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As regular readers will know, each year Fanny writes the same story from a prison cell in Nice, awaiting sentence for truffle smuggling. Despite the ongoing advances of Le Prison Gouveneur, she remains in good spirits (100% proof vodka).

Dear Fanny,

My wife left me this week because she found out I’m quite fond of dressing up as a quiche. This didn’t go down too well at our daughter’s nativity play and wifey chose to leave me.

Anyway, the problem is I’ve got a 32lb turkey defrosting for the big day and I’m at a loss as to what to do with the leftovers.

I’ve decided to wear a crabstick on New Years Eve!

Paul, Upper Ramsbottom.

Dear Paul.

As I write from my cell I can’t help but think of you in your quiche and what a fine sight that would be.

Unfortunately I’m resigned to spending my Yuletide in the company of miscreants. Alas all is not lost as my cell mate, Marcledreuxleix, has brewed a rather fine batch of hooch made from fermented snail urine, scrotum shavings and leftover hard boiled eggs. Mmmmmmm…………..

Boxing day Turkey, Ham, Leek and Tarragon Pie.

Combine cooked leeks, a splash of white wine, half a cup of chicken stock.

Add your leftover turkey and ham, simmer then add creme fraiche and chopped tarragon. Heat and serve topped with a (shop bought puff pastry) crispy, golden brown pie lid.

Scrummy

Merry Noel!

Le Rougecrack

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British PM David Cameron has predicted that Scotland will be under Sharia Law “within days” of becoming Independent.

Gimp Morrising

The PM speaking to Gfb’s Colin Testicle, gave the warning as the polls narrowed further in the run up to the referendum on Scottish independence on September 18th.

After his valet Timpkins had salted the PM’s boiled egg and cut up his soldiers, Cameron told Testicle, “Look here – these Jock chaps  and chapesses need to know whats going on with those Nationalist  wallahs.  They are actually a front for “The Mad McMullahs” a shadowy Islamist/Free Presbyterian ultra orthodox Abrahamic faith union who want to ban Knee length socks, cabbage and deep fried Mars Bars, which people of Scotland, I personally adore.”

slamond3

Could He Be a Terrorist?

When asked what proof he has of the existence of The Mad McMullahs, the PM replied, “Can’t say too much old bean, walls have ears and all that but safe to say take a shufty at Alex Salmond – imagine him with a beard. Yeah? Yeah? Now what about his piece of totty Nicola Sturgeon – imagine her with a beard. Obvious really isn’t it! Salmond also owns a Cat Stevens record.”

“I suspect we are going have to arm the Orange Order at this rate,” he said before belching and turning his attention to a couple of Dick Emery sketches which apparently is contingency planning for Ukraine.

"Dig The New Look Lads" - Gok Wan

Gfb asked Big Jock Al-McJock Al Kebab Shish and Salad – Imam of the Galashiels Mosque for a reply and he told us, “Cameron is a fucking idiot.”

 

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You hear me

Then heed me!

And other nights of his dinner

Hitting the wall.

To be picked up and eaten with fingers

Namm namm….

 

Two brothers would be wise enough to be offside

My sister and I instead too damn like him to cower

A younger one, God love her

Never concerned him enough to talk to

Nor to pick on

Just the odd stray snarl

Of the beast caged in dark bars

Our Mum always a target

 

Try not to antagonise him as he’d maybe pick on someone else

Seeing your family suffer being much worse than

Being under the Dull Stupid Bloody lash

Of his forked tongue

 

You damn fool

We were your kin

While you were digging out

All we wanted was that you dug in

When they dug the hole for your ashes

Who of us there could pray

‘Our Father who art in heaven…..’

That first line had us all stumped

 

But I know it’s either

‘Love or destruction’

In this life we do get to struggle and to choose

 

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Gingerfightback’s gymnastics correspondent Jamal Roly-Poly was shocked to see his Holiness Pope Francis undertake a rigorous workout on fabled hardcore gymnastics apparatus – The Pommel!

pommel2pope

The Pontiff displayed enormous strength and precision particularly in his flair kicks which Roly-Poly considered to be County  Standard.

pommel 1pope

He Has Flair

Busty Born Again Catholic Beauty, Angharad Big Baps cooed, “Not only is the Pope really nice and Holy like but he is ripped as well – wouldn’t mind getting hold of his Holy Sacraments – Phwoaaarr – Off to Lourdes for me!”

His Holy Moly Muscleyness then confounded Roly Poly with a brill session on the Rings!

GB Gymnast, Lewis Smith told Gfb – “Gotta hand it to the Big Man – no swaying from his path and always managed to keep that cheeky chappie grin intact – Go Frankie Babe!”,

rings copy

The Pope hopes to compete at the Rio Olympics for The Vatican – we reckon he would be a shoe in for Gold (But can’t think of a Pope on a Rope gag)

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Super Orange – Why The Dutch Became So Good At Football

thinker

When Dutch Football burst onto the world stage in the 1970’s, their style of play, known as Total Football stirred primal feelings in fans around the globe. As Oscar Wilde said after seeing the Dutch team demolish Belgium in a friendly encounter in Brussels in 1973, “Truly, I declare Cruyff’s genius to be worthy of my own. What do you think Dorian?”

That team’s style, grace and flair has embedded itself in the game’s folk history. So, when the Dutch played in the 2010 World Cup Final, hopes were high that Holland could take on and lick the tricky dwarves from Spain. At last we hoped, the progenitors of Total Football would get their true rewards. Yet the savagery of the Dutch performance left many a dream shattered.

But Gingerfightback remains intrigued about the rise of Dutch football from a footballing backwater to a world “Shocker” power. It is for this reason and this reason alone, that we ventured to a bong shop in Amsterdam. And in this bong shop, where one can have a bang on a right few good numbers, although we did not, a strange truth prostrated itself before us.

“Yesh, it wash a disshapointing way to play der final, over physhical and very l’il fudball,” said Wim Van Anagram, legendary member of the great 1970’s Dutch teams. Van Anagram, now a heavily built man in his sixties, flattened down his comb over before continuing, “It wash not like dat in my day. Pash and move. Alwaysh the moving and alwaysh der pashing. Datsch the way we played and datsch the way we show nearly brought da Wurld Cup back home.” He looked wistfully out of his window at the bustling city beneath him, buffing his latest hand crafted bong.

Wim Van Anagram - Scoring In The 1974 World Cup

Wim Van Anagram – Scoring In The 1974 World Cup

“Wanna bang on thish l’il number?”

I declined. He placed the now shimmering almost translucent bong in a box, then stowed it on a shelf alongside several others. Each bong had its own name. They appeared to offer very good value for money in our opinion.

Van Anagram settled into his chair and continued, “Y’know why we wash show shuccesshful?” Why for ten yearsh or show, der Dutcsh football wash the besht?”

I shook my head.

“Shorter shurnames.” Van Anagram replied.

He smiled. It was as if he was playing a joke with me in some subtle Flemish tone that I would never understand. He guffawed, “Crjiff, Krol, Rep, Haan, Neeskens, Gullit, Van Basten – truly great playersh all with der namesh dat are eashy to pronounsch. It’s eashy to forget dat before the nineteen sheventiesh the Dutcsch teams were no good. Y’know why?”

I shook my head. Again Van Anagram smiled. He leaned forward and touched my corduroys, plucking at the seams around my right knee. He then straightened, placed his hands together and very slowly began to pull them apart until his arms were fully extended. “Namesh dish long! whad da fuck?”

“Exshample. Our Naschional goalkeeper for 1954 wash a guy called Theo Van Windmillstulipshfromamshterdambingbangabongeurovishonshongcontesht. He wash a great ‘keeper but when a crosh was put into der box by the time he had shouted out his name to hish defendersh the poor feller wash out of de breath and couldn’t jump hup for da ball!”

Theo Windmillstulipsfromamsterdambingbangbongeurovisionsongcontest - in action

Theo Windmillstulipsfromamsterdambingbangbongeurovisionsongcontest – in action

“We had a right back called Johnny Rijkmusheumfreetoallentrantshonthurshdaysh, great at going forward but by the time der coach had shouted instructionsh to him it was eider half time or game up. Shimilalrly der playmaker at der time wash a player called Albert Polderzuiderzeeboywidafingerindadykeshpeedshkaterliberalattitudeshtocannabish.

Van Anagram’s features, grated by years of bong polishing wore a confused expression. The man was a vital cog, dare we say clog, in the Total Football machine built at the time.

Matters came to a head when legendary coach Rinus Michaels was appointed national team coach in the late 1960’s. The Dutch Cup Final that year was played between Ajax and Twente Enschede. The match programme, of which there are still plenty available, needed three pages to name the Ajax squad (including the legendary Left Back, Rene Vandergraffspeeyelevelsheventieshdutschdetectivesherieshshtarringbarryfoshter).The game had entered the second half before all the players names had been announced over the tannoy.

Van Anagram preparing a cheese toasted snack for us continued, “Now you shee der problem yeah? Who can shay – Oi -Vandergraffspeeeyelevelsheventieshdutschdetectivesheerieshshtarringbarryfoshter, over here on me head shun! – without being exhaushted by der procesh?”

A photo of the cheese on toast prepared by Van Anagram

A photo of the cheese on toast prepared by Van Anagram

Now I understood. Technically gifted players, strong thighs, but using so much saliva during the game merely to communicate, that they were dehydrated after twenty or so minutes. Making defeat probable.

Van Anagram checked on the cheese on toast, now bubbling appealingly under the eye level grill.

“That wash Michaelsh geniush. Shorter namesh would improve the reshultsh and allow der Dutcsch team to flourish on der wurld shtage – Do you want any shauce for your toashtie?”

I shook my head. Van Anagram took a large bite from his snack. I asked him what he was thinking about.

“Jusht memoriesh of the pasht, have anoder shlice. Good ya? Wanna buy a bong?”

It seems as if the 2014 Dutch team have returned to their attacking principalsh – they all have der short shurnamesh ash well.

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Yes folks! Those lovely people at the wonderful Long Awkward Pause blog asked for a guest post from GFB and this is the drivel I came up with. Save the Planet by burning Gingers!

gingerflash1-e1288608824120 Welcome Guest Post Author Jim O’Sullivan from GingerFightBack.com . On Jim’s page you can find:  Gingers, Poetry, Nonsense, Red Hair, Hope, and Sausages. Not necessarily in that order. Jim is a great friend of LAP so be sure to check out his site. Also, if you are a Ginger and are having trouble with bullies, Jim has some resources listed you can use as well.

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As the debate surrounding Climate Change continues, Gingerfightback can reveal that burning Gingers is being considered by Governments around the globe.

end

We have received a copy of a paper presented to a shadowy Davos Forum by Lauren Parapapompom, Head of Research for the French Government’s shadowy L’Insistitute D’Ecolologie et Humanananitaire.   The paper entitled “Gingers in a Low Carbon Future” (Ref LDEH 10/08543236/GH/ASQ/3) highlights research conducted by the shadowy Institute of Human Smouldering (IHS) that Gingers have on average fifty percent less carbon in their bodies…

View original post 652 more words

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GFB’s transport correspondent Dan Dan-The-Trailer-Man has been granted exclusive access to the proposed revised route for the controversial £50 Billion HS2 train line which aims to reduce project costs by half .

treaures

The New Route For HS2

 

When Dan Dan-The-Trailer-Man pointed out that the new route was little more than a spoof Buried Treasure Map, HS2’s Chairman Lord Knows, replied, “It may well be but at least it is a much cheaper route than the £50 Billion we propose to spunk on the current route oop north and it if we find the buried treasure we will be quids in! Har Har Jim Lad! All aboard!”

Serious consideration is also being given to build HS2 in a middle aged train enthusiast’s back garden (as the attached video reveals. Go to 3.35 for a guide to passenger comfort).

 

 

Lord Knows told us, “Building the HS2 in a back garden makes sound commercial sense and reduces project costs to a measly £38 Billion. There are problems around the shed and patio and we may have to tunnel under the compost bin, but at least we are forging ahead. Woo Woo!”

 

 

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