She texted to say, “I want to be with Jason. He looks great in tan slip-ons and doesn’t possess a face that looks like Hitler’s good bollock. Can I have my Pink album back as well?”
How can I win her back?
Les, Norwich
Aunty Bill Replies;
Les,
It sounds like Denise is gone. If you follow my advice there is a chance you can still win her back. Invest in a decent pair of comfortable and fashionable shoes (Sling backs or ballet pumps are in at the moment).
Customise them by sprinkling the heels with Hundreds and Thousands. This will make you really stand out from the crowd! She will certainly know you mean business and Jason will have to raise his slip-on style to compete with you.
There’s a chance that people will throw something at you, but turn the other cheek (the one that doesn’t look like Hitler’s good bollock).
Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff wants to lash fat people to houses to drive down energy consumption in the UK as part of the Government’s Green agenda.
IDS told Gfb, “I’m sick of all these fat bastards lolloping round the place in tracky bottoms stuffing McShite into themselves, blaming their glands and then expecting the NHS to staple their gobs.”
Ian Drunken Spliff
He continued after a shot of morphine, “I’m not fucking havin’ it. They are fat – like a Seal in winter fat – fat is good insulation – so tie themto the outside of houses as insulation. Energy consumption goes down and these tubsters are actually of some use. Genius or what!”
Drunken-Spliff then went for a lie down.
British Gas told Gfb, “We have no plans to lash the fat to houses, attractive as that may be. We are farming the obese for their tallow and hope the first Obese Oil Fired Power Station will be coming on-line in 3 or so years.”
Yootha N’asia, Secretary of The Society of Obese People said, “Are you going to eat that?”
I was in Tesco’s rummaging amongst the mangoes with a view to buying one for my pudding this evening. As I popped a fruit into my trolley, I felt a tad woozy and a touch fey.
I had an insatiable desire to free my people from the yoke of Roman tyranny.
The spirit of Boadicea, Queen of the Iceni had entered me!
I applied Brobat Blue woad and with my wonky wheeled trolley chariot, I sought vengeance on the spotty youth oppressing me with her inability to locate the dried apricots in the Storeroom.
She was no underpaid wage slave of questionable literacy and numeracy skills but a Roman oppressor!
I rented the air with a cry of “Death To The Romans!”
The Romans formed a Shield Wall using tins of Kidney, Baked and Borlotti Beans. The cunning curs!
Sadly my uprising came to an abrupt halt when the wonky wheel of the accursed trolley chariot fell off and I skidded to a halt by the tinned fish shelf (Pilchards on special offer by the way).
I am afraid of the dark. As a Vampire this causes issues regarding my work-life balance.
I’ve lost my torch.
Vlad, Bucharest
Oily Replies;
Vlad, I once shot a camp vamp romp in Voslovovitrichbitchstitchvitch.
Early 90’s. Wonderful part of the world. The rolling mountains like a fair maiden’s heaving bosoms. Except with goats on them.
The women were very hairy and manly. May well have been men now I think about it. The alleyway was dark, the local brew strong.
As she tenderly growled she picked me up and threw me over her shoulder assuring me that Igor was a girl’s name in that part of the world. And who was I to argue. Especially with two broken ribs.
As the song goes “Fang Heaven for little girls……..”
Ian Drunken-Spliff – Secretary of State for Knobheadedness has employed IKEA to develop a revolutionary stacking system to warehouse Pensioners.
The system, known as “NANSTACK” is believed by Drunken-Spliff to offer a radical new way of reducing adult care costs.
Ian Drunken-Spliff
Drinken-Spliff said, “Like the cripples and dossers who are ruining this country, old fuckers clog everything up from hospitals to buses. It needs sorting. NANSTACK is a highly efficient way of housing these old farts. They will be tightly packed to keep warm – important as there will be no lighting or heating thus demonstrating our Green Credentials! It also cures loneliness! Furthermore think of all the houses freed up for Buy t0 Let Landlords like me to snap up! Am I a fuckin genius or what!”
Drunken-Spliff then went for a shot of morphine.
As the pictures below show, Pensioners can be loaded onto lorries for transit to the stacking centres prior to the allocation of their cosy shelf!
War War 2 hero Derek Sponge receives the gratitude of a nation
Derek being lodged @ NANSTACK Worthing
Per Abba-Arrival from IKEA told Gfb’s Lucy Gammon, “The trials have gone well. The only sticking point is the amount of mince per meatball in the daily feeding.”
Anita Dayglow OBE, Chief Executive of Elderly UK told Gfb, “Do you want to buy a raffle ticket? First prize is a blanket!”
Fans of hit TV show, The Great British Bake Off were delighted to hear that Baking Guru, Mary “The Beast” Berry has set a new age category record for the Snatch in weightlifting.
Mary lifted 7 tons in Glasgow last night, whilst sporting one of her “absolutely scrummy” chocolate tier cakes. Asked about the secret behind her great strength, Mary smiled sweetly and replied, “I use massive amounts of steroids in my baking. My snatch is an absolute picture as a result but I do have to shave my chest occasionally!”
Not to be outdone co-host and self-styled Bad Boy of British Baking, Paul “Product” Hollywood also jerked himself to glory with a lift of 8.5 tons in Abergavenny last Tuesday, whilst balancing a pork pie on his head.
The Ice Bucket challenge has become a global phenomenononon.
Dipso Dave did it in the Recalcitrant Peacock on Saturday night and then spent the night in hospital. Nothing to do with the bucket of ice water. Teach him to leer at my lovely wife Shirley.
Any road up, as Saturday night’s Bhuna began its journey to the Sewage plant I wondered how this Ice Bucket Challenge would develop.
As the match flickered and snuffed out the final whiff of my ordure, the idea came to me.
Checking that there was no floating debris, I donned a pair of googles and a snorkel. I told Shirley bring the camera to record my efforts. I placed my head in the bowl.
On my command she flushed. With gusto. Time and again. Remarkable wrist strength.
My head became firmly wedged in the bowl necessitating the Kent Fire Brigade to attend our home to (as the report said) “extricate from the upstairs toilet, a fat bloke wearing goggles and a snorkel who had managed to get his head stuck in the bowl .”
Thank God for the snorkel or I could have come to a sticky end.
Just watch Bowl Dunking catch on! Plays havoc with your ballcock though.
I nominate Justin Bieber, The Islamic State and Katie Hopkins.
Sadly I have once again been contacted by people who have been bullied for the very bizarre reason that they have Red Hair.
Here are out some basic practical tips, phone numbers and websites you can use for dealing with bullying.
Please note the sites and numbers only relate to the UK.
If you are being bullied always remember – you are not alone and there is always someone willing to listen and help.
What is bullying?
Bullying can be physical, verbal or psychological. It includes behaviour such as name calling, spreading hurtful rumours, excluding someone from groups, taking possessions or money, hitting, pushing or kicking and unwanted sexual touch. Cyberbullying has the same effect as face to face bullying but takes place over the internet or through phones.
Bullying is often driven by prejudice and can be targeted at someone’s gender, culture, religion or perceived sexuality. Children and young people may also find themselves a target because of a disability, disfigurement, illness or hair colour.
What can I do if I’m being bullied?
Firstly please understand – IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Whatever the person, or people bullying you have said, this is everything to do with their negative thoughts and behaviour, and NOTHING to do with you.
Talk to someone. Problems rarely get better by keeping them inside. If you can, talk to an adult that you trust – like your parent or a teacher. Talk to friends that you trust. Or, if you are scared of what might happen if you tell your parent or a friend, then contact Childline (see details below).
Protect yourself – if you can, avoid situations where you are likely to be bullied. Never retaliate with violent actions such as hitting or punching – this can lead to you being seriously hurt or getting in trouble yourself. If the bullying is online, block or unfriend contacts that are being abusive. Make sure you have the highest privacy settings.If you are not sure how to do this then ask for help.
Take part in activities that help to raise your confidence and make you feel good about yourself. Some ideas could include Guides and Scouts, cadets, drama and dance classes, art classes, exercise classes and swimming. Remember that you deserve the very best in life.
If the bullying is making you feel very desperate and scared then don’t take it out on yourself – get immediate help. You can contact Childline any time, night or day for support and advice.
If you need help or advice about bullying there are helplines and websites that can provide you with information and support:
Helplines
ChildLine – ChildLine is the UK’s free, confidential helpline for children and young people. They offer advice and support, by phone and online, 24 hours a day. Whenever and wherever you need them, they’ll be there. Call 0800 1111
Cybermentors – CyberMentors is a safe social networking site providing information and support for young people affected by bullying.
EACH – EACH has a freephone Actionline for children experiencing homophobic bullying: 0808 1000 143. It’s open Monday to Friday 10am-5.00pm
Like doubts, we all have them or know someone who has them. Fences that is.
What does your Fence say about you? Secondary Picket? Loosely Hinged? A Godfather? Weak Footings?
Who knows? Who cares!
This month sees Peter Capaldi fill the boots of the Time Lord and begetter of utterly incomprehensible, contrived and convoluted plots – Doctor Who!
The BBC allowed Gfb’s Sci-Fi correspondent, Cedric Must-Get-Outmore, access to the Set and he managed to take this snap of The Doctor fighting new baddies The Creosoters.
My fence is Ronsealed!
Last time Benedict Cumberbatch shared his Closed Border Fence with us. Looks like he and the Doc share a passion for the CBF!
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