“I Was Taking Drugs For Britain!” Says Crackhead In The Cupboard

Hi Kids,

It is your duty to take drugs!

 

As the Government now includes proceeds from drugs and prostitution in official statistics I am proud that my Crack habit has helped pull the country out of recession. I’m not sure how statisticians arrived at these figures (exhaustive research must have been undertaken).

Prostitution should no longer be seen as drug addled women being pimped by scum to pay for their heroin addiction but as a bold, nay noble effort to get the country back on its feet, up against a wall or in a car or in a bus shelter…..

Makes ya proud to be British!

Beats me why would Scotland wish to become independent!

Uncle Crackhead

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A Feminist Icon I! – The Previous Lives Of Agnes Dupont

I was in Tesco’s rummaging amongst the mangoes with a view to buying one for my pudding this evening.  As I popped a fruit into my trolley, I felt a tad woozy and a touch fey.

I had an insatiable desire to free my people from the yoke of Roman tyranny.

The spirit of Boadicea, Queen of the Iceni had entered me!

I applied Brobat Blue woad and with my wonky wheeled trolley chariot, I sought vengeance on the spotty youth oppressing me with her inability to locate the dried apricots in the Storeroom.

She was no underpaid wage slave of questionable literacy and numeracy skills but a Roman oppressor!

I rented the air with a cry of “Death To The Romans!”

The Romans formed a Shield Wall using tins of Kidney, Baked and Borlotti Beans. The cunning curs!

Sadly my uprising came to an abrupt halt when the wonky wheel of the accursed trolley chariot fell off and I skidded to a halt by the tinned fish shelf (Pilchards on special offer by the way).

Mango anyone?

Regards,

Agnes

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Can Pornography and Feminism Ever Be Bedfellows? Oily George Answers

Mr George,

I find you crass, sexist and misogynistic. You merely replicate the phallocentric male plutocracy that has kept women down for years and stopped us from shattering the glass ceiling. Your films are disgusting, crude and that scene with the lesbian nuns and the blow up Pope…….well I don’t need to tell you how disgusting and blasphemous that was. I had to watch “Sweaty Confessional Sex Slave III” several times just to make sure I wasn’t mistaken about this filth. All in all you should be ashamed and educated in the physiology of sexual organs and made to colour in Andrea Dworkin’s wonderful pop up and paint by numbers classic “Chop Off That Cock Sister!”

There, I said it. Up Yer Bum you big bag of bollocks

Tamara, Bucharest

Tamara I sincerely apologise but please do not be bitter, you were simply not suited for my white collar crime thriller ‘Glass Floors and No Knickers’.

In fact as I lie here having my penis freshly pixillated I surmise that it is your refusal to take it the wrong way that is at the root of your problems. Loosen up girl, the rest of the convent have no such hang ups!

Oily

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