Moby Dick Makes Me Sick! By Agnes DuPont

We hope you remain as amazed as we at the previous lives of Agnes DuPont!

Hello People,

It is great to be here to share with you my previous lives.

Last week I was a Sperm whale for a few hours.

I know this because I am still very partial to plankton and shed a tear at the end of Free Willy 2.

I even swallowed a man in Asda! (I was looking for dental floss. The plankton gets stuck between the teeth you see.)

He is quite comfy. So don’t worry.

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese late at night……….I would beg to differ.

Call me Ishmael

Regards,

Agnes

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A Feminist Icon I! – The Previous Lives Of Agnes Dupont

I was in Tesco’s rummaging amongst the mangoes with a view to buying one for my pudding this evening.  As I popped a fruit into my trolley, I felt a tad woozy and a touch fey.

I had an insatiable desire to free my people from the yoke of Roman tyranny.

The spirit of Boadicea, Queen of the Iceni had entered me!

I applied Brobat Blue woad and with my wonky wheeled trolley chariot, I sought vengeance on the spotty youth oppressing me with her inability to locate the dried apricots in the Storeroom.

She was no underpaid wage slave of questionable literacy and numeracy skills but a Roman oppressor!

I rented the air with a cry of “Death To The Romans!”

The Romans formed a Shield Wall using tins of Kidney, Baked and Borlotti Beans. The cunning curs!

Sadly my uprising came to an abrupt halt when the wonky wheel of the accursed trolley chariot fell off and I skidded to a halt by the tinned fish shelf (Pilchards on special offer by the way).

Mango anyone?

Regards,

Agnes

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Einstein A Go Go – The Previous Lives Of Agnes Du Pont

Hello People,

A few years ago I spent a most enjoyable fortnight reincarnated as Albert Einstein. It was great being brainy for a while.

During my time as Albert Einstein I discovered that light has slowed down a bit. This is good news for all those who rely on torches to see in the dark as the batteries will last longer.

I also invented the dashes to add to the dots in Morse Code which up to that point hadn’t worked very well. As you can see, —…— tells a whole different story!

Yep, It Was Fun Being Albert Einstein.

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese late at night……….I would beg to differ. I was there.

Regards,

Agnes

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Sauron As A Sausage? My What A Big Ring! Sausage Requests #46

Hello

This week’s request comes from a great friend of GFB, the wonderful Sue and her brilliant blog Lost In China which you can find HERE! – have a look – she will crack you up.

MORDOR – The very name causes hippies to set their bongs down.

SAURON – The Evil One, a man with a mighty big ring – The Evil Lord who – through his all seeing sausage (Pork with Apple) – sought to smite the smoten and throw the world into saturated fatty food  bondage……..(enough of this drivel).

As a bonus, here is evil Wizard SARUMAN drawing dark magical powers from his Quiche of DOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!

IS THERE ANYONE OR ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE A SAUSAGE ADDED TO? LET ME KNOW!

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I Was The Queen Of The Iceni In Tesco’s! – The Previous Lives Of Agnes Dupont

Agnes DuPont is back with more tales from her previous lives!!!!!! Read other lies here and here!.

Hello,

Recently I was in Tesco’s rummaging amongst the mangoes with a view to buying one for my pudding later that evening.  As I popped a fruit into my trolley, I felt a tad woozy and a touch fey.

I had an insatiable desire to free my people from Roman tyranny and build a new by-pass around Colchester!

The spirit of Boadicea, Queen of the Iceni had entered me! (Some of you may know her as Boudica. I don’t know when her name changed. It was the same when Peking changed to Beijing, Bombay to Mumbai and Swindon to The Barcelona of Wiltshire). But I digress.

Within minutes I was scurrying down the cheese aisle in my chariot, courgettes affixed to each wheel to hobble any Roman oppressor. On I rode, scything down the enemy,  my face now tinted the tint of blue woad tinty stuff from a toilet block.

A scream, nay ululation invoking the ancient Druid Gods saw me rent the air to tackle these Roman curs. With a cry of “Death To The Romans”, I sped through the automatic doors, into the sunlight and trundled toward freedom, shattering their yoke of tyranny.

Sadly the trolley wheel locking device was activated as I exited the car park and the lardy centurions of G4S ended my uprising.

The Magistrate deferred the sentence of Crucifixion to 120 hours of litter picking on the A13. I did get my pound back for the trolley though.

But, no longer will I be enslaved by men in sandals, togas and sporting French Crops!

You may think I am a fantasist ………..I would beg to differ.

Mango anyone?

Regards,

Agnes

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I Was Napoleon! – The Previous Lives Of Agnes Dupont

Agnes DuPont tells us more about her previous lives!!!!!! Read other lies here and here!.

To connect with previous lives, Agnes eats cheese and brocoli. Separately.

Hello People,

Last Wednesday I was in the Greengrocer’s buying apples, oranges, parsnips and bananas.

As I was handing over my money to Barney the Greengrocer, a very nice man with knock knees, I felt a tad woozy and wobbly. When it had gone, I was on the floor, legs akimbo, surrounded by root vegetables, but with an overwhelming urge to conquer Europe.

The spirit of Napoleon Bonaparte had entered me!

He really is a cheeky little Corsican is Boney! Before I could say “Not tonight Josephine” I boarded the 149 bus and set an eastward course to conquer Austria and Hungary whilst at the same time devising a metricated measuring system and perfecting the kiss curl.

I think i was accompanied by my Imperial Guard – all fine brocaded men sporting heavy calves and brandy breath.

As I hummed the fine Abba tune “Waterloo”, (little was I to know!) my epic journey of conquest was cut short when the bus broke down outside the Duke of Wellington in Shoreditch High Street. Ironic really.

I had to walk home but finally understood the wonders of the metric system.

No longer will I be enslaved by the ounce!

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese and broccoli long into the night……….I would beg to differ.

Regards,

Agnes

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The Previous Lives Of Agnes DuPont

 

We welcome Agnes DuPont to tell us more about her previous lives!!!!!! Her first instalment can be read here

To connect with previous lives, Agnes eats cheese.

PLEASE DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME AS CHEESE IN THE WRONG HANDS CAN BE LETHAL.

Hello People,

A few years ago I spent a most enjoyable fortnight as Albert Einstein. It was great being brainy for a while.

During my time as Albert Einstein I discovered that light has slowed down a bit. This is good news for all those who rely on torches to see in the dark as the batteries will last longer.

The formula E=MC2? It doesn’t mean anything. Albert just thought the letters sounded nice when arranged like that. Apparently it could have been P=KF2 – too clunky in his opinion.

I also invented the dashes to add to the dots in Morse Code which up to that point hadn’t worked very well. As you can see, —…— tells a whole different story!

Yep, It Was Fun Being Albert Einstein.

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese late at night……….I would beg to differ. I was there.

Regards,

Agnes

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The Previous Lives Of Agnes DuPont

Agnes Claims To Have Been A Monkey Once

We welcome Agnes DuPont to tell us about her previous lives!!!!!!

To connect with previous lives, Agnes eats cheese.

Just one chomp on some cheese (any variety apart from Goat’s cheese – too acidic apparently) and  WHOOSH! she connects with her past.

We hope you are as amazed as we at the previous lives of Agnes DuPont!

Hello People,

It is great to be here (well for the time being anyway – goodness knows where my cheese munching will take me next!) to share with you my previous lives.

A few years ago I was a whale.

I know this because I am still very partial to plankton and shed a tear at the end of Free Willy 2.

Why, only last week I swallowed a man in Asda! I was looking for dental floss. The plankton gets stuck between the teeth you see.

He is quite comfy. So don’t worry.

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese late at night……….I would beg to differ.

Regards,

Agnes

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Ginger Mysticism – With The Mystic Milkman

 

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with various degrees of accuracy for a number of years now.

I am Up with the Lark, delivering milk in my hometown of Devizes. I also deliver eggs, orange juice, potatoes, bread (wholemeal mostly but the occasional white sliced) and yoghurt.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. The Queen will be sporting sideburns by November.

2. Something to do with thighs will occur on October 17.

3. Nervous people will no longer be from September 25.

4. Prince Harry will get his todger out. Again.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Pete in Ellesmere Port,

Marie says that you will find the nail clipper under the sofa.

Dieter in Munich

Wolfgang wants you to know that the mayonnaise is past its sell by date

Noel in Auckland

Peter says the potatoes are boiling over.

Pablo in Madrid

Gloria says having a verucca isn’t the end of the world. Brad Pitt is plagued with them!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

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Ginger Beauty – With Oily George

Hello Reader!

After a summer break in Calipornia, Gfb’s Beauty Therapist and Advisor, Oily George is back to provide you with advice on issues of personal hygiene, appearance, making dirty films and romance. His Oil Highness is here to help.

Summer Bonkbuster!

Dear Oily,

I have long admired your erotic masterpieces and  am considering making a big budget version of your 80’s classic “Tug My Love Muscle II” – That funny looking lad who plays vampires a lot and that skinny girl from Harry Potter’s Thingymajig are both up for the lead roles. She is in the gym undergoing a wrist strengthening programme.

I just wanted to know what Best Boy you used in the film and what was your Key Grip?

Marty says hi too!

Steven Spielberg, Hull

Oily Replies;

Stevey Baby!

Did the ointment work?

Key Grip is easy – always use the overarm under shuffle five knuckle twister. But never, I repeat never, use the ballsack as a prop.

Remember when Bobby did that in Mean Streets?  I haven’t laughed so much since Marlon got his nuts caught in the mangle. OUCH!

Best Boy? Being an equal opportunities employer,  I always employ two girls to be my Best Boy. Twins. Swedish. Blonde. 18. I’ll pass on their number. It works for me.

Intermittently.

It’s an age thing.

Much love to Marty.

Tell him I have the photos under lock and key, nothing for him to worry about.

Oily

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