times you’ve said the words “One Direction are changing the way we think about popular music in a post modernist society”.

If you’ve followed the above correctly the answer should be 12.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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“I was a victim of bullying back in school. My advice is to always tell someone straight away and ask for help. Keeping it to yourself will only be more damaging in the long run.” Liam Payne, One Direction.

Louis Evans was picked on and taunted throughout his schooldays for his bright ginger hair has beaten the bullies by creating a successful modelling career for himself. Louis has appeared on the catwalks of London Fashion Week and in the pages of British Vogue.

And it was his ginger hair, which was the reason he was bullied for years, that has made him so popular!


Louis Evans As A Schoolkid And Today

Whilst growing up he was targeted for the way he looked. ‘It was quite difficult growing up in a small town. People are very close-minded. Back at home there were stereotypes about gingers.  I didn’t let it affect me though and I tried not to let it affect my confidence.’

Some Tips On How To Deal With Bullying

If you or a friend are being bullied, it can sometimes feel like nothing can make it stop, especially if it has been happening for a long time.

Here are some practical tips, phone numbers and websites you can use for dealing with bullying.

If you are being bullied always remember – you are not alone and there is always someone willing to listen and help.

What is bullying?

Bullying can be physical, verbal or psychological. It includes name calling, spreading hurtful rumours, excluding someone from groups, taking possessions or money, hitting, pushing or kicking and unwanted sexual touch. Cyberbullying has the same effect as face to face bullying but takes place over the internet or through phones.

Bullying is often driven by prejudice and can be targeted at someone’s gender, culture, religion or perceived sexuality. Children and young people may also find themselves a target because of a disability, disfigurement, illness or hair colour.

What can I do if I’m being bullied?

  • Firstly it is not your fault! Whatever the person, or people bullying you have said, this is everything to do with their negative thoughts and behaviour, and nothing to do with you. Believe that you deserve better and seek help.
  • Talk to someone. Problems rarely get better by keeping them inside. If you can, talk to an adult that you trust – like your parent or a teacher.
  • Talk to friends that you trust. Or contact Childline (see details below).
  • Protect yourself – if you can, avoid situations where you are likely to be bullied. Never retaliate with violent actions such as hitting or punching – this can lead to you being seriously hurt or getting in trouble yourself. If the bullying is online, block or unfriend contacts that are being abusive. Make sure you have the highest privacy settings.If you are not sure how to do this then ask for help.
  • Take part in activities outside of school – or wherever the bullying is taking place, that help to raise your confidence and make you feel good about yourself. Some ideas could include Guides and Scouts, cadets, drama and dance classes, art classes, exercise classes and swimming. Remember that you deserve the very best in life.
  • If the bullying is making you feel very desperate and scared then don’t take it out on yourself – get immediate help. You can contact Childline any time, night or day for support and advice.

If you need help or advice about bullying there are helplines and websites that can provide you with information and support:


ChildLine – ChildLine is the UK’s free, confidential helpline for children and young people. They offer advice and support, by phone and online, 24 hours a day. Whenever and wherever you need them, they’ll be there. Call 0800 1111.

Cybermentors – CyberMentors is a safe social networking site providing information and support for young people affected by bullying.

EACH  – EACH has a freephone Actionline for children experiencing homophobic bullying: 0808 1000 143. It’s open Monday to Friday 10am-5.00pm.


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Britain’s top Boy Band, No Direction, have revealed to Gfb that their new single  “Energy Price Rise Hike Stomp (The Freeze To Death Remix) is set to top the Charts.

The band, currently in Manchester evicting disabled people from their homes, are confident that their new folky sound will win over new fans. As David “Cotswold Bladder” Cameron explained, “We love Mumford and Sons, waistcoats, beards and banjos! So it is Hey nonny nonny ja ja nonny – old chap! Shoot that serf please Fotheringham.  Stoke the Aga as well.”


The Boys Show Orf Their Dance Routine

The band’s spokesman George “Charlie Up De ‘Ooter” Osborne, said “We are really excited about this single. It’s really ballsy. Not like that fat prole Ed Balls though. I hate him. He smells. And he’s fat. Wanna buy a nuclear power station?”

The band’s manager Simon Cowell, who recently calmed the Oceans by raising his right eyebrow was quoted as  saying “My pants are full of poo such is my excitement around this single. Must go, The Dalai Lama needs some advice on inner peace.”


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Britain’s top Boy Band, No Direction, have revealed to Gfb that their new single  “Whole Lotta Gove” is set for release next week. The song, a reworking of the Led Zeppelin classic cock rocker is a paean to the extraordinary talents of the Education Secretary Michael “Something Odd About Him”Gove, seen here drumming with the band recently.

“Yoo need Schoolin’……”


The band are currently recording their new album, “Blame The Poor – They Smell“. The album will feature a clutch of new songs including;

Fresh Vegetables Scare Northerners

All In It Together? Mugs!

Life In The Faslane (Trident Mix)

Love Me Love My Bedroom Tax

Near And Farage (The Petty Bigot Mix)

When I’m 97 (I Can Retire)

Climate Change Denier Stomp – (Ft MC Fracker)

To Be A Jeremy Hunt (Cockney Rhyming Slang Mix)

Whole Lotta Gove

For Those About To Be A Workshy Single Parent With A Foreign Name In A Gay Marriage We Salute You (2015 Election Strategy Anthem)

As David “Pitt The Closure” Cameron explained, “This Long Player is going to be our best yet, we’ve even got MC Obama playing his Drones!” There’s a crease in my scrotum Fotheringham.”

George “Charlie Up De ‘Ooter” Osborne, simply sneered and said “Prole.”

The band’s manager Simon Cowell, who has recently confirmed that the Queen’s left buttock features a tattoo of him told us, “This album is so good that my nose fell off when I first heard it. Really. Wanna buy a watch?”

He Is

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Britain’s top Boy Band, No Direction, have revealed to Gfb that their new single  “We Need A War – Any Kinda War!” is set for release on May Day. The B -Side is a reworking of The Supremes Classic, cleverly retitled “UKIP Hurry Love”.

The band, currently Ooooop North,throwing fresh vegetables at obese people, are confident that the song marks a new direction for their music. As David “Cotswold Crib” Cameron explained, “We gonna fuck da poor and make us all greedy yet needy, d’ya feel me? Oi Chunkster, wanna carrot? Buff the Topper please Fotheringham.”

George “Charlie Up De ‘Ooter” Osborne, said “This is gonna be bigger than TB!”

The band’s manager Simon Cowell, who has recently re-wrote the entire works of Shakespeare “as it lacked oomph,” said “I am soiled with excitement about this new single. It’s got words and everything. No, really. It’s right up there with The Birdy Song.”

He Is

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Britain’s top Boy Band, No Direction, have revealed to Gfb’s Showbusiness Editor, Matt Finish that their new single  “London Inter Bank Offer Rate Blues” will be released in a few years time when we have forgotten about recent events.

The Single, a homage to the Bob Dylan classic, Subterranean Homesick Blues, is sure to fire the boys  back to the top of the hit parade! (Eventually).

The band, currently on tour anywhere but Europe,  are hoping to capitalise on the success of their last single “In The Pockets of The Bankers” which was a collaboration with top DJ, Bob “Double” Diamond.

The band’s spokesman George “Ozzie” Osbourne, said “We are really excited about this single. It’s really ballsy. Not like that fat prole Ed Balls though. I hate him. He smells. And he doesn’t have servants! Just off to flog my fag.”

The band’s manager Simon Cowell, who has lodged a legal challenge to scientists for failing to name the Higgs Boson particle after him, was quoted as saying “I am constipated with excitement about this single. Must go, the Dalai Lama is here to give me a rub down.”

He Is

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Pop guru, inventor of sunshine and keen exponent of Esperanto, Simon Cowell will shortly be launching a new Boy Band in the wake of the monumental success of One Direction.

Thank You Simon – For Everything!

No Direction, as the band are to be called, are currently STILL in the rehearsal studios two years after forming.

The band were put together by Cowell from a variety of misfits, rejects, misanthropes and clueless posh boys who auditioned on,”Laugh At Nutters On Primetime TV”.

The five members were forced into Coalition to further their inane drive for personal gratification and self aggrandisement.

No Direction From L 2 R – Barney Clegg, Richie Osborne, Barry Cameron, Harry Hunt and Glenn Alexander

No Direction’s lead singer Barry “Twat” Cameron, told Gfb’s showbiz editor, Holly Tetanus-Jab, “I am confident in five years time we will be bigger than The Wanted. More butter on my next slice of toast Clegg. I want to invade somewhere!”

Already the band’s first tour has SOLD OUT! That’s right, they have sold out the young, students, pensioners, disabled, unemployed and the sick. Quite an achievement.

Their first single “We’re All In This Together (As If You Suckers!) has been released with the specific aim of clinging on to the Number 10 spot for three more years.

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