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Posts Tagged ‘Disability Rights’

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NANSTACK in Basildon

Ian Drunken-Spliff – Secretary of State for Knobheadedness has employed IKEA to develop a revolutionary stacking system to warehouse Pensioners.

The system, known as “NANSTACK” is believed by Drunken-Spliff to offer a radical new way of reducing adult care costs.

Ian Drunken-Spliff

Drinken-Spliff said, “Like the cripples and dossers who are ruining this country, old fuckers clog everything up from hospitals to buses. It needs sorting. NANSTACK is a highly efficient way of housing these old farts. They will be tightly packed to keep warm – important as there will be no lighting or heating thus demonstrating our Green Credentials! It also cures loneliness! Furthermore think of all the houses freed up for Buy t0 Let Landlords like me to snap up! Am I a fuckin genius or what!”

Drunken-Spliff then went for a shot of morphine.

As the pictures below show, Pensioners can be loaded onto lorries for transit to the stacking centres prior to the allocation of their cosy shelf!

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War War 2 hero Derek Sponge receives the gratitude of a nation

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Derek being lodged @ NANSTACK Worthing

Per Abba-Arrival from IKEA told Gfb’s Lucy Gammon, “The trials have gone well. The only sticking point is the amount of mince per meatball in the daily feeding.”

Anita Dayglow OBE, Chief Executive of Elderly UK told Gfb, “Do you want to buy a raffle ticket? First prize is a blanket!”

 

We Are All In It Together

 

 

 

 

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Gfb has learned that Payday loan company Wonga are to set up Foodbanks in England.

Ian Drunken Spliff

The move has received the backing of the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff who said, “People can borrow a few quid off Wonga whilst picking up their beans and stale Frosties.  Wonga will seize the food in lieu of payment. If you don’t pay – you don’t eat! This will sort out obesity as well! Skinny and destitute – sounds like a plan to me!”

Drunken-Spliff then went for a lie down. And a shot of morphine.

Plans for Wonga to administer the Benefits system are well advanced. Benefits will become loans – With an interest rate of 4,678% per year the National Debt will be cleared in next to no time!

 

Gimp Morrising

 

 

 

 

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Gfb has received a letter outlining the Government’s crackdown on the crackdown on the Welfare State.

The letter entitled, “Have A Bang On This!” was written by the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff on parchment comprising 32 King Size Rizlas.

It reveals a harsh future regime of benefits conditionality, as well as plans to extradite convicted benefit cheats to “Jockland” in what Duncan-Spliff calls a ‘crackdown on the crackdown on shirkers, shysters and roach bandits. If the Jocks vote for independence they can have our dossers and we will let them keep the pound.”

“I’m not fucking having it anymore,” states Duncan-Spliff, “These northern layabouts, disableds and lone parents are a real drain on our resources. And they won’t vote cos the fuckers can’t read or write. Gove has played a blinder on that one!”

“Look after the pennies…..”

The letter continues;

“By victimising the poorest we are onto something! The blame the Muslims campaign is gathering momentum nicely too……. Has Osborne pinched my bong?”

Drunken-Spliff’s proposals include;

• Making all new Jobseekers undertake 2 weeks mandatory Lollipop Man/Woman duty. Failure to comply will lead to the claimant’s house being set on fire. With the claimant inside.

• Inviting disabled people for weekly check ups. Physical and Medical examinations will be held in public with three X-factor style judges scoring them. It will be a mixture of Britain’s Got Talent and The Cube. “The public will love it,” Drunken-Spliff notes, “A benefits system based on Reality TV!”

• Moving the default pension age to 80. “We’ll save billions!”

• Ex-offenders, drug addicts and feckless youngsters will be chained together and set to work on HS2.  “Those train tunnels won’t dig them fucking selves.”

 

“I simply say…….”

 

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