A Feminist Icon I! – The Previous Lives Of Agnes Dupont

I was in Tesco’s rummaging amongst the mangoes with a view to buying one for my pudding this evening.  As I popped a fruit into my trolley, I felt a tad woozy and a touch fey.

I had an insatiable desire to free my people from the yoke of Roman tyranny.

The spirit of Boadicea, Queen of the Iceni had entered me!

I applied Brobat Blue woad and with my wonky wheeled trolley chariot, I sought vengeance on the spotty youth oppressing me with her inability to locate the dried apricots in the Storeroom.

She was no underpaid wage slave of questionable literacy and numeracy skills but a Roman oppressor!

I rented the air with a cry of “Death To The Romans!”

The Romans formed a Shield Wall using tins of Kidney, Baked and Borlotti Beans. The cunning curs!

Sadly my uprising came to an abrupt halt when the wonky wheel of the accursed trolley chariot fell off and I skidded to a halt by the tinned fish shelf (Pilchards on special offer by the way).

Mango anyone?

Regards,

Agnes

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Fanny Redcrack’s Cookery Corner – Devilled Kidneys

Dear Fanny,

My husband has taken to eating his own toe-nails and belly button fluff. When I finally discovered his dirty little secret and confronted him, he confessed that this had been going on ever since I discovered the diet book ” Ooh, you are offal, but I like you” by Seamus McButter.

I feel betrayed! Little did I know that he’d been giving his tripe porridge, testicle broth and roast pig’s spleen to the dog. No wonder it looks so pleased with itself.

Please help!

Doris, Suffolk.

 

Dear Doris.

What an ungrateful fool he is! He would need to eat the entire toe-nail clippage of the population of Wales to get the equivalent calcium content of a fried kidney.

Incidently, during my recent appearance on “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” I tried a Possum’s penis for the first time. And delicious it was! One of the presenters Ant or Dec, thought it rather hilarious.

So my dear may I encourage you to continue with your offal only diet by sending this marvellous French classic recipe of Devilled Kidneys on toast.

 

6 lambs kidneys (trimmed)

A large knob of butter

A spoon of plain flour mixed with a large pinch of paprika and a smidgeon of salt.

2 spoons of crème fraiche

1 spoon of Dijon mustard

A few drops of Worcestershire sauce

 

Coat the kidneys in the flour mixture. Melt the butter in a non stick pan and fry the kidneys for 2-3 minutes each side. Add a splash of W’shire sauce, the Dijon mustard and the crème fraiche.

Pile the kidneys onto hot buttered toast and serve with a large glass of Chianti. Et voila.

A cheap, nutritious, tasty meal for all the family, including the dog, to enjoy!

 

Le Fannoir!

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