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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Dear AB,

I am helping my girlfriend with her maths homework. We are stuck on 6×3 –
she says it is 247 and I think it is 63.

Which of us is right?

Shane, Sydney, Oz

Shane,

Take the square root of 6. Divide this by the number times you ever see three buses all of the same number and colour on the same route on the same day (this bit is important – they must be the same colour or the equation won’t work).

Sub divide by the number of Pot Noodles you and your girlfriend have eaten in the last week.

Add the two numbers together and subtract the number of times you’ve said the words “One Direction are changing the way we think about popular music in a post modernist society”.

If you’ve followed the above correctly the answer should be 12.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Aunty Bill

6 weeks ago I was walking along Brighton Pier, whistling a cheery refrain when a seagull swooped down and pecked me in the unmentionables.

A nearby dog saw this and ambled and sniffed me “downstairs”. As the dog departed a monkey who was eating an ice cream came over and stuck the cone on me privates.

Finally a rather large Jesuit priest offered to spank me so that I could atone for my sins.

At no time did my wheelchair bound partner offer to help me fend of these attacks and ended up discussing nasty habits with Jesuit. The monkey let down her tyres and I walked off in a huff with the ice cream cone still plonked on my crown jewels.

Brighton Council called me this morning to ask when I was going to collect my girlfriend as she was still on the pier, rusting slightly and struggling with barnacle build up.

Do you think I should go and collect her or just Fedex her a tyre pump and tell her to get on with it?

Richard, Crawley

Aunty Bill Replies!

Dear Richard

I publish your letter to illustrate to other readers the damage long-term drug abuse can have on the human psyche.

The scenario you describe above has all the hallmarks of a sustained sesh on the pipe and I would strongly advise you to seek help for your addiction (and give me the number of your dealer).

Many years ago I witnessed first hand the damage class A’s can do as a similar situation happened to a dear friend of mine (without the appearance of a monkey and wheelchair I hasten to add).

Oily George (for it was he) accompanied me to the city of Hamburg for a football tournament.After spending the afternoon running away from an ex mate of the Beatles to avoid buying him a drink (another story for another time), he decided it would be a good idea to team up with a group of Mexicans and partake of a glass of Mescal.

This rapidly turned into Mescal fury and led to him to “Peyote Pete” who proceeded to liberally pour Mescal down Oily’s gullet.

I myself was in no great shape and in the ensuing imbroglio we somehow lost each other in the crowds of sozzled Mexicans. Some hours later I received a call from a panicked Oily who said he was on a train travelling through the Black Forest with no idea how he got there.

It later transpired that he was in fact in a shopping mall near the train station covered from head to toe in emulsion paint (Harvest Peach as it turned out, matt from memory).

Let this salutory tale be a warning to you Richard. Just say Nada

However if events really did unfold as you describe I’d get the hell outta Brighton and let the Council deal with it all.

If she can wheel herself to the nearest garage she can use the air line for a nominal fee (Jet garages are free) thus saving you cost and hassle of Fedexing a pump to her.

Trebles all round!

Aunty Bill

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

As the country’s leading Transgender advice columnist, Aunty Bill has helped literally thousands of people in his/her lifetime. Now out of solitary confinement for the theft of winter vegetable soup, still vehemently denied, Aunty Bill’s cell in his/her Open Prison in Worcestershire has become a beacon of hope for many.

Dear Aunty Bill,

Can you get pregnant from watching medical soap operas? My girlfriend told me this happened to her when watching an episode of Scrubs.

She says ‘cos she is pregnant I owe her 500 quid.

Do I?

L’esca’lator, Hackney

Aunty Bill Replies,

Dear L’esca’lator,

The short answer is yes.

For sometime Scientists have been aware of the link.

Low level VHF waves given off by your television set are transmitted through your girlfriend’s dental fillings and then nature takes over. Some programmes are more dangerous than others (Antiques Roadshow is best avoided unless swathed in Bacofoil.)

Although studies on this subject are still in their infancy, I would advise you and your girlfriend to attend the nearest hospital as a matter of urgency for a scan.

Althoughnot certain, she will probably give birth to a TV set, it is worth getting a scan done ASAP so you can to avoid finding out you have a healthy 20 pound 52 inch Plasma with built-in Cable on the way, ‘cos £500 won’t go far with that little baby!

Let us know how you get on.

Aunty Bill

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Regular readers of Gfb may well recall this following heart rending story from Wilma to our transsexual agony aunt, Aunty Bill.

Aunty Bill

Several days ago I met a lovely man at the Bingo. He sat with me as I played and was thrilled when I shouted “House” in my first game!

I won two hundred pounds as well!

He told me he loved me and asked me if I could lend him the £200 so he could buy some sand. I loved him and did so. He promised me that he would pay me back the next day and also give me some sand as a keep sake.

I haven’t heard from him. Do you think I have lost him? Do you want some sand?

Wilma, Portland

Aunty replies;

Dear Wilma,

It looks like you’ve been a victim of  the notorious”Bingo Bob”. Bob preys on women like yourself who frequent Bingo Halls to fuel his lust for sand. Sharp, Coarse or Fine, it’s all the same to him. He has an insatiable lust for the stuff.

When he’s got enough sand together (a hippo sized bag should suffice for his twisted needs) he creeps, yes creeps, under the cover of darkness to the beach and spends the rest of the night building phallic symbols (rather poor efforts I must admit, he sent me some pictures).

Then he buries himself adjacent to his efforts to wait for sunrise and the looks of horror and disgust on the faces of those early morning beach goers as they feast their eyes on his depraved sculptures.

You’ve had a close call Wilma. Try to forget all about it and hand your evidence to the Police.

Regards

Aunty Bill

Aunty Bill UPDATE!

A few days ago we received this letter from Wilma,

Aunty Bill,

Many thanks for your advice about Bingo Bob and his sand fetish.

Phew, that was a lucky call! Our paths haven’t crossed since.  You will be pleased to know I met another lovely man at the Bingo who fell head over heels in love with me after I won the £2,500 grand draw.

He asked me to lend him the winnings so that he could buy a rake, shovel and hoe and plant some cauliflower and broccoli to become self sufficient in vegetables. As Tony quipped to me that night, “That way I won’t be brassic because of Brassicas!” – this is just one example of his great sense of humour.

Heeding your advice I lent him the money because he didn’t want to buy any sand. He said he would be back in the Autumn with an engagement ring and a bumper crop of caulis for us to start a new life together.

I am so lucky to have met him. And it is all because of your advice!

I still have the sand if you want it.

Thanks!

Wilma

Aunty Bill doesn’t have the strength to reply………….

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Dear Aunty,

My aunty is coming for tea on Sunday. She is a very fussy eater relying on gravel and brick dust for sustenance. I do recall she nibbled on a
manhole cover at my mum’s one Xmas many years ago. Have you any recipes?

Denzil, Brixton

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Denzil,

With the world’s food supply very much on the agenda these days, it would make sense to look to alternative sources of sustenance. Insects are being touted as one solution but building materials are overlooked in the rush to feed the world’s poor.

Plentiful and ever available, soil is the base for a host of nourishing and tasty dishes.

When added to sharp sand in a ratio of two to one and bulked out with shavings of plaster board, a filling and satisfying dish is the result. Add the zest of a lemon or a few chillies for extra bite. A word of warning though! Make sure her Tetanus is up to date as eating soil based dishes can cause “complications” in the elderly.

Another favourite is carpet tiles with a mastic topping.

Simply select a few carpet tiles (blue alwayspopular) spread evenly with mastic and grill under a low heat until the mastic begins to bubble and gives off a noxious vapour.

Sprinkle liberally with sand and serve hot.

A side dish of crushed ceramic tiles in a methylated spirit dip complements this dish a treat.

I’m sending you a B&Q catalogue where you’ll find a host of products that can be sourced easily and cheaply to add that special twist to meal times.  Soil – the gift that keeps giving.

Aunty Bill

Aunty Bill’s advice on pressing matters of the heart can be read here and here!

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Dear Aunty,
My wife recently admitted to me that she has developed feelings for the jar of pickled onions in our cupboard. I am gutted and her wind is chronic. What can I do to win her back from this preserved lover?

Tim, Windhoek

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Tim

Many Women have at one time in their life experienced similar feelings. You see, she see’s the onions as little eggs that she can nurture and one day turn from little silverskins to those biggun’s that Haywards knock out a Christmas time.
It’s a bit like man’s obsession with fire (well, most of the men in here anyway, all of whom seem to be on an arson rap).
I suggest you try to wean her off her obsession by pointing out the joy found in Beetroot, Eggs and other pickled condiments and that whilst you understand her feelings (who wouldn’t?) why stick to one type of pickled condiment when there are so many others to choose from?

Fear not as this obsession will fade, as gradually everybody you know will avoid you both like the plague due to the chronic wind she will be  producing. Encourage different types of pickles as the more she eats, the more gas will be produced therefore alienating her further from those (few) friends that can still bear to stand within six feet of her without wearing a charcoal mask and an asbestos suit.

I don’t know if you smoke, possess a good head of hair or a moustache but I would suggest abstaining for the duration of this controlled experiment.

Aunty Bill

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Dear Aunty,

Hello AB

I recently found out that my man was having an affair with a frozen chicken which he keeps in the freezer in the shed. He says it is OK as
the chicken is free range and organic and can play the trumpet. Badly though.  Should I be worried?

Cerys, Ceredigion

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Cerys

Never easy to play second fiddle to a frozen bird,even one who plays the trumpet, albeit badly.

Have you tried thinking where things went so badly wrong that he has resorted to this behaviour? The fact that the chicken is organic is a blessing as it at least shows he has discerning taste. Worse if he was consorting with a value chicken or breaded goujons. At least his moral compass is still functioning,  albeit in a slightly funny direction.

I Suggest that you all sit down to dinner one Sunday and discuss this issue.  DON’T do a roast chicken as this would be beyond spiteful and could induce trauma in your man’s new beau.
I suggest a nice vegetable lasagna. In the meantime a crash course in the Tibetan Nose flute is called for.
Trumpet? Pah! any damn fool can play the trumpet.  The Tibetan Nose flute is on another level, check out the guys at your local shopping centre with the big throws over them for proof of how skillful an art this is. Both he and she will be blown away.

If all this doesn’t work unplug the freezer and watch your love rival perish a slow and painful death.Next stick the trumpet up your husbands arse and change the locks (on the doors, not his arse).

 Aunty Bill

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