Numbers And How Make Them Add Up – A Self Help Guide From Aunty Bill

Dear AB,

I am helping my girlfriend with her maths homework. We are stuck on 6×3 –
she says it is 247 and I think it is 63.

Which of us is right?

Shane, Sydney, Oz

Shane,

Take the square root of 6. Divide this by the number times you ever see three buses all of the same number and colour on the same route on the same day (this bit is important – they must be the same colour or the equation won’t work).

Sub divide by the number of Pot Noodles you and your girlfriend have eaten in the last week.

Add the two numbers together and subtract the number of times you’ve said the words “One Direction are changing the way we think about popular music in a post modernist society”.

If you’ve followed the above correctly the answer should be 12.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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Are Numbers The Work Of The Devil? – By Bob On The Pot

Hello,

I was round Aunt Bab’s this morning, installing a chairlift. I had seized it from a Paralympic hero who was in arrears because of the Bedroom Tax.  You don’t expect paraplegic’s to know such colourful language.

Aunt Bab was grateful for the chairlift. She suffers with Bone Idle syndrome.

I had the inaugural journey, as I needed the smallest room. Got stuck on the landing and had to walk the rest of the way. Worn out by the third step.

I had a go at that Sudokio in the paper whilst on the pot. All Those Numbers! In Boxes. Up. Down. Across. Numbers are bastards. Sarcastic too. I swatted a fly who was banging its head against the frosted window pane. Bit like me with the Sodokioto.

I walked down the stairs and chewed Aunt Babs sandwich for her.

The lads in the Dubious Pilchard were impressed when I told them this, especially as normally I don’t like Tuna and Mayonnaise.

Laters and be lucky.

Bob

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When Bob’s On The Pot He Likes To Read A Lot (It’s A Man Thing!)

Bob Lewington here;

I was round Aunt Bab’s this morning adjusting her new chairlift.

I had seized it from a Paralympic hero who had failed to pay her Council Tax. I won’t name names but this individual’s ability to inspire a generation didn’t wash with the Magistrate.

Still Bab’s was grateful for the chairlift, although technically speaking there is nothing actually wrong with her . Being bone idle is not recognised as a medical condition.

The lift does set her new wallpaper off a treat though.

I had the inaugural journey, as I needed the smallest room. Got stuck on the landing and had to walk the rest of the way. Not exactly Neil Armstrong but you can’t have everything in life.

I had a go at that Sudokio in The Sun whilst on the pot. All Those Numbers! In Boxes. Up. Down. Across. Did My Head In. Numbers are bollocks. End of.

So I rolled up the paper and swatted a fly who was banging its head against the frosted window pane.

Bit like me with the Sodokio.

I walked down the stairs. Part of a new Olympic inspired fitness programme. The lads in the Dubious Pilchard were impressed when I  told them. Given up crisps as well. Well, on Sundays at least.

I’m on the road to Rio!

Be lucky fella.

Bob

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