IKEA’s Stacking System For Elderly – Ian Duncan Smith Hails New Approach

NANSTACK in Basildon

Ian Drunken-Spliff – Secretary of State for Knobheadedness has employed IKEA to develop a revolutionary stacking system to warehouse Pensioners.

The system, known as “NANSTACK” is believed by Drunken-Spliff to offer a radical new way of reducing adult care costs.

Ian Drunken-Spliff

Drinken-Spliff said, “Like the cripples and dossers who are ruining this country, old fuckers clog everything up from hospitals to buses. It needs sorting. NANSTACK is a highly efficient way of housing these old farts. They will be tightly packed to keep warm – important as there will be no lighting or heating thus demonstrating our Green Credentials! It also cures loneliness! Furthermore think of all the houses freed up for Buy t0 Let Landlords like me to snap up! Am I a fuckin genius or what!”

Drunken-Spliff then went for a shot of morphine.

As the pictures below show, Pensioners can be loaded onto lorries for transit to the stacking centres prior to the allocation of their cosy shelf!

War War 2 hero Derek Sponge receives the gratitude of a nation

Derek being lodged @ NANSTACK Worthing

Per Abba-Arrival from IKEA told Gfb’s Lucy Gammon, “The trials have gone well. The only sticking point is the amount of mince per meatball in the daily feeding.”

Anita Dayglow OBE, Chief Executive of Elderly UK told Gfb, “Do you want to buy a raffle ticket? First prize is a blanket!”

 

We Are All In It Together

 

 

 

 

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Wonga To Manage Foodbanks – Ian Duncan Smith Hails New Approach

Gfb has learned that Payday loan company Wonga are to set up Foodbanks in England.

Ian Drunken Spliff

The move has received the backing of the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff who said, “People can borrow a few quid off Wonga whilst picking up their beans and stale Frosties.  Wonga will seize the food in lieu of payment. If you don’t pay – you don’t eat! This will sort out obesity as well! Skinny and destitute – sounds like a plan to me!”

Drunken-Spliff then went for a lie down. And a shot of morphine.

Plans for Wonga to administer the Benefits system are well advanced. Benefits will become loans – With an interest rate of 4,678% per year the National Debt will be cleared in next to no time!

 

Gimp Morrising

 

 

 

 

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War On Welfare – Ian Drunken-Spliff To Crackdown On His Crackdown!

Gfb has received a letter outlining the Government’s crackdown on the crackdown on the Welfare State.

The letter entitled, “Have A Bang On This!” was written by the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff on parchment comprising 32 King Size Rizlas.

It reveals a harsh future regime of benefits conditionality, as well as plans to extradite convicted benefit cheats to “Jockland” in what Duncan-Spliff calls a ‘crackdown on the crackdown on shirkers, shysters and roach bandits. If the Jocks vote for independence they can have our dossers and we will let them keep the pound.”

“I’m not fucking having it anymore,” states Duncan-Spliff, “These northern layabouts, disableds and lone parents are a real drain on our resources. And they won’t vote cos the fuckers can’t read or write. Gove has played a blinder on that one!”

“Look after the pennies…..”

The letter continues;

“By victimising the poorest we are onto something! The blame the Muslims campaign is gathering momentum nicely too……. Has Osborne pinched my bong?”

Drunken-Spliff’s proposals include;

• Making all new Jobseekers undertake 2 weeks mandatory Lollipop Man/Woman duty. Failure to comply will lead to the claimant’s house being set on fire. With the claimant inside.

• Inviting disabled people for weekly check ups. Physical and Medical examinations will be held in public with three X-factor style judges scoring them. It will be a mixture of Britain’s Got Talent and The Cube. “The public will love it,” Drunken-Spliff notes, “A benefits system based on Reality TV!”

• Moving the default pension age to 80. “We’ll save billions!”

• Ex-offenders, drug addicts and feckless youngsters will be chained together and set to work on HS2.  “Those train tunnels won’t dig them fucking selves.”

 

“I simply say…….”

 

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Government Welfare Policy Up In Smoke – Is Marijuana To Blame?

GFB has uncovered shock evidence that marijuana may be to blame for major delays to Universal Credit.

The new welfare payment, which is streamlining six current benefits into  one single payment was supposed to be paid to millions of people across  Great Britain by Oct 2013 but is currently only available in Manchester to  single, unemployed claimants named Keith.

Minister for Work and Pensions Ian Duncan Spliff has denied that the delays to Universal Credit have been caused by his departments’ marijuana usage but the evidence suggests otherwise.

The Stiff With A Spliff

At a recent Work & Pensions committee, IDS was forced to admit that more than £40 million of ‘Super Skunk’ has been written off (smoked) by his department and that a further £140 million has been ‘written down’ for future ganja purchases.

IDS also confirmed that Jobcentre staff would continue to use the Windows 95 operating system and a ‘trial version of Microsoft Office’ for  Universal Credit claims, saying “it be easier for DWP Decision Makers to use, especially when they is gettin’ red eyed on the green, if you get whatta mean”.

Looks like a different sort of “rollout”then.

But at least the PM is still giving it the thumbs up!

“No Pain No Gain Clegg”

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Government Ask Keith Harris and Orville To Sort Out Child Poverty

PM Cameron is Delighted

Breaking News!

Following on from the Government’s recent announcement of changing the way child poverty is measured in the UK, Gfb can reveal that legendary ventriloquist double act “Keith Harris and Orville” have been appointed to implement the changes.

Which One Is Which Do You Think?

Ian Duncan-Spliff, the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said “Yeah Maaaan, wan’ some GANJA?  Dey can make dis policeeeyy fly, fly right up to de sky, yes they can.” (No they can’t).

Duncan-Spliff – In control

The child poverty changes come about after Conservative MP Alex In-Bred had tabled a motion that child poverty was nothing to do with income, and was actually caused by all  welfare benefit claimants being addicted to drugs, alcohol, glue and I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

“It just isn’t right that child poverty is measured by income in the 21^st Century,” stated In-Bred. “It’s obvious that child poverty is caused by a range of underlying social issues, such as fried food, street dancing and the breasts of Katie Price.”

Katie Price – That’s Who I Want To Be When I Grow Up!

A leaked memo seen by Gfb goes even further, listing what the Government believe are the root causes of child poverty.

As well as drugs, cigarettes, alcohol and glamour models with enhanced breasts, they include:

–         Heat magazine

–         Hubba Bubba chewing gum

–         Glockenspiel addiction

–         Tesco value beef burgers

–         Not having a Butler

–         Pot noodles

–         Gay Marriage

–         Sideburns

–         Being a Northerner

–         Nervousness around chickens

But Harris & Orville face an uphill task implementing the policy, as anti-poverty campaigners look set to join forces to oppose it.

The Government are banking on the pairs popularity to make the policy change a success. They were recently seen having dinner with Chancellor, George Osborne in a Mayfair brothel,  and said in a statement, “Working as children’s entertainers has given us a unique insight into the issues surrounding child poverty. We are well placed to find the best ways to measure it. That and the £250,000 we are being paid”.

He Really Is A Clown

So that’s all right then.

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Government Welfare Plans Revealed!

Gfb has received a copy of a secret Government letter outlining the Coalition Government’s future plans for the Welfare State.

The letter entitled, “Have A Bang On This Little Number!” was hand written by the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff on parchment comprising 32 King Size Rizlas. The papers were assembled by benefit claimants in Grimsby as part of the “Licking Scroungers into Shape” programme.

It reveals a harsh future regime of benefits conditionality, as well as plans to extradite convicted benefit cheats to “Jockland” in what Duncan-Spliff calls a ‘crackdown on shirkers, shysters and roach bandits.”

“I’m not fucking having it anymore,” states Duncan-Spliff,  “These northern layabouts, disableds and lone parents are a real drain on our resources. I wouldn’t mind, but the bankers are really struggling, what with a reduction in bonuses. Two of them couldn’t afford the recently released Pink Floyd Box Set, things are that tough. Man.”

“Look after the pennies…..”

The letter continues;

“The schmucks amongst the voting public still believe that we’re all in this together! If we can victimise and isolate the poorest in as venal a way as possible we will be onto something! Rupert is on board (it is in our interests to keep the heat up on the Hacking scandal) and the “Blame the darkies/slap a Frog” whispering campaign is gathering momentum. Has Osborne pinched my bong?”

Duncan-Spliff’s proposals include;

• Making all new Jobseekers undertake 2 weeks mandatory Lollipop Man/Woman duty. Failure to comply will lead to the claimant’s house being set on fire. With the claimant inside.

• Inviting disabled people for weekly check ups. Physical and Medical examinations will be held in a public gallery with three X-factor style judges scoring them. It will be a mixture of Total Wipeout and The Cube.

“The public will love it,” Duncan-Spliff notes, “A benefits system based on Reality TV! A ratings winner surely.”

• Moving the default pension age to 80. “We’ll save billions!” he states.

• Ex-offenders, drug addicts and feckless youngsters will be chained together and set to work on the Government’s infrastructure projects, such as the new high speed train link from London to Birmingham. “Those train tunnels won’t dig them fucking selves,” he wrote.

Gfb approached Labour “Leader”, Ed Thingy for his reaction to this shocking revelation.

He blathered on for a bit but nobody could be bothered to listen.

“I simply say…….”

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