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Posts Tagged ‘Energy Prices’

Britain’s top Boy Band, No Direction, have revealed to Gfb that their new single  “Energy Price Rise Hike Stomp (The Freeze To Death Remix) is set to top the Charts.

The band, currently in Manchester evicting disabled people from their homes, are confident that their new folky sound will win over new fans. As David “Cotswold Bladder” Cameron explained, “We love Mumford and Sons, waistcoats, beards and banjos! So it is Hey nonny nonny ja ja nonny – old chap! Shoot that serf please Fotheringham.  Stoke the Aga as well.”

morris1

The Boys Show Orf Their Dance Routine

The band’s spokesman George “Charlie Up De ‘Ooter” Osborne, said “We are really excited about this single. It’s really ballsy. Not like that fat prole Ed Balls though. I hate him. He smells. And he’s fat. Wanna buy a nuclear power station?”

The band’s manager Simon Cowell, who recently calmed the Oceans by raising his right eyebrow was quoted as  saying “My pants are full of poo such is my excitement around this single. Must go, The Dalai Lama needs some advice on inner peace.”

 

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                                                                                    Duncan-Spliff ‘avin it laaarge…..

Gfb has received a copy of a letter outlining how the Coalition will counter the surprise decision this week of Labour Leader Ed Miliband to address issues that affect people’s lives.

The Governments Plan? Screw the poor a bit more!

The letter entitled, “Have A Bang On This Little Number!” was written by the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Duncan-Spliff on parchment comprising 32 King Size Rizlas as part of the “Licking Scroungers into Shape” programme.

It reveals plans to extradite convicted benefit cheats to “Jockland” in what Duncan-Spliff calls a ‘crackdown on shirkers, shysters and roach bandits.”

“I’m not fucking having it anymore,” states Duncan-Spliff,  “These northern layabouts, disableds and lone parents are still a drain on our resources. That arsehole Osborne has nicked me bong.”

 

The letter continues;

“The schmucks amongst the voting public still believe that we’ are all in this together! If we can victimise and isolate the poorest we will still be onto something! Rupe Murdoch  is back on board as he wants to completely fuck Miliband over now that this Commie thinks that Government is meant to work for the people and not against them. What a nerve!”

The letter also outlines the success of the “Blame the darkies/slap a Frog” campaign in terms of cornering the elderly bigot vote in the Home Counties to see off the challenge of the elderly bigots in UKIP.

Duncan-Spliff’s proposals include;

• Unemployed Jobseekers will dig the tunnels on HS2 to bring down project costs. If they refuse they will be set on fire. By Simon Cowell. “Those train tunnels won’t dig them fucking selves,” Duncan-Spliff wrote.

•Disabled people’s physical and medical examinations will be held in a public gallery with three X-factor style judges scoring them. It will be a mixture of Total Wipeout and The Cube.

“The public will love it,” Duncan-Spliff notes, “A benefits system based on Reality TV! A ratings winner surely.”

• Moving the default pension age to 80. “We’ll save billions and hopefully the old bastards will freeze to death beforehand – win win!” he states.

                                                                               “I simply say…….”

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