Little ray of non-publicity seeking sunshine Katie Hopkins is under a cloud at the moment. The Queen of mock outrage, who has a trombone for a kneecap recently visited a Food Bank in Devon with the aim of belittling “the feckless” scroungers who use it.
She lambasted a legless man for wasting the nation’s resources by buying trousers saying, “This is why the country is going to the dogs. If legless people can afford trousers then something is seriously wrong.”
A kerfuffle then ensued with a woman waiting at a nearby bus stop. For the #34 to Tiverton.
“My arse she’s waiting for a bus!” said Katie to the handily located camera, “She is probably a prostitute. She looks like one. And she is hanging about. All adds up.”
PHWOAR!!!!!
It was when Katie left the Food bank to assail a nearby roundabout for being round, that staff noticed a number of tins of marrow fat peas were missing.
An insider told Gfb newshound, Cindy Etch-a-Sketch, “Katie had just finished a frenzied sex session with Nigel Farage and needed to replenish her energy levels with marrow fat peas which you can only get at Food Banks these days. She will send a cheque to cover the cost. He is lucky. Katie normally eats the male after copulation.”
Duncan-Spliff ‘avin it laaarge…..
If you have any spare tins of marrow fat peas why not send them to Katie!
I was round Aunt Bab’s this morning adjusting her new Stenna chairlift. She was very grateful, although medically speaking there is nothing wrong with her unless being bone idle is now recognised as a medical condition.
The lift does set her new wallpaper off a treat though.
I had the inaugural journey, as I needed the smallest room. Got stuck on the landing and had to walk the rest of the way. Not exactly Neil Armstrong – can’t have everything in life.
I had a go at that Sudokio in The Sun whilst on the pot. All Those Numbers! In Boxes. Up. Down. Across. Did My Head In. Numbers are bollocks. End of.
So I rolled up the paper and swatted a fly who was banging its head against the frosted window pane.
Bit like me with the Sodokio.
I walked down the stairs.
The lads in the Dubious Pilchard were impressed when I told them of my new fitness regime. Given up crisps too. On Sundays at least.
She texted to say, “I want to be with Jason. He looks great in tan slip-ons and doesn’t possess a face that looks like Hitler’s good bollock. Can I have my Pink album back as well?”
How can I win her back?
Les, Norwich
Aunty Bill Replies;
Les,
It sounds like Denise is gone. If you follow my advice there is a chance you can still win her back. Invest in a decent pair of comfortable and fashionable shoes (Sling backs or ballet pumps are in at the moment).
Customise them by sprinkling the heels with Hundreds and Thousands. This will make you really stand out from the crowd! She will certainly know you mean business and Jason will have to raise his slip-on style to compete with you.
There’s a chance that people will throw something at you, but turn the other cheek (the one that doesn’t look like Hitler’s good bollock).
Sadly I have once again been contacted by people who have been bullied for the very bizarre reason that they have Red Hair.
Here are out some basic practical tips, phone numbers and websites you can use for dealing with bullying.
Please note the sites and numbers only relate to the UK.
If you are being bullied always remember – you are not alone and there is always someone willing to listen and help.
What is bullying?
Bullying can be physical, verbal or psychological. It includes behaviour such as name calling, spreading hurtful rumours, excluding someone from groups, taking possessions or money, hitting, pushing or kicking and unwanted sexual touch. Cyberbullying has the same effect as face to face bullying but takes place over the internet or through phones.
Bullying is often driven by prejudice and can be targeted at someone’s gender, culture, religion or perceived sexuality. Children and young people may also find themselves a target because of a disability, disfigurement, illness or hair colour.
What can I do if I’m being bullied?
Firstly please understand – IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Whatever the person, or people bullying you have said, this is everything to do with their negative thoughts and behaviour, and NOTHING to do with you.
Talk to someone. Problems rarely get better by keeping them inside. If you can, talk to an adult that you trust – like your parent or a teacher. Talk to friends that you trust. Or, if you are scared of what might happen if you tell your parent or a friend, then contact Childline (see details below).
Protect yourself – if you can, avoid situations where you are likely to be bullied. Never retaliate with violent actions such as hitting or punching – this can lead to you being seriously hurt or getting in trouble yourself. If the bullying is online, block or unfriend contacts that are being abusive. Make sure you have the highest privacy settings.If you are not sure how to do this then ask for help.
Take part in activities that help to raise your confidence and make you feel good about yourself. Some ideas could include Guides and Scouts, cadets, drama and dance classes, art classes, exercise classes and swimming. Remember that you deserve the very best in life.
If the bullying is making you feel very desperate and scared then don’t take it out on yourself – get immediate help. You can contact Childline any time, night or day for support and advice.
If you need help or advice about bullying there are helplines and websites that can provide you with information and support:
Helplines
ChildLine – ChildLine is the UK’s free, confidential helpline for children and young people. They offer advice and support, by phone and online, 24 hours a day. Whenever and wherever you need them, they’ll be there. Call 0800 1111
Cybermentors – CyberMentors is a safe social networking site providing information and support for young people affected by bullying.
EACH – EACH has a freephone Actionline for children experiencing homophobic bullying: 0808 1000 143. It’s open Monday to Friday 10am-5.00pm
I had the morning off waiting for Curry’s to deliver the new flat screen TV. It’s got surround sound, radar, sonar and a missile launching system. Naturally they didn’t turn up.
The curly Kale diet was working its magic and I was on the pot reading The Sun.
The Yanks are going to start bombing Iraq again because although we “won” and “left a vibrant, pluralistic, democratic state” behind, it has all gone a bit tits up and some Angry Lads who think they are indestructible want to set up a Caliphate (whatever that is – thought it was a camping stove) – and suppress everything that lives there – even the wind if it blows too hastily.
Now a load of Ancient Christians are stuck up an Iraqi mountain (like Moses when he nipped up one to get a few do’s and dont’s – the one about not killing is always good for a laugh) – the Angry Lads want to kill them because their version of the same God is different – largely in choice of headwear it seems to me.
Then there’s the Israeli’s – same God – different head-gear again – slaughtering the innocents and creating more Angry Lads in the process.
Jesus was up a mountain – told us to be good – talk about stating the obvious! Then he was slaughtered – on a mountain.
Fuck it – going down the Stretched Testicle for a few pints.
When I’m on the pot, I like to read a lot. It’s a man thing!
I popped round to my Mum’s this morning to put some new shelves up for her. I’ve got a drill. Don’t use a spirit level though. Don’t trust bubbles. Sinister things
Sunday’s cabbage worked its magic and I needed the facilities and read about the anniversary of the moon landings.
I remember that July day in ’69. Dad had got me up at 4 in the morning to watch him walk on the moon. Armstrong that is. Not Dad. He was in his pants and vest on the settee next to me watching the telly.
Dead impressed I was. I stuck the goldfish bowl over me head pretending to be Armstrong. There were half a dozen lads in Gravesend A and E all wearing goldfish bowls that morning. A lot of goldfish must have come to a sticky end that day.
When the bowl was off, I got a slap round the head from the Nurses, Doctors and Dad. And a passing Policeman for good measure. Kids have it easy these days. A good beating did me the world of good.
Here’s to Buzz Aldrin I thought as I reached for the toilet roll. He reached for the Stars.
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