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Posts Tagged ‘Benefits’

Gfb has learned that Payday loan company Wonga are to set up Foodbanks in England.

Ian Drunken Spliff

The move has received the backing of the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff who said, “People can borrow a few quid off Wonga whilst picking up their beans and stale Frosties.  Wonga will seize the food in lieu of payment. If you don’t pay – you don’t eat! This will sort out obesity as well! Skinny and destitute – sounds like a plan to me!”

Drunken-Spliff then went for a lie down. And a shot of morphine.

Plans for Wonga to administer the Benefits system are well advanced. Benefits will become loans – With an interest rate of 4,678% per year the National Debt will be cleared in next to no time!

 

Gimp Morrising

 

 

 

 

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Gfb has received a letter outlining the Government’s crackdown on the crackdown on the Welfare State.

The letter entitled, “Have A Bang On This!” was written by the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff on parchment comprising 32 King Size Rizlas.

It reveals a harsh future regime of benefits conditionality, as well as plans to extradite convicted benefit cheats to “Jockland” in what Duncan-Spliff calls a ‘crackdown on the crackdown on shirkers, shysters and roach bandits. If the Jocks vote for independence they can have our dossers and we will let them keep the pound.”

“I’m not fucking having it anymore,” states Duncan-Spliff, “These northern layabouts, disableds and lone parents are a real drain on our resources. And they won’t vote cos the fuckers can’t read or write. Gove has played a blinder on that one!”

“Look after the pennies…..”

The letter continues;

“By victimising the poorest we are onto something! The blame the Muslims campaign is gathering momentum nicely too……. Has Osborne pinched my bong?”

Drunken-Spliff’s proposals include;

• Making all new Jobseekers undertake 2 weeks mandatory Lollipop Man/Woman duty. Failure to comply will lead to the claimant’s house being set on fire. With the claimant inside.

• Inviting disabled people for weekly check ups. Physical and Medical examinations will be held in public with three X-factor style judges scoring them. It will be a mixture of Britain’s Got Talent and The Cube. “The public will love it,” Drunken-Spliff notes, “A benefits system based on Reality TV!”

• Moving the default pension age to 80. “We’ll save billions!”

• Ex-offenders, drug addicts and feckless youngsters will be chained together and set to work on HS2.  “Those train tunnels won’t dig them fucking selves.”

 

“I simply say…….”

 

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Gfb has received a copy of a secret Government letter outlining the Coalition Government’s future plans for the Welfare State.

The letter entitled, “Have A Bang On This Little Number!” was hand written by the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff on parchment comprising 32 King Size Rizlas. The papers were assembled by benefit claimants in Grimsby as part of the “Licking Scroungers into Shape” programme.

It reveals a harsh future regime of benefits conditionality, as well as plans to extradite convicted benefit cheats to “Jockland” in what Duncan-Spliff calls a ‘crackdown on shirkers, shysters and roach bandits.”

“I’m not fucking having it anymore,” states Duncan-Spliff,  “These northern layabouts, disableds and lone parents are a real drain on our resources. I wouldn’t mind, but the bankers are really struggling, what with a reduction in bonuses. Two of them couldn’t afford the recently released Pink Floyd Box Set, things are that tough. Man.”

“Look after the pennies…..”

The letter continues;

“The schmucks amongst the voting public still believe that we’re all in this together! If we can victimise and isolate the poorest in as venal a way as possible we will be onto something! Rupert is on board (it is in our interests to keep the heat up on the Hacking scandal) and the “Blame the darkies/slap a Frog” whispering campaign is gathering momentum. Has Osborne pinched my bong?”

Duncan-Spliff’s proposals include;

• Making all new Jobseekers undertake 2 weeks mandatory Lollipop Man/Woman duty. Failure to comply will lead to the claimant’s house being set on fire. With the claimant inside.

• Inviting disabled people for weekly check ups. Physical and Medical examinations will be held in a public gallery with three X-factor style judges scoring them. It will be a mixture of Total Wipeout and The Cube.

“The public will love it,” Duncan-Spliff notes, “A benefits system based on Reality TV! A ratings winner surely.”

• Moving the default pension age to 80. “We’ll save billions!” he states.

• Ex-offenders, drug addicts and feckless youngsters will be chained together and set to work on the Government’s infrastructure projects, such as the new high speed train link from London to Birmingham. “Those train tunnels won’t dig them fucking selves,” he wrote.

Gfb approached Labour “Leader”, Ed Thingy for his reaction to this shocking revelation.

He blathered on for a bit but nobody could be bothered to listen.

“I simply say…….”

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