I was in Tesco’s rummaging amongst the mangoes with a view to buying one for my pudding this evening. As I popped a fruit into my trolley, I felt a tad woozy and a touch fey.
I had an insatiable desire to free my people from the yoke of Roman tyranny.
The spirit of Boadicea, Queen of the Iceni had entered me!
I applied Brobat Blue woad and with my wonky wheeled trolley chariot, I sought vengeance on the spotty youth oppressing me with her inability to locate the dried apricots in the Storeroom.
She was no underpaid wage slave of questionable literacy and numeracy skills but a Roman oppressor!
I rented the air with a cry of “Death To The Romans!”
The Romans formed a Shield Wall using tins of Kidney, Baked and Borlotti Beans. The cunning curs!
Sadly my uprising came to an abrupt halt when the wonky wheel of the accursed trolley chariot fell off and I skidded to a halt by the tinned fish shelf (Pilchards on special offer by the way).
Sadly I have once again been contacted by people who have been bullied for the very bizarre reason that they have Red Hair.
Here are out some basic practical tips, phone numbers and websites you can use for dealing with bullying.
Please note the sites and numbers only relate to the UK.
If you are being bullied always remember – you are not alone and there is always someone willing to listen and help.
What is bullying?
Bullying can be physical, verbal or psychological. It includes behaviour such as name calling, spreading hurtful rumours, excluding someone from groups, taking possessions or money, hitting, pushing or kicking and unwanted sexual touch. Cyberbullying has the same effect as face to face bullying but takes place over the internet or through phones.
Bullying is often driven by prejudice and can be targeted at someone’s gender, culture, religion or perceived sexuality. Children and young people may also find themselves a target because of a disability, disfigurement, illness or hair colour.
What can I do if I’m being bullied?
Firstly please understand – IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Whatever the person, or people bullying you have said, this is everything to do with their negative thoughts and behaviour, and NOTHING to do with you.
Talk to someone. Problems rarely get better by keeping them inside. If you can, talk to an adult that you trust – like your parent or a teacher. Talk to friends that you trust. Or, if you are scared of what might happen if you tell your parent or a friend, then contact Childline (see details below).
Protect yourself – if you can, avoid situations where you are likely to be bullied. Never retaliate with violent actions such as hitting or punching – this can lead to you being seriously hurt or getting in trouble yourself. If the bullying is online, block or unfriend contacts that are being abusive. Make sure you have the highest privacy settings.If you are not sure how to do this then ask for help.
Take part in activities that help to raise your confidence and make you feel good about yourself. Some ideas could include Guides and Scouts, cadets, drama and dance classes, art classes, exercise classes and swimming. Remember that you deserve the very best in life.
If the bullying is making you feel very desperate and scared then don’t take it out on yourself – get immediate help. You can contact Childline any time, night or day for support and advice.
If you need help or advice about bullying there are helplines and websites that can provide you with information and support:
Helplines
ChildLine – ChildLine is the UK’s free, confidential helpline for children and young people. They offer advice and support, by phone and online, 24 hours a day. Whenever and wherever you need them, they’ll be there. Call 0800 1111
Cybermentors – CyberMentors is a safe social networking site providing information and support for young people affected by bullying.
EACH – EACH has a freephone Actionline for children experiencing homophobic bullying: 0808 1000 143. It’s open Monday to Friday 10am-5.00pm
Like doubts, we all have them or know someone who has them. Fences that is.
What does your Fence say about you? Secondary Picket? Loosely Hinged? A Godfather? Weak Footings?
Who knows? Who cares!
This month sees Peter Capaldi fill the boots of the Time Lord and begetter of utterly incomprehensible, contrived and convoluted plots – Doctor Who!
The BBC allowed Gfb’s Sci-Fi correspondent, Cedric Must-Get-Outmore, access to the Set and he managed to take this snap of The Doctor fighting new baddies The Creosoters.
My fence is Ronsealed!
Last time Benedict Cumberbatch shared his Closed Border Fence with us. Looks like he and the Doc share a passion for the CBF!
I love my next door neighbour. He is no oil painting (most people who see him have a gag reflex) but I cannot stop thinking about him and his train set. He has a scale version of London Kings Cross station in his back garden.
I was thinking of getting him something for his train set as a way to break the ice as it were.
What would you suggest?
Emily, Bashley
Aunty Bill Replies;
Dear Emily,
This takes me back to the days when I had a train set.
Dad was seldom home so we had to run round the garden making train noises and wearing baseball hats pretending we were Casey Jones.
My “Uncle Des” insisted we wore baseball hats and nothing else, he said it was more “authentic”. Never saw Casey Jones with his overalls off though.
Anyway, pigeons would be the ideal icebreaker for your train loving heart-throb. He can place them around his garden to add authenticity. Chuck in some stale bread rolls, a half eaten bag of Cheesy Wotsits and scatter vomit in the raised beds to provide a true diet of the London pigeon.
To add an even greater air of Dickensian squalor, ensure that some of the flock should have a missing leg, eye or even a wing that doesn’t flap properly.
Pigeons healthy and deformed, are widely available and will really set the scene. He will love you forever!
I was in Tesco’s rummaging amongst the mangoes with a view to buying one for pudding later that evening. As I popped a fruit into my trolley, I felt a tad woozy and a touch fey.
I had an insatiable desire to free my people from English tyranny!
The spirit of Joan of Arc, Maid of Orleans had entered me!
Within minutes I was scurrying down the World Foods aisle in a hastily applied armour of Nan bread and fresh vegetables (some well beyond their best before date) with a baguette lance in my hand.
On I charged, scything down the enemy (Broad beans are handy in a fight).
I screamed, nay ululated, invoking God to rid France of these English pigs. I sped through the automatic doors, into the sunlight and trundled toward freedom, shattering their yoke of tyranny.
Sadly the trolley wheel locking device was activated and the lardy security guard, bearing his epaulettes proudly, ended my uprising.
The Magistrate deferred the sentence of burning at the stake to 120 hours of litter picking on the A13. I did get my pound back for the trolley though.
You may think I am a fantasist ………..I would beg to differ.
At last GFB can answer the conununununudrum that art lovers have been asking, “How did he do it?”
With A Sausage!
As the picture below reveals, Jacko (to his mates) daubed, dabbed and splatted his way to artistic glory using the humble banger.
Jackson and his sausage working on Number 11
In the upcoming book, “The Art of Sausage – Meat and Mayhem,” author Lester Mould reveals that Jackson experimented with Frankfurters, Bratwursts and Chorizo before settling on the good old Irish Banger for his applications.
“Jackson discovered the Irish Banger had a greater flicking distance, dribbling capacity and splatter power than more porous American sausages of the time. Just imagine if he hadn’t developed the Sausage techniques he may have continued in his quest to find the perfect way to apply paint using cauliflowers. Lucky for us he did!”
Last night I applied hair volumiser to my pubic region. I woke up this morning with a crotch so bouffant that I can’t put my pants on.
I have a big date with Natalie from accounts tonight, was hoping to take things to the next level – but what is she going to think when I drop me strides and mr pubic Afro pops into view?
Worried Les
Oily Replies;
When pondering these problems I like to slither into my bath, lay myself in Extra Industrial Castrol and let nature take it’s course. I do all my best , ahem, pondering in the bath.
I then retire to the drawing room donning my ‘Noel Coward Rocks My World’ silk dressing gown and matching slippers, sip a brandy and ponder further the problems that beset my poor readers.
Shave the offending pubes into the shape of something meaningful to Natalie, something that will make her realise she is with a man who has empathy and isn’t afraid to show his feminine side.
The following are some suggestions of the images that most speak to the sweet little things;
A flower
A fluffy kitten playing with a ball of string
A 6 month old baby gurgling in a pram in a summer’s meadow with the sun blazing down.
An ironing board.
Cutting your mangy pubes into any of the above is a romantic gesture and would win over the hardest of hearts and ensure you get your oats.
If it doesn’t then she’s obviously a lesbian. If that’s the case get your camcorder and follow her home…..I pay big money for such footage.
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