How Do Drunk People Get Home? – By Paul Holland

Oh, but how do drunk people get home?
I wonder
But…
How do drunk people get home?
My careening well…
Scars and scurf
And a long whole ago
….that pill in the morning in the clinic
that pill…
Hmm…
But how do drunk people get home?
I met the man with the box of frogs and had occasion to ask him
Feeling that the rain would stay off a while
as I sheltered under his hanging umbrella
He was too busy to answer
Much too busy,
The boxing of frogs and the herding of cats
Taking up
Way way too much of his time!
But it’d come to a pretty pass
If the only weavers of dreams left to us
Were to be the joke of the bank
(Their jokes are cruel)
And the many sellers of smoke
They there
Still there
There in the glam of the threadbare glade.

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I Am Turning Into A Cat But Feline Fine – Help Me Oily George!

Hello Oily,

Several weeks ago I went to a health spa and had the nose spore cleansing that uses Siamese cat spittle as the cleansing agent. My nose has never been so shiny!

However since then I am becoming increasingly feline in my daily activities. Nocturnal, urinating over furniture, munching on mice and not really giving a shit. I have also developed a taste for licking my bottom in front of the TV.

My man has put a bell around my neck.

Do you think I should ask for my money back?

Tiddles, Avondale

Oily Replies;

Tiddles

This problem screams to me of someone who ain’t getting any.

Not surprising if you have allowed your pink canoe to go unused. My lady loveboy is always kept well manicured. In fact I insist on helping in this task myself using my own personal bag of tricks to aid him. I will send you one of these Lovebags on receipt of £ 39.99 plus p&p and a DVD of you and your girlfriend at the masseurs all hot and lithesome and……

Ahem oops..sorry I got sidetracked. Slightly. God is it hot and clammy in here or is it just me?

Anyway poppet the important thing is that once that lawn has been mowed and your punanny pavement has been pounded, the world will seem a much better place.

Have a saucer of milk to get you in the mood…..

Oily

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Michael Jackson, Moonwalking and Cats Don’t Mix – By Bob On The Pot

Hello,

I visited my sister Roberta a fortnight ago to help her gangly wastrel partner Darren, a man who once tried to steal my roof, plumb in their new washing machine.

What I know about plumbing you could scrawl on the Dalai Lama’s pubic hair, but how can I refuse little Sis?

All the bending and straining plus the three cabbage a day diet worked its magic, so I left Darren battling the cold feed, tucked Roberta’s Cosmo under me arm and paid a visit to the facilities.

I learned that blandness is now a recognised cognitive disorder and that a woman from Argentina recently had her left kneecap shaped into the face of Michael Jackson. My veruccas tingled when I read this. Great fan of old Whacko I am. But here’s a tip from Uncle Bob.

Never Moonwalk after you have defecated and still have your trousers around your ankles. You will look stupid and the chances of having a cat break your fall are extremely rare.

I count myself lucky that Ernie, their dopey Tomcat was lounging to no effect outside the toilet and cushioned the impact of my fall.

After several flushes to send my waste (and parts of squashed Ernie) on its way to the Thames, I returned to Darren, now using extraordinarily fruity language as he engaged the hot feed.

Ernie’s whereabouts remain a mystery. Reckon I’ll keep quiet on that one. No point upsetting everyone.

The washing machine works a treat though. Every cloud and all that…………

Laters

Bob

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The Op Was A Disaster And Now I Am Part Sheep! – Help Me Aunty Bill!

Hello Aunty

I recently had a new leg sewn on. Unfortunately the surgeon had been on the ale for several days and sewed a leg of lamb on by mistake. Whilst this caused initial embarrassment my boyfriend said not to worry as his head is made of cauliflower and his elbows are made of roast potatoes.

He said he always fancied roasting me and the leg of lamb just seems to spur him on.

Should I be worried?

Baaarbaaara, Sheppey

Dear Baaarbaaara;

I wouldn’t be too worried, this is early days and after allowing the leg to knit fully, a bit of lop sided walking should be possible with the aid of a shepherds crook for support.

Ewe should be aware that in less developed countries where prosthetics are in their infancy, animal/vegetable substitutes have been used for many years to replace missing or deformed body parts. In the Ewe K it’s still a relatively new form of surgery and considerably cheaper than going for the real thing.

Whilst out and about you’ll attract attention and the odd barbed comment but a quick word from the cauliflower kid and dig in the ribs from his Maris Pipers should avoid any unpleasant incidents.

You may be interested in reading the story of the Kathmandu Ken, the blind postman, who had the head of a domestic cat transplanted on to his shoulders after attending the vet instead of the local hospital (an easy mistake to make if you can’t see). His inspiring stories of being able to see in the dark, chase mice for food, sleep for 18 hours a day and clean his own arse make for truly inspiring reading.

Just keep the mint sauce under lock & key as you don’t want to be a midnight feast for your root cropped beau.

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Here Is Theat Happy Goose Again And Another Old Favourite To Tickle Your Fancy

Hello,

Rain is on the way, Tomcat Fightback has fallen asleep in a saucepan and my feet are cold.

So here is that Happy Goose again!

And here is the brilliant Spanish Fresco restoration from last year!

Hope they tickle your fancy as much as mine!

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A Porn King’s Beauty Tips – Oily George

Feline a bit Catty?

Hello Oily,

Several weeks ago I went to a health spa. I had a lovely time and a right good pampering. I really enjoyed the sauna and steam rooms and also the special nose spore cleansing that used Siamese cat spittle as the cleansing agent. My nose has never been so shiny!

However, recently I have noticed that I am becoming increasingly feline in my daily activities. Sleeping a lot, urinating over furniture, scrabbling around after mice under the bed and running after imaginary foes. Oh, and I have developed a taste for licking my back passage in public.

My man has put a bell around my neck as well in case I get lost up the tree.

Do you think I should ask for my money back?

Tiddles, Avondale

Oily Replies;

Tiddles

This whole problem screams to me of someone who ain’t getting any.

Not surprising if you have allowed your pink canoe to go unused.  My lady loveboy is always kept well manicured. In fact I insist on helping in this task myself using my own personal bag of tricks to aid him. I will send you one of these Lovebags on receipt of £ 39.99 plus p&p and a DVD of you and your girlfriend at the masseurs all hot and lithesome and……

Ahem oops..sorry I got sidetracked. Slightly. God is it hot and clammy in here or is it just me?

Anyway poppet the important thing is that once that lawn has been mowed and your punanny pavement has been pounded, the world will seem a much better place.

 Oily

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Pointless Ginger Wig Adaptations – #10 The Godfather

“Tonight he swims wid da Gingers”

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When Bob’s On The Pot He Likes To Read A Lot (It’s A Man Thing!)

Hello Bob Lewington here,

I was round Lynn my sister’s this weekend to help her fella Darren creosote their garden fence. There is little love lost between Darren and me.  Several years ago I caught him trying to steal my living room window.

But Lynn asked for my help and how can I refuse?

The curly Kale worked its magic, so I tucked Lynn’s Cosmopolitan under me arm and paid a visit to the facilities.

I read about how the pleated sleeve is big this year and how an actress whose name escapes me overcame shoe disorder syndrome to get her life back on track. I’m a slip-on man for what it is worth.

There was also a story about how Melanie a 34 year old events planner from Balham, had her life saved by her pet cat Snappy. Apparently Mel had fallen down the stairs at home and had broken her ankle, tibia, hip, six ribs and neck.

Snappy dialled the emergency services, administered CPR and prepared a poultice using nothing but everyday herbs and spices found in the modern British kitchen.

Melanie has made a full recovery thanks to Snappy’s speed of thought and First Aid training. I am allergic to cats. They bring my rash out something terrible.

The creosoting went well apart from Darren trying to steal his own fence. He has issues.

Be lucky.

Bob

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