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Posts Tagged ‘Adult Humor’

 

We love the life of a Jolly Jack Tar.  Nothing better than a day unfurling a spanker or two and gazing up into the mizzen mast and worrying about the Doldrums.

Whilst up aft for’d we pass the time by singing a shanty.

Here are a few we croon;

• Me Auld Girl’s Blowhole
• Johnny’s Tinkler Is Inflamed
• After 3 Years At Sea Duncan Is Now Dorothy
• I’ve Been Bent Over A Barrel or 2
• Tug Me Rope
• When I Rub Me Barnacles I’m Thinking Of Me Jessie
• Blow Me Back To Blighty On A Good Stiff ‘Un
• Lord Nelson Swung Both Ways

Anyway the west wind blows fare – so adieu me hearties – sing along to this classic!

 

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NANSTACK in Basildon

Ian Drunken-Spliff – Secretary of State for Knobheadedness has employed IKEA to develop a revolutionary stacking system to warehouse Pensioners.

The system, known as “NANSTACK” is believed by Drunken-Spliff to offer a radical new way of reducing adult care costs.

Ian Drunken-Spliff

Drinken-Spliff said, “Like the cripples and dossers who are ruining this country, old fuckers clog everything up from hospitals to buses. It needs sorting. NANSTACK is a highly efficient way of housing these old farts. They will be tightly packed to keep warm – important as there will be no lighting or heating thus demonstrating our Green Credentials! It also cures loneliness! Furthermore think of all the houses freed up for Buy t0 Let Landlords like me to snap up! Am I a fuckin genius or what!”

Drunken-Spliff then went for a shot of morphine.

As the pictures below show, Pensioners can be loaded onto lorries for transit to the stacking centres prior to the allocation of their cosy shelf!

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War War 2 hero Derek Sponge receives the gratitude of a nation

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Derek being lodged @ NANSTACK Worthing

Per Abba-Arrival from IKEA told Gfb’s Lucy Gammon, “The trials have gone well. The only sticking point is the amount of mince per meatball in the daily feeding.”

Anita Dayglow OBE, Chief Executive of Elderly UK told Gfb, “Do you want to buy a raffle ticket? First prize is a blanket!”

 

We Are All In It Together

 

 

 

 

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Fans of hit TV show, The Great British Bake Off were delighted to hear that Baking Guru, Mary “The Beast” Berry has set a new age category record for the Snatch in weightlifting.

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Mary lifted 7 tons in Glasgow last night, whilst sporting one of her “absolutely scrummy” chocolate tier cakes. Asked about the secret behind her great strength, Mary smiled sweetly and replied, “I use massive amounts of steroids in my baking. My snatch is an absolute picture as a result but I do have to shave my chest occasionally!”

Not to be outdone co-host and self-styled Bad Boy of British Baking, Paul “Product” Hollywood also jerked himself to glory with a lift of 8.5 tons in Abergavenny last Tuesday, whilst balancing a pork pie on his head.

“I’ve nothing left to proof,” Hollywood said.

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All that effort led to a soggy bottom I’m afraid

 

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bobonthepot_Cosmopolitan
Hello,

The Ice Bucket challenge has become a global phenomenononon.

Dipso Dave did it in the Recalcitrant Peacock on Saturday night and then spent the night in hospital. Nothing to do with the bucket of ice water. Teach him to leer at my lovely wife Shirley.

Any road up, as Saturday night’s Bhuna began its journey to the Sewage plant I wondered how this Ice Bucket Challenge would develop.

As the match flickered and snuffed out the final whiff of my ordure, the idea came to me.

Checking that there was no floating debris, I donned a pair of googles and a snorkel.  I told Shirley bring the camera to record my efforts. I placed my head in the bowl.

On my command she flushed. With gusto. Time and again. Remarkable wrist strength.

My head became firmly wedged in the bowl necessitating the Kent Fire Brigade to attend our home to (as the report said) “extricate from the upstairs toilet, a fat bloke wearing goggles and a snorkel who had managed to get his head stuck in the bowl .”

Thank God for the snorkel or I could have come to a sticky end.

Just watch Bowl Dunking catch on! Plays havoc with your ballcock though.

I nominate Justin Bieber, The Islamic State and Katie Hopkins.

Go on it is for Charridee after all.

 

 

 

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Gfb has learned that Payday loan company Wonga are to set up Foodbanks in England.

Ian Drunken Spliff

The move has received the backing of the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff who said, “People can borrow a few quid off Wonga whilst picking up their beans and stale Frosties.  Wonga will seize the food in lieu of payment. If you don’t pay – you don’t eat! This will sort out obesity as well! Skinny and destitute – sounds like a plan to me!”

Drunken-Spliff then went for a lie down. And a shot of morphine.

Plans for Wonga to administer the Benefits system are well advanced. Benefits will become loans – With an interest rate of 4,678% per year the National Debt will be cleared in next to no time!

 

Gimp Morrising

 

 

 

 

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We love the life of a Jolly Jack Tar.  Nothing better than a day in the rigging, unfurling a spanker or two and gazing up into the mizzen mast and worrying about the Doldrums. Whilst up aft for’d we pass the time by singing a few sea shantys. Here are a few we croon;

• There’s A Maiden With Scurvy Waitin’ For Me In Nantucket
• Break Out The Grog For Johnny’s Tinkle
• I’m Not Chesty Nancy Just Got A Touch O’Consumption
• That’s Not A Whale In Me Pocket Mary, I’m Just Pleased To See Ye
• Tickle Me Tackle Nancy
• Tug Me Rope
• When I Rub Me Barnacles I’m Thinking Of Me Molly
• Blow Me Back To Blighty Gerty On A Good Stiff ‘Un
• Sweet Judie’s Given Me Crabs

Anyway the west wind blows fare – so adieu me hearties – sing along to this classic!

 

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sooty

The World Cup Is Here!

Brazil is hosting the tournament.

Prince Charles provides his rounded view of the 32 Nations taking part. Here is his take on the Groups C and D.

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Group C

Colombia – Every crack dealers second team. Likely to sniff victory at the earliest opportunity. Will hug the lines.

Greece – So broke the team had to walk to Brazil. Dearest Father cheers them on. We have to hide the crockery.

Ivory Coast – Big lads to a man – lightweights. Should have been our colony. Frogs got there first.

Japan – Whale butchers and giant lizard fantasists – who WE BEAT IN THE WAR! – You can stick your Honda Civic up yer arse!

 

Group D

ENGLAND – Inventors of football, railway timetables, parliamentary democracy, the concentration camp, trapped wind, eyelash curlers and the long sock – if there’s an Eden it is England. Bloody foreigners. Which one of you fuckers wants some then?

Italy – A car back fires and Rome surrenders – lily livered Latin loverboys who will cheat and bribe their way to victory over our brave lads unsullied as we are by the desire or skill to win at football.

Uruguay – Morose bandy legged corned beef hawkers – two words to say to them Graf Spee and the Battle of River Plate!

Costa Rica – Titchy Central American nation perched on an Isthmus which sounds like someone with a lisp saying Christmas. They don’t have an Army. INVADE! Bring back the Empire!

INGERLAND!

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