Filthy Sea Shanty Time!

 

We love the life of a Jolly Jack Tar.  Nothing better than a day unfurling a spanker or two and gazing up into the mizzen mast and worrying about the Doldrums.

Whilst up aft for’d we pass the time by singing a shanty.

Here are a few we croon;

• Me Auld Girl’s Blowhole
• Johnny’s Tinkler Is Inflamed
• After 3 Years At Sea Duncan Is Now Dorothy
• I’ve Been Bent Over A Barrel or 2
• Tug Me Rope
• When I Rub Me Barnacles I’m Thinking Of Me Jessie
• Blow Me Back To Blighty On A Good Stiff ‘Un
• Lord Nelson Swung Both Ways

Anyway the west wind blows fare – so adieu me hearties – sing along to this classic!

 

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Arts World – Terry Cotter The Potter

Hello,

My name is Terry Cotter. I’m a potter.

I have been potterising for over 20 years and stock a wide range of ceramic goods in my shop The Potter’s Reel, down here in Lower Swell. The shop is named after my potter’s wheel which goes round and round. Like a reel. Some Art reviews….

1. Painting

The Lady of Shalott – Waterhouse’s Pre-Raphaelite painting of a woman in a canoe without a paddle.  She can’t have got very far! In fact she was probably up Sh*t creek. Wonder what happened to the Post-Raphaelites?

2. Movies

Braveheart  – Mel Gibson daubed in woad dons a dress and says, “Wee Jock McTavish, Och Aye The Noo, Bagpipes, Shortbread, Haggis, Cobber” and other terms of Jockery – shouts “FREEEEDUUUUM!” then has his innards removed by a bloke in a cap – Goes on a wee bit.

3. Music

Led Zeppelin 2 – Hobbit Lovin’ Cock Rockers Love Muscle Removal Van? Sounds good to me – lots of songs about having their lemons being squeezed – must have been Pancake day when they recorded it – Goes on a bit.

4. Literature

War Horse – Michael Morpurgo’s moving novel about a horse that goes to war. Goes on a bit.

5.Pottery

Protogeometric Style of Ancient Greece

My favourite period of Greek Pottery – it represents the return of craft production after the collapse of the Mycenaean Palace culture and is one of the few modes of artistic expression of this era known to us. By 1050 BC life in the Greek peninsula became sufficiently settled to allow a marked improvement in the production of earthenware. The style is confined to the rendering of circles, triangles, wavy lines and arcs, but placed with evident consideration and notable dexterity, probably aided by compass’ and multiple brush.

I’m going on a bit aren’t I…..and yes, I looked this up on Wikipedia.

Village News

The Village shop’s the new frozen foods section will be opened by Brad and Angelina on Saturday. Angelina has had, “Your daily shopping needs at your local Spar” tattooed on her left shoulder.

‘Til next time – The Wheel Keeps On Turning!

TCTP

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One Direction’s Plea To Scotland – World Exclusive!

Britain’s top Boy Band, No Direction, have revealed to Gfb’s Showbusiness Editor, Matt Finish that their new single  “We love you Jock. Och Aye The Noo We Do” The Thatcher Remix – will be released @ 7 am on Friday morning to celebrate the no vote in the Scottish Referendum.

The Single, a homage to all things Scottish also features on the B side the lively rap “Oi Salmond! Up yer bum with yer Referendum!”

The band hope to capitalise on the success of their last single, “Please Forgive Me Mr Murdoch” which featured the singing talents of long dead Larry Grayson!

George “Ozzie” Osbourne, said “We are really excited about this single. It’s really ballsy. Not like Ed Balls though. I hate him. He smells. And he doesn’t have servants! Just off to flog my fag.”

Simon Cowell said, “I am constipated with excitement about this single.”

He Is

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Simon Cowell Shows His Balls On X Factor!

As the new series of the X Factor starts on TV tonight, we were able to snap Simon warming up with his balls in his new passion,  Rhythmic Gymnastics.

Great control Big Fella!

“It’s all about the wrist”

Simon’s new show, “Celebrity Drowning” a reality format combining Gymnastics, Dance, Cooking and Holding Your Breath Underwater is gonna be huge!!!!!!

Yes folks – the man has balls!

Fellow judge Louis Whatshisname showed off his beam skills.

“Hello Ronan – I have an idea – Beamzone!”

Whilst new judge Foghorn Spice still has some way to go……..

“Fook me this is fookin ‘ard”

 

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John Travolta In “Saturday Night Fever Disco Chicken” (Again)

The 70’s Classic……..A disco dancing chicken and a whole lot more…..apparently Led Zeppelin were going to write the sound track. But didn’t.

 

 

 

 

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More Filthy Sea Shantys! – With Hermione Moist

Hello,

Grandpa Fightback swore that a good Shanty a day kept the hemorrhoids at bay. He lived to 105 and was never afflicted by the Chalfont Saint Giles.

GFB’s Folk and ancient lore expert Hermione Moist, rummaged in her backyard and found an old album by Toke Townley and The Tuggers, “Hand Shantys By The Shore With Sweet Deliza”.  The titles alone heave us windward into the salty spray as the Whaler hoves out of Nantucket;

There’s a Narwhal up me grapper.
I’ve been bent over a Barrel or two.
Have you dandled on Nelson’s Column?
They lowered her on me and Mary Rose.
There’s a cabin boy in me quarters.
Captain Sparrow’s marrow.
There’s never a gay pirate when you need a boost.

Here is a classic Shanty – Featured in Jaws so it has to be good!

 

 

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Sea Shanty’s To Sing!

 

We love the life of a Jolly Jack Tar.  Nothing better than a day in the rigging, unfurling a spanker or two and gazing up into the mizzen mast and worrying about the Doldrums. Whilst up aft for’d we pass the time by singing a few sea shantys. Here are a few we croon;

• There’s A Maiden With Scurvy Waitin’ For Me In Nantucket
• Break Out The Grog For Johnny’s Tinkle
• I’m Not Chesty Nancy Just Got A Touch O’Consumption
• That’s Not A Whale In Me Pocket Mary, I’m Just Pleased To See Ye
• Tickle Me Tackle Nancy
• Tug Me Rope
• When I Rub Me Barnacles I’m Thinking Of Me Molly
• Blow Me Back To Blighty Gerty On A Good Stiff ‘Un
• Sweet Judie’s Given Me Crabs

Anyway the west wind blows fare – so adieu me hearties – sing along to this classic!

 

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Shakespeare and Justin Bieber – Sausages Unite These Genuises!

One is the greatest wordsmith ever to embellish the English language. The other is William Shakespeare.

Not only do they both come from Canada but their brilliance is based upon sporting sausages upon their bonces.

Blimey! Who’d have thought –

“Alas poor Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Ooooooooohhhhhh Baby etc etc…….”

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Beyonce And Jay Z Share Their Fence With Us! All New Fences Of The Famous!

Hello!

“All the world’s a fence.”

Like doubts, we all have them or know someone who has them. Fences that is.

What does your Fence say about you?  Rotten? Gateless? No Footings?

Who knows? Who cares! 

This month legendary singer of screechy songs Beyoncé and her lovely hubby Jay Z, show us their brand new colonial fence! Both are keen horticulturists and this snaps shows the couple debating where to plant the marrows this year (We think Beyoncé will get her way!)

 

Is there a famous person’s fence you would like to see? Let us know and be entered into our prize draw!

 

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Crackhead In The Cupboard Says; “Follow Your Dreams!”

Hi Kids,

Take yer old Uncle Crackhead’s advice and follow your dreams!

 

I was a concert pianist feted all over the world for my talent and humility. But all I really wanted to be was a Crackhead In A Cupboard! And with perseverance, hard work, petty theft and a descent into hell I achieved my dream!

So kids if you work hard, really believe in your dreams then take it from me  – They Do Come True!

 

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