Posts Tagged ‘Television’

“Kiamn vi atingas perfektecon ĉiutagan kiel mi far, estas bone ..i havi defiojn. Pasintjare mi neniu estas antan la celo de faranta perfekta fromaĝo sur tost. mi atingita ĉi tiu celo. Mi lek miaj antaŭbrakoj ĉiutaga al rememorig min kiel mirinda mi estas. Fromaĝo Esperanto? Senĝena por mi!”


(*“When you achieve perfection everyday as I do, it is good to have challenges. Last year I set myself the target of making perfect cheese on toast. I achieved this aim. If I can grill cheese then I can certainly teach the world to speak the same language. By Thursday tea time at the latest. Cheese to Esperanto? Not a problem for me!”)

Simon Cowell made the moon and created meat. Strangers suck his forearms.

He now wants the world to speak Esperanto.


The following is a sneak extract from the new series of Heaven’s Got Talent In Esperanto. Simon is judging God’s plate spinning act,

“Dio, la malfacileco mi havas kun via ago estas tio, ke mi ne povas vid granda mendado de telero spinners nunmomente. Certa, vi povas akiri koncerton sur Meditteranean kroz aŭ du sed sur nacia televido? mi hav miaj duboj. Mi vere kredi ke vi havas aĵon pri vi kvankam Dio. Mi havas okulon por ĉi tiuj aferoj! Mia konsilo al vi estas tio, ke mi vid vin pli kiel giganta koko prefere ol telero spinner. Don ĝi iuj penso, reven pli malfrue en la montr kaj RAV ni!”

Dio respond, “Vi estas tre saĝa Sro Cowell,” (Cowell kapjesoj en mecenateco) “Sed eĉ vi ne povus ĉefinstiginton Novajn Infanojn Sur la Bloka reveno, ni agnosku, ke, eĉ mi ne povus estas farita tio. Tamen, mi estos revenigi kiel koko! Susan Boyle estas seksalloga! seksalloga!”

Cowell “dir-is, ke mi estas ĝoj vi hav vid sento Dio.”


Cowell, “God, the difficulty I have with your act is that I can’t see a great demand for plate spinners at the moment. Sure, you may get a gig on a Mediterranean cruise or two but national television? I have my doubts. I genuinely believe that you have something about you though God. I have an eye for these things. My advice to you is that I see you more as a giant chicken rather than a plate spinner. Give it some thought, come back later in the show and WOW us!”

God; “You are so wise Mr Cowell,” (Cowell nods in munificence) “But even you could not mastermind New Kids On The Block’s comeback, let’s face it, even I could not have done that. However, I shall return as a chicken! Susan Boyle is sexy!sexy!”

Cowell; “I am glad you have seen sense God.”


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He didn't do well

He didn’t do well

Not that long ago, us Brits prided ourselves won being different. Original, you might say. We have original artists, poets and writers and great writers of popular music and innovative TV programmes, especially ground breaking comedy.

Known to the Americans as ‘Monnie Paethaaaan’.

 There was a time when ex-RAF fighter pilots would stroll into the office of the BBC’s Director of Comedy and say, “Morning Old Boy. I say, I’ve this terrific idea for a sit-com etc; etc;” and were told to “Go orf and put together a couple of pilot shows ( no RAF pun intended) and we’ll take it from there, arf arf”.

Like a good wine, a comedy series developed. Invariably the first series was a ‘suck it and see’ affair and probably not a huge hit with the public but the characters and writing developed in later series, producing blockbuster comedy such as the aforementioned Python, Dad’s Army, The Good Life and even The Fast Show which was, I believe, a slow starter.

In 2011 Paul Whitehouse and Charlie Higson had a swipe at the BBC’s policy regarding follow up series after the Corporation turned down their proposal for a second series of ‘Bellamy’s People’ on the basis that the first series did not pull in enough viewers. They argued, quite rightly, that this was normal for a new series.

So what do they now have to replace these little gems of innovation and comedy genius?

I’ll tell you what!

‘Celebrity Pie Throwing’, ‘Celebrity Dog Grooming’, ‘Celebrity Brain Surgery’, ‘Celebrity Bull Fighting’ (if only).

As the great Jim Royle would say,”Celebrities my arse”.

Look up ‘Celebrity’ in the dictionary and it will advise the following ‘Celebrity : A famous or well known person’.

So who are these fake tanned, Botox riddled, brain dead arseholes onto whom the epithet ‘Celebrity’ is bestowed?

Is there nothing these sad bastards won’t do to revive what was once a lack of talent teetering on the brink of a career? From munching live insects ” Oh my Gaaad, oh my Gaaad” to throwing themselves off ski slopes slightly higher than my front doorstep – “AAAAGGGHHH, Shiiiiiit” ……..and that’s just the viewers’ reaction!

There was a time when, if the BBC came up with a ground breaking idea for a programme that blew the viewing figures out of the water, ITV would say ” We’ll have to come up with something better.”

Not any more.

Take the hugely successful ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ on the BBC.

Do the ITV say “It’s a fair cop, we didn’t see that one coming, we’ll put our heads together and come up with something to counteract this success, a completely different genre;  ground breaking comedy perhaps? An award winning drama series? Animals fornicating in a moonlit jungle just as you’re sitting down to your evening meal?”

Not a bit of it.

What inspired, creative, original idea do they come up with?

“Stepping Out”………..”Stepping fucking Out”!

One can only imagine the Think Tank Brainstorming that formed this little nugget.

“Right, OK guys, I’ll like make this quick. We need like to eclipse ‘Strictly’. We all have like Media Degrees. Should be a piece of piss. Any ideas out there?”

“Well Simon, as I see it, like breaking it down into like it’s constituent parts, we have like two people and dancing.”

“And a band.”

“Yes Freddie and a band”.

“So we have like a celebrity and a dancing teacher like dancing to a band”.

“OK guys, here’s the plan. The concept. Dancing. Two people, dancing. But like here’s the really clever bit guys, the two people like know each other, they’re like, you know, husband and wife or two people who met at school and have like kissed each other or something, pfffff”.

“That’s like really cool. What’s the title?”

“How about like, ‘ Strictly Come Dancing But With Two People Who Know Each Other Like’?”

Cut to three weeks later…. “Strapping Up?”

“No – bonding insinuation”.

“Stopping Up?”

“Bit anal”.

“Schlepping Up?”

“Too Jewish”.

“Stepping Out?”

“Bang on Toby, good man”.

“Right, all we want now is like a presenter”.


” He’s already taken Robin”.

“Davina McCall?”

” Fuck it, they’ll never notice the difference”.

“Brilliant guys, job done”.

” Anyone fancy a pint?”

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Dear Fanny,

I’m in a spot of bother with the local Constabulary.

As you know Fanny, the present food trend is to forage for one’s own herbs. After a night taking part in a little wild garlic gathering on Hampstead Heath, I found myself on the wrong end of a policeman’s truncheon. After a bit of a kerfuffle, he summoned the help of his uniformed friend, whose helmet I managed to grab with both  hands before giving it a rather tight squeeze.

This only enraged the young officer. He handcuffed me to a tree where his chum layed into me good and proper! I was released and returned to my car which was illegally parked. I’ve since received a rather large vehicle recovery bill from the local force.

Do you have a nice recipe using wild garlic?

Fanny Replies;
Ah the joys of foraging! Believed to be invented in 1983, foraging has once again become a must for all celebrity chefs.

From  Hesgota Bloomincheek to the little fat Ginger Cooking God that is Anthony Whata Thieving Tosspot. They’re all at it! JUST BUY SOME F@CKING HERBS YOU TIGHT BASTARDS!

Anyway, your recipe Benny.

Nettle & Wild Garlic Soup.


Large bunch of nettles.

Ditto wild garlic.

1 sliced leek

1 finely chopped onion

1 bottle of chardonnay.

1/2 litre of vegetable stock.

Large slug of brandy.


1 large spliff


Make the soup…..in a pot….with all the soup stuff….

 ….eat the soup

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Dear Fanny,

My New Year’s resolution is to lose a few pounds in weight so the wife will let me back into our marital bed.

I’ve been inspired by our Olympic heroes over the summer and have taken up the discus. I don’t actually have a discus so I’ve cellotaped some batteries to a frisbee and painted it silver. The trouble is I’m 32 stone and I suffer from terrible chafing.

I’ve tried every cream on the market but my inner buttocks are like mince meat. Could you tell me what face cream you use to keep you looking so incredibly youthful as I think this might be of help?

 Keith from Didcot.

Darling Keith,

I’ve used a blend of Goose fat and Gin for as long as I can remember.

After my morning ablutions I apply the goose fat directly onto the face and take half a bottle of gin orally. Whilst the goose fat penetrates I will watch an episode of my favourite programme ” Jeremy Kyle”. He’s such a cad and absolutely adorable!

I think you’ll agree I don’t look anywhere near my 48 years. You could even spice up your marriage by asking your beloved wife if she’d like to smear it on the affected areas. She’ll probably need some of the Gin first though.


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Hoodly Doodly!

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Hello Folks!

Thanks to those of you who spotted this gathering of Redheads in Holland recently.

The regular reader of Gfb will note it contains two of our favourite things;

Red Hair and the Dutch!

Show it givesh ush a chancesh to write somting shtupid to shound likesh der Dutsch whilsht showing lotsh of der nishe picturesh of der Gingersh!



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Fanny By Gaslight

Hello Folks

After a spell in the Betty Turnip Clinic, for some well deserved “rest”, Gfb is pleased to announce that Fanny is Fightin’ Fit and ready to offer some more cooking tips.

Dear Fanny,

I’m throwing a bit of do to raise a few quid for a liver transplant for my Auntie Nelly, or “Yellow Nel” as she’s known to those that love her. But to be honest, there’s not that many who do.

Any idea for nibbles on arrival?

Tendai Nikamaru Madada,


Dear Tendai,

Have you considered donating one of your own livers? You can live quite comfortably with only one you know. Fortunately, I sustain a healthy lifestyle in conjunction with an enormous alcohol intake and have lived happily without a functioning liver for a couple of decades now.

Doctors! who needs ’em! And I think you’ll agree that I look good for a 38 year old.

Now back to your question dear boy.

You will amaze your guests on arrival with Bloody Mary Lollipops.


24 cherry tomatoes

Half a pint of vodka

Worcestestestestshire sauce/ Tabasco sauce

Celery sticks

Sea Salt

Cocktail sticks


Prick the cherry tomatoes all over with a cocktail stick and leave to soak in a mix of vodka/worcestestestestshire and tabasco sauce for 6 hours.

The tomatoes will soak up all of the liquor.

Cut the celery into 2 inch sticks and shave one end into a point.

Pierce each tomato with a celery spear and stick into a small cube of sharp cheddar.

Finish with a sprinkle of coarse sea salt and serve.


Yellow Nel!

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Pop guru, inventor of sunshine and keen exponent of Esperanto, Simon Cowell will shortly be launching a new Boy Band in the wake of the monumental success of One Direction.

Thank You Simon – For Everything!

No Direction, as the band are to be called, are currently STILL in the rehearsal studios two years after forming.

The band were put together by Cowell from a variety of misfits, rejects, misanthropes and clueless posh boys who auditioned on,”Laugh At Nutters On Primetime TV”.

The five members were forced into Coalition to further their inane drive for personal gratification and self aggrandisement.

No Direction From L 2 R – Barney Clegg, Richie Osborne, Barry Cameron, Harry Hunt and Glenn Alexander

No Direction’s lead singer Barry “Twat” Cameron, told Gfb’s showbiz editor, Holly Tetanus-Jab, “I am confident in five years time we will be bigger than The Wanted. More butter on my next slice of toast Clegg. I want to invade somewhere!”

Already the band’s first tour has SOLD OUT! That’s right, they have sold out the young, students, pensioners, disabled, unemployed and the sick. Quite an achievement.

Their first single “We’re All In This Together (As If You Suckers!) has been released with the specific aim of clinging on to the Number 10 spot for three more years.

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Sweet Fanny Adams

Gfb’s cookery advisor Fanny Redcrack is here to help you with some cooking tips.

As the world’s leading exponent of cooking with opiates, her world renowned Crack Of Lamb is to die for, Fanny is on hand to add some real spice to basic recipes.

She found ten minutes away from her bong to answer this query.

Eat Up!

Dear Fanny

Blancmange. What’s that all about then?

Clive Seatbelt, Merseyside.

Dear Clive.

Whilst researching my new book,”Fanny Galore! The Woman Behind The Whisk” I came across this fascinating tale.

After a successful encore of Blind Vision at Milton Keynes Town Hall, life was good for pop combo Blancmange. Their album Mange Tout was flying high at number 8 in the U.K charts and lead singer Neil Arthur, returned to the newly opened Milton Keynes Travelstay Motel determined to party.

Neil phoned reception and ordered a celebratory pudding.

The night chef had been on the Skol all night,  got a little bleary eyed and inadvertently  a dessert was born!

60ml of cornflour

1 Pint of full fat milk

Lemon rind

45ml of caster sugar

Blend 30ml of milk with the cornflour. Heat the milk, sugar and lemon to boiling point, add the cornflour mix. Bring back up to boil. Pour into ramekins. Chill for 3 hrs. Serve with fruit.

Keep Rockin!


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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

As the country’s leading Transgender advice columnist, Aunty Bill has helped literally thousands of people in his/her lifetime. Now out of solitary confinement for the theft of winter vegetable soup, still vehemently denied, Aunty Bill’s cell in his/her Open Prison in Worcestershire has become a beacon of hope for many. We hope you too may find some closure with his/her inspirational advice.

A Griddle Riddle

Hello Aunty Bill!

I like The Wire my boyfriend don’t.

We had a row about it and I hit him with the nearest metallic object that came to hand. Now his face has the indents of a griddle pan. Consequently I now find him repulsive and useful only when I want a healthy way to cook meat. Should I dump him?

Shirley, Manitoba

Aunty Bill Replies,

Dear Shirley,

Firstly, let me congratulate you on your good taste. The Wire is one of my favourites too. Filmed in Baltimore y’know.

Baltimore is where it all went wrong for me. American juries ain’t that gullible you know. My protestations that I was unaware it was a pantomime horse fell on deaf ears.

But hey! That was a long time ago and you’ve got problems of your own to be addressed.

Only really two ways out of this one Shirl and I’m gonna give it to you straight.

Guys whose faces you can cook on come along only once in a lifetime. So, it may be worthwhile hanging on to this fella and bringing him out when you fancy a nice seared Tuna steak or some other tasty low fat cutlet of meat. Imagine the surprise on your friends faces when he appears from the cupboard under the stairs to cook their favourite dish!

However if you find his facial disfigurement too ghastly to live with you maybe interested in http://www.you’llalwaysfindmeinthekitchenatparties.com– a dating service for those disfigured by kitchen accidents (check out the “Cutlery Corner” section of the site).

It may well be that he would be better off with a victim of a blender accident or some such, leaving you to enjoy the delights of The Wire on your own and for him to ride (or limp) into the sunset with a new similarly culinary challenged partner.

Only you can decide  – good luck!

Best wishes

Aunty Bill

Doctor In The House!

Dear Aunty Bill,

Can you get pregnant from watching medical soap operas? My girlfriend told me this happened to her when watching an episode of Scrubs.

She says ‘cos she is pregnant I owe her 500 quid.

Do I?

L’esca’lator, Hackney

Aunty Bill Replies,

Dear L’esca’lator,

The short answer to your predicament is yes.

For sometime now, Scientists have been aware of the link between watching medical programmes and pregnancy.

Low level VHF waves given off by your television set are transmitted through your girlfriend’s dental fillings and then nature takes over. Some programmes are more dangerous than others (How to Look Good Naked and Embarrassing Bodies are two to avoid, unless swathed in Bacofoil.)

Although studies on this subject are still in their infancy, I would advise you and your girlfriend to attend the nearest hospital as a matter of urgency for a scan.

Although it is not certain she will give birth to a TV set, it is worth getting a scan done ASAP so you can to avoid finding out you have a healthy 20 pound 52 inch Plasma with built-in Cable on the way, ‘cos £500 won’t go far with that little baby!

Let us know how you get on.

Aunty Bill

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